chaos

so i'm a day away from being homeless. in true andy style i find myself in a non-sensical situation. tmrw i'm going to crash palace. tmw is also the last day i have to move my crap out of my room. chaos is the first word that comes to mind.

i'm stressing because i don't know where to put my stuff. ive got way too much junk for a single gay man.

i wonder why i put myself through such hardship. its certainly not by choice, but i could have made things easier for myself. spending 2 weeks in a hotel in feb 2006 because i was absolutely homeless should have taught me a thing or two about homelessness and how not to do things, but yet again, i find myself searching the web for short term accomodation just in case. the only difference now is i can't afford it. i am grateful to my friends who have offered beds and love, but none of that lessens the feeling of displacement. and the sense of displacement is amplified by the fact my belongings are strewn across melbourne, with my kettle base in richmond, and the actual kettle in north melbourne, chongy in prahran and cook books hopefully (?) in north melbourne with the kettle. i was hoping to leave my skis in north fitzroy, but that didn't work out to plan.

so for the next two weeks i'll live out of suitcases, from door to door of friends houses offering them all the love and appreciation i can muster because that is what they deserve.

this time next week i'll be homeless.

all's fair in love and war

i'm angry. angry at everyone for no particular reason. i just want to be angry. anger is the only emotion i can be sure of right now.

i don't know how i feel about him. i really don't. i'm glad hes around. i'm glad he wants to spend time with me. i don't know what he wants from me. i don't know what i want from him.

the Daniel

lifes a bitch

*hugs*

crash

i read my horoscope today. i smiled. he read my horoscope. he pointed it out to me; "did you read it?". i smiled. cheers to mr cainer...

indian on chapel. the drinking on commercial. househunting on high. coffee in st kilda. then toast at greville st. toast for lunch on chapel. then toast for dinner in fitzroy. toast for breakfast again in collingwood. swedish meatballs in richmond and then fish for dinner in fitzroy.

tummy still sore from friday. i get sick when life gets tough.

watched crash last night. gripping in parts. close to tears in some, although that doesn't say much. i cried in open season. so between gripping the armrest and crying, i was running to the toilet. i have never felt so much discomfort since 2001. i much enjoyed watching the movie.

i miss her. i do feel a bit alone. but you know. i'm surrounded by people i love. i'll catch up with her soon. i promise.

ur good fun too.

rah rah rah

tired of stupid rants.

my tummy is sore. indian from last night isn't agreeing with it.

insight

interesting day.

while waiting with a patient for a MRI i had a long chat with her about the healthcare system. it was interesting to hear it from her point of view. the time spent with her was good i think. she has always been an anxious lady. building that rapport is important. she enlightened me about how bureaucratic the billing system is in the private sector, sending forms to medicare, insurance companies and then cheques which go from medicare, to the insurance company, then to the patient and then back to the provider. all rather complex. perhaps its a scheme to confuse sick people so much that they forget they are sick.

earlier on today i found out a good friend of mine's grandmother was just diagnosed with cancer. i caught up with her over lunch and then after work. the chat was good. i hoped i helped. she helped me.

i read something today. my friend spoke of the same thing the other night. seems to be recurring. its about purpose, gifts (of love, gestures and thoughts) and reciprocation. everyone has a purpose, or a gift to give, and you usually get given what you give. today i gave all i could. now i feel empty and down.

and now i have nothing else to say.

jealousy

you've made me ever so slightly jealous.

don't know why.

away

i just got home.

weekend away. holiday from the norm. it was great. amazing food, great company and much needed rest.

for the first time since last weekend i felt really comfortable.

struggling

i really am struggling at the moment. i have trouble waking up in the morning, sleeping at night, getting to work, and gettng my work done.

when i close my eyes i feel like crying.

right now everything seems a bit too much for me.

friends are supportive. from those who i expected help, nothing. those who i knew would be there, are there (always have been). and those whose help is totally unexpected, god bless.

get me outta here

so. last night. alone in this house with the other two housemates. it was hell. i felt alone. i'm the only one left on this side of the city. i spent my time online but no one else was.

i went to safeway to get some food for myself. pasta salad and coleslaw. my usual cant-be-fucked solution for dinner. came home and fell asleep.

shit day at work. glad its over.

went to look at a few properties, a couple in tribeca and one in prahran. the tribeca ones reminded me why i didn't move there in the first place. way too small and cramped. two bedroom apartments are only really suited for one person. the place in prahran was beautiful. old victorian house. freshly painted with huge rooms. huge backyard and two car parks. the owner lives next door and maintains the house himself. colour scheme is a bit off, but i can live with that. only problem is, its three bedrooms and too expensive for two people to rent.

sigh. i need to move out. spending time at greville st this evening made me realise i need to be around friends. i need to be across the river...or at least closer to my friends. tribeca's location is great, but still a bit far.

home

i'm at home...and i want to be anywhere but here.

take me away.... now.

dazed and confused

sigh.

drained.

sydney. i don't smoke in sydney because if i do, i get a terrible sore throat. i stopped today. after one night of heavy smoking my throat can't handle it. even the smell of a cigarette makes me feel ill.

i'm heading out to dinner tonight with my sister and tony. its nice to be around family. this afternoon i spent by myself shopping and was much needed. time alone to think. thinking is what i need to do. so much has happened. i need to process all of it.

sydney

so like i'm drunk. third night in a row. rock on. i had the most amazing time tonight. went out to such a lovely dinner at billy kwong. and then headed home for a shower and then left for shift. shift was dodgy as. felt up by the wrong people. we left shortly after one drink and then headed to arq. hot. music was great. remixes of old songs, like pink floyd. hot. mashes of sexyback and put your hands up for detroit. totally fun....

off my tits now...

thanks scotty for a great time. shame you couldn't stay longer. but as long as you had fun. wait. as long as i had fun. which i did. *kiss*

and yet again, thank you for saving me from darkus' friend. shame you werent around to save me again when i left....

funny

...and then theres me.

so. i stumble out of my bedroom with a sore arse. wasn't entirely sure why i had a sore arse or how it happened. found out from another friend that i fell into a coffee table. whoops.

ive find out that joseph is moving out. all good. so that pretty much means that everyone is leaving. the clean up will be a bitch. theres crap in cupboards that seem to have become permanent fixtures of the house and have no real owner.

i cant help but feel guilty because of whats happened. i move into the house and the house turns to shit. nothing seems to get done, dishes seem to pile up, the bathroom gets messier and messier. and it puzzles me at how messy it gets. no one really cooks (or eats) and dishes pile up. no one is home to use the bathroom but there are always discarded razors, dental floss and hair all over the bench. when its clean, i try to keep it clean by wiping down the bench after i use it but somehow it just gets so dirty overnight that i can't be bothered when i use the bathroom. sigh.

so drunk right no

so im so very drunk. started drinknig at 5:35ish at 'wine and cheese' night at work. great. it was fun. i had fun. fun is good. then i met up with jay jay and stella. wetn to eve. so much fun. it was hilarious. danced my fat arse off. hopefully it'll be less fat tmrw. yay. booked tickets to sydney. so very excited. need to get out of this shit hole. love it though. will be back on wednesday. love it. yay sydney. yay sister. yay brother. woohoo. drunk the world is spinning. i forsee a hangover tmrw. yay. no not yayh.

happy

i sit here in my room by myself and i am happy. this weekend has been busy with me running from place to place, from friend to friend. its been great. but i need the time alone.

i find myself annoyed at my best friend. not at the way we are acting towards each other, because, that i understand. we were once good together, but there was a reason why we were what we were. i remember the night he said that one day we'd walk away stronger and i never doubted him for a minute. that day has come and gone and i understand what we need now. always did.

what i'm annoyed at is something much more basic. and now i have to decide, do i address it? or let it eat away at me? the answer seems clear, but its always easier to avoid.

qna

so this night has been rather queer. drunk. too many beers with not enough dinner. glad i went out. i had a ball. need to sleep. sweet dreams andy.

not happy

reading my friend's blog made me feel nostalgic.

i'm home alone in a house i don't like, with no hot water and seriously 1 toilet roll between 2 bathrooms. i'm mozzie bitten from head to toe. hungry because all i've eaten is a bit of fruit, small take away lunch and a summer roll and yet to have dinner. i am seriously not happy at the moment.

i look back on my life and i think of the people who have come and gone in my life and i wonder whats next. who will i say goodbye to? and when i say goodbye, all i have are the memories of what we had. i look back on those memories and i chuckle, smile and have a warm fuzzy feeling deep inside. when the fuzzy feeling subsides i hate myself for saying goodbye.

sigh.

there is a pattern. and i desperately want to change it. i don't like goodbyes.

i miss you. the late night chats on msn or in person, the mi-goreng dinners, cafes all over melbourne, waking you up in the morning, the computer games (how geeky), late night fast food, just hanging out, the crazy driving expeditions. it was fun. i miss it, badly. i was hurt by you, but i think i hurt you more.

vietnam-ho

freddy and simon. god bless. rang me at 8:00 and asked if i wanted to go to the victoria night markets. such an amazing atmosphere. we walked around looking for food and soon realised we were on the wrong side. simon and freddy going "where is the food!? everyone has got food and where are the stalls?!" and then i am "everyone has beer?! wheres the bar!?!?!". i still don't understand why i love drinking so much...

so we walked around. it felt so much hotter than it really was. i think its the humidity. looked at some necklaces. simon had to head off to cookie. i met freddy back at his house. made some tea and just sat and talked. ended up watching extreme makeover.

the show always puzzles me. its one big advert for plastic surgeons, hair stylists and personal trainers. very ridiculous. the 'guests' get so emotional. and i dont blame them. it must be so weird to want a make over so bad, but then say good bye to what you've known as yourself for so long.

they seem happy at the end of the show...

"hi, i'd like tandoori chicken, minus the tandoori..."

dinner at prince alfreds tonight.

i miss you

crazy

okay i just nearly hopped into a cab and went to work...

monkey magic

so, im tipsy/not so tipsy. sobering up quick smart. i'm at home. started at golden monkey tonight for drinks. some of us drank a bit too much. i however was restrained. i felt i needed a night out without relying too much on alcoholic beverages. surprisingly i made more sense and could actually hold a conversation...because you know, usually i make more sense when im drunk...or at least i think i do.

lovely night out. ended up heading to crown with imma, freddy simon and jo. it was lovely. i do love the people i hang around with. i feel so very special.

Kanpai!

so today was hell. i was stressed with all the work i had due, a patient to start tmrw, a plan to be signed off tmrw, two patients to start on monday. with my day off being thursday, that didn't leave me much time to get everything sorted.

today things were a mess. everyone had their own shit to deal with , CTs were disorganised and people were just too tired to care. doctors were fed up with the radiation therapists, and we were fed up with the doctors. it came down to petty little games of "well, i'm not going to do this, they can just wait!"

relief came when i visited anna. i brought her flowers and it was nice to sit down and chat to someone totally not work-related. it was only brief but it meant a lot to me, probably more for me than for her.

when the day finally ended, i rejoiced. i ran to the car, jumped in the back and tried to get changed. its hard enough cramming my arse into my raw denim jeans when im standing up let alone when im in the backseat of my car. drove out of there and found myself racing to scotty, daniel and jeremy's place. unintentionally, i managed to get there in record time considering the time of day. looking like shit after a hard day's work, i was so nervous at meeting all the new people. but once inside i felt at ease.

the food was amazing. watching scotty and his friend cook up a storm in their small kitchen made me laugh, realising that i am insanely controlling when i'm cooking in the kitchen and never let anyone touch ANYTHING. from gyoza to okonomiyaki and kara-age everything was beautifully presented and tasted great. i loved just sitting there listening to the music and chatting with people. we stayed up drinking lovely tea laced with vanilla, roses and other fragrant ingredients. i think the first thing i'll buy when i move out is a tea pot.

daniel: chalks needs a breathalyser before posting on his blog.

i laughed because its true...

*beep*

funny.

unable to upload to daniel's blog, so i'll have to load it here...

thanks scotty and daniel ;-).



i'm such a retard.

will you marry me?

so imma. sneaky little thing. she got back from overseas yesterday. didn't tell me. didn't ring. but i had a feeling she'd pull something like this. this morning felt a bit different which can be attributed to yesterday's drinking, but is more eery thinking it was because i felt imma's presence...

went for a gorgeous dinner at mecca bah at docklands. great bottle of wine and great food. it was so good to hear imma's voice again. i didn't want to say anything or interrupt her. i just sat there and listened. she was telling us about how her good friend loved hearing her stories and i realised how much i had missed it.

"oh my god you cannot believe...you'll fucking die..."

ahh its good to have her home.

we came home and hit the computer to look up houses and apartments. we fought over which rental accomodation site to use.

me: we should use domain.com because it looks better... look its got green and nice font, none of that red ugly shit on realestate.com. its like why i don't shop at safeway...too much green and red.
imma: no. we should use realestate.com. its better. you can't find shit on domain.com.

i then gave her the ring i bought for her in canada. the special one that was so unique i had to buy it...

will you marry me imma?
(and by marry i mean sign a lease agreement, move in with me, never have sex with me, but maybe let me see your naughty bits)

"your pants are too tight!" part 2

yay i can fit into my size 29 jeans i bought in canada again!

...lets just hope they stretch with me over dinner...

seediness

i am feeling so very seedy right now. my head is numb. my brain is numb.

graduation ceremony last night. it was nice. nothing special. it was interesting to catch up with uni mates and other people i trained with. there were other places i would have rather been, but i felt it was something i should have gone to. steven bradbury was the orator. he was funny, and his motivational speech was more than "just wait for everyone else to fuck up and then get ahead".

to celebrate my graduation we planned on heading out. we spent about 2 hours at home just trying to decide where to go. we decided to go gay and hit the market. i caught up with some friends there. it was good to see them. peta dropped by and much fun was had. the night ended at 5:30ish. just headed home and chilled out for a couple of hours.

i slept at about 7.

woke up at 9.

i bummed around in bed checking web blogs and newspapers. 11:30 was when i was meant to meet daniel, jeremy and the gang at Carnival for a little picnic. i left the house at 10:30 and picked up various items of food and wine. at this point i was feeling reasonably okay. when i got there i cracked open a beer and started drinking. the one beer was getting me tipsy due to the lack of sleep, food and liver function. had some more vodka jelly shots (which were so very nice and strong). by the time the food was served i was truely tipsy. over lunch i decided to try some punch. people warned me the punch was insanely intoxicating. and i think it was. after finishing a glass of wine i decided to go for a wander.

i ended up looking for darkus. i sat down with them and chatted a little bit, nibbled on some food. at this point i was already drunk. they offered me a glass of champagne and i couldn't resist. 10 minutes after finishing the glass i passed out. slept for half an hour and woke up feeling a bit headachey. walked back to the picnic area and grabbed myself another drink. i fell asleep again. woke up, grabbed another drink. scotty messaged me. the sms conversation became weirder and weirder.

scotty: how much longer will you guys be there for?
me: im drunk.
scotty: she choke on her tits?
me: i'll choke on your tits...

at one point i thought it was better to just ring as it would probably make more sense...

*beep*
me: huh? why didnt it ring. is this voice mail? i don't understand, the phone didn't ring.

daniel: that wasn't a voice mail message was it?
me: i don't know.
daniel: ure drunk.



drank some more. almost fell asleep again. i realised i was too drunk to make it home by myself. i really didn't trust myself. daniel and jeremy graciously let me follow them back home and i crashed on the couch. i fell asleep sitting up.

i woke up in jeremy's bed. all comfy and not upright. lying down is a better position for sleeping...

stumbled outside and found scotty. after a tea i decided it was time for me to venture home. i caught a train to the city and then walked home.

a good weekend. carnival was so very lovely. thanks hon *hugs*.

freddy

i caught up with freddy tonight - long overdue. much love. pauline rang in the middle of dinner:

pauline: hi
me: hi, i'm out at dinner with freddy!
pauline: oh frankie! hi frankie!

like i said, dinner with freddy was long overdue. the food was mediocre - i should have stuck with my usual but i was trying to be adventurous. turned out to be some soggy rice, pea and bbq pork dish. whoops.

freddy told me his good news and i was so happy for him. *claps for freddy!*

we sat and discussed whats been going on in each other's lives. work, love, friendships, that kind of thing. after dinner i was meant to catch up with pauline and was contemplating going for a drink in the city.

me: i don't know what to do...
freddy: just go for a drink...
me: nah i meant in life.
freddy: yeah, just drink...

good times. we ended up just driving around aimlessly just talking.

(okay. so i'm going to work backwards through the week)

thursday night was my work drinks and dinner to celebrate our new interns and me being re-employed. we started off at mountain view. ugh. i hate that pub but its a pub and pubs sell booze and booze is great after work. started off on some crappy sauv blanc, then beer, then jager. ugh bad choices. by the time we got to montezuma's i was slurring my words and i was hugging our nurse unit manager. rohan, linda, kristy and i were having a good laugh at the end of the table just talking shit. i can't remember much of what was said, but i know i laughed a lot. and i remember every time we cracked a joke, we'd hi-five each other and always missed.

at the end of the night we stumbled back into the department to pick up some of our stuff. turns out security freaked out and had run up to the department thinking we were breaking in only to find that we had already been and gone. andy our cleaner got approached by security today and he had a word with kristy. whoops. next time we are meant to check in with security first.

anyways i got home, i apparently blogged and then passed out.

wednesday night i spent the evening with jeremy and daniel. pacific house for dinner and grecos for dessert. such stimulating conversation. i learnt so much. there are times - okay most times - when i find both daniel and jeremy so insanely intelligent. i walked away from that evening feeling a little bit smarter and so very satisfied.

this week has made me realise i've surrounded myself with people i love.

spin me round

okay so the world is spinningngnga right now. i can abrely see what im typing
i odnt understand how i gos t so drunk. spin meround the world is spionning. la a;llalaallalaala aaj

what a night.

what a wonderful night. pauline, dean, deans parents and myself at rockpool. amazing food. chris the waiter was lovely.

strange looks from guys tonight. guy walked past me and fully made eye contact. not used to it. im used to being invisible...

drunk.

ignore me.

self-hate

after spending the majority of the past 3 days by myself, i've come to realise how annoying i am to be around. im indecisive, fidgety, so can't sit still, and my thoughts jump around like popping popcorn.

i'm really starting to hate myself...

no one is home!!!

landline has been ringing non-stop this morning. i ignore it as usual as its never for me and usually for joseph.

i feel like picking it up and yelling "NO ONE'S HOME!!"

but then that would leave the caller feeling a bit perplexed.

Odd Spot - Friday 2/2/07

ODD SPOT
Talk about nuns on the run. A group of Greek nuns - 55 sisters of the Saints Kirikos and Ioulitis monastery in Sidirokastro - abandoned their convent and went into hiding after running up debts of more than $A1.01 million from a knitting business that went bust, Greek police said.

amusing.

"your pants are too tight!"

so. i woke up feeling semi-okay this morning. on the way to the tram stop i called my mother to explain to her my fainting episode that happened yesterday. she lists a whole bunch of questions "enough red meat? blood sugar? sleep? are you sick?" and then she asked "are your pants too tight?!". a bit unexpected, but a valid question. i told her that my pants weren't too tight and weren't the reason for my fainting.

so at work today, after a slightly extended lunch i felt really crook. i went to lie down in the nurses station. i was burning up with a fever. i took a few panadols and tried to sleep it off. i slept for about an hour, then the nurses insisted i go down to accident and emergency. i thought i might as well considering it would be free after the medicare rebate. took my bloods, put me on a drip and took a few x-rays. i crashed there for a while. woke up 4 hours later and the doctor told me it was just a viral infection. great.

going to take the next two days off work. just sit at home and be bored.

:-)

okay so im tipsy/drunk now. feeling worse, physically and emotionally. tired of the shit i bring onto myself. wish it was all over. i wish i could fall asleep, never wake up and never have to deal with what i have to deal with.

pinot noir

so here i am in my room, a glass or red in one hand, the bottle in the other and the computer on my lap. i am down, so yet again i turn to my best friend alcohol to help drown the sorrows.

i'm sick. my nose is running, my throat is sore and im constantly getting hot flushes. i nearly fainted at work again. this whole fainting thing has been happening for the past 2 or 3 years. i spoke to a doctor about it once and he found nothing wrong. dean nagged me like a mother would - "are you going to get yourself checked out?". interesting how my own mother would never nag me like that. anyways, i did talk to the nurses about it. they said nothing was wrong. my blood sugar level was good, and my blood pressure was fine. so no biggie in my books. i'll wait for it to happen again...

it feels like my life is getting too complicated for me. i want to talk about it. but i can't. can't find the words to express it...yet again. it will all blow over, im sure.

heres to another glass of wine.

cute

as i waited at the tram stop at around midday, a lovely old lady sat down next to me and asked "are you going to the big day out?".

it took me by surprise. i almost wondered if she was going to tell me she was going. i then commented on how many trams were heading out north, but none were heading into the city. like me she was heading into the city, and i said to her that it was probably good because she would be unlikely to find a seat on a north-bound tram.

she replied with "oh people these days offer their seat to the elderly..."
im like "oh yeah... lucky!"

she then asked me if i went out on new years eve. i told her i didn't. she said she did and on the way home the trams were as packed as they were today. i thought it was cute that she enjoyed her new years and partied with the young'uns. her new years eve was probably more exciting than mine.

diana ross, mariah and janet

so very tired. i have a splitting headache from a lack of sleep and other things. ive had maybe 2-3 hours sleep last night. i did however get an hour nana-nap after after-AG-work-drinks at hairy canary last night. all up.... not enough, especially considering the amount of sleep i had gotten the previous night.

so. dean and i just hung out last night, talked crap, music and more crap.

as i fell asleep, imma messaged me. she told me her troubles and i felt guilty i didn't have the energy to call her. i quickly typed out a message and promised i'd call back in a couple of hours.

so here i am waiting for her to reply to my message to tell me shes awake so i can call her. i worry about her. all i want is for her to have fun.

back in melb

i'm back in melb. tired as hell. feel like shit. nothing feels right. nothing.

i don't belong.

lax

at lax in business lounge.

as i checked in at lax i walked past the philipine air check in counter. it was chaotic. like really chaotic. it seemed like the whole plane was taking a large chunk of LA back with them. there were crates, boxes, suitcases...madness. it was amusing though.

i walked up to the qantas counter. much more civilised, orderly queues, 2 bags per passenger. much more relaxed. in the line this cute kid caught my eye. he/she started smiling with big eyes at me. flapped his arms. so i smiled back and pulled funny faces at him. cute. he seemed amused.

i'm dying for a smoke. but i don't want to buy a carton of malboros cos they taste funny and they don't have the dunhills we normally smoke.

tim is picking me up from the airport tmrw. sweet boy he is.

yvr

im waiting in vancouver airport. the flight is at 2:20, its now 12:00. so much waiting. thank god for free internet.

im looking forward to getting home, but there is still that hint of hesitation. hard to explain. i think i just dont want to face reality.

imma messaged me early in the morning. i replied, and then my mind just started thinking. it got away from me. my thoughts were churning at a rate i couldn't control. i quickly turned my computer on and typed out an email as there was no way i could cram all that i was thinking into an sms. in the morning when i got to my uncles place, i quickly turned my computer on and sent imma the email. it was like a huge blog vomit. it felt good to get it out, but i know the feeling won't last.

im in the alaska airlines 'boardroom' lounge at yvr with my dad. my mum is somewhere else in the airport, in a different wing because shes flying a different airline and route. its weird. when im not around my parents i convince myself that i maintain a good relationship with them, but when i spend more than 2 days with them the cracks really begin to show. i am thankful to be on my way home to my friends who understand me better than my parents. i just hope my friends will be as glad to see me as i will to see them...

no-man's land.

drove back down to vancouver today. leaving for aust soon. looking forward to getting home, but not. mixed emotions. i just want to hop on that plane, never land and forever be in the middle of nowhere.

torture...

so my left butt cheek is hurting, so is my back, legs and feet. why do i torture myself?

i do realise the absurdity of me cramming my feet into hard plastic boots, fastening the plastic shoes to flat planks and then hooning down a mountain at ridiculous speeds, only to have to pay copious amounts of money to get back up and then do it all over again. i think skiing is a stupid sport. but...i do love it so.

its cold. im wet. therefore i am cold. but...i still put myself through this torture. i cant wait to get home, get in the shower and wait for the pain to melt away with the hot water.

i woke up this morning to a beautiful day. it was snowing heavily, sun was hidden by clouds. dad and i decided to take a bus to the slopes as we didn't trust brunhilde to get us there in one piece. i skied pretty hard for the first few runs, but soon tired myself out. the snow is heavy and my back is still sore from the first day on the slopes. after a beer over lunch, i decided i'd take it easy. dad was keen for me to ski by myself because he was having trouble keeping up. i was keen. we seperated and i headed for the bottom of the mountain to sneak in a quick smoko. let me just say, marlboro cigarettes here taste funny and dunhills look funny. after sucking it all in, i headed back up on the mountain to toture my poor butt and back some more. at around 1:40pm at the top of the mountain, the sun came out. it was still snowing. magnificent.

whistler is such an emotional town for me. so many memories. i remember the first time i met santa was here; i was 7 and santa was my aunty's boyfriend at the time (i found out the other day he passed away last year from colon cancer). i was showered with gifts from aunties, uncles and santa. of course, none from my parents.

being here, not having any friends or relatives except my parents leaves me feeling rather bored at home. there is no tv, so i only have my mind, my book and my ipod to entertain me. theres only so much of each i can take. i find myself day dreaming constantly of love and what not. it doesn't help that the town is full of hot boys from all over the world. i dream that i'll find love here, or i dream of finding it at home and then i wonder of what i'd do. its pretty much setting myself up for disappointment.

i long to be home, amongst familiar faces, laughs and conversation. i want to be hugged. kissed.

the whole coming out thing. i don't know anymore. parents don't talk about it. i'm not sure if thats just them being them, or if it will come back and bite my arse later on. oh well, will have to wait and see.

i called my sister last night. i used up pretty much all of the credit i had bought that day. i spoke to her for ages, discussing my feelings towards my life at the moment. everything feels a bit too hard at the moment.

she said to me that i'm doing okay, and that my move to melbourne has been the making of me. i try so hard to believe her.

brunhilde

okay so today was my first time on the slopes for a good 2 years now. felt a bit rusty but its just like riding a bike. snapped on my skis, stuck my poles in, pushed, and off i went. i was skiing with my cousin today, he was snowboarding, i was on my skis. we skied hard and fast. we did however call it quits early so he could drive back down to vancouver.

my legs are sore, they haven't gotten a workout like this since well... the last time i had sex? okay i lie. they've been worked harder since the last time i had sex. for lunch i had poutine and a chilli burger.

the weather today was beautiful. blue skies, the sun was out. the sun was softening the snow so it was just right. unfortunately it does mean that if tmrw isn't sunny and it doesn't snow tonight its going to be so icy tmrw. oh well. i'll deal with it.

drove to the village this evening so i could use the computer and blog this stupid blog. so rusty at driving in canada. i get into the car, 1978 volvo named brunhilde. i walk to the wrong side of the car to start off with. i figure it out, sit down and took a deep breath. i pull the choke (yuhuh, the car has a manual choke), floor the accelerator and crank the engine. yay it started. i feel the engine dying so i pull the choke out some more and floor the accelerator. my dad comes out and tells me what DOESN'T work and pretty much gave me a list of things and instructions that was longer than the bible. convinced i could get the car down to the village without any hiccups, i put the car into reverse and backed the car up. i pull up to the main traffic light and theres a hitch-hiker. i think about picking him up, but then i realise it would be mighty embarrassing picking up a hitch-hiker in a car that barely drives. so i decide not to, and at that point the engine dies. i pull the choke out again, floor the accelerator and crank teh engine. i notice the hitch-hiker has pulled his arm in and decided that hopping into my car was a bigger gamble than waiting out in the cold for another car. oh i should mention also that on the way to the village, a car turned left infront of me and i nearly ran into him, only because i was hesitant to slam on the brakes incase the engine stalled and i'd have more difficulty starting the engine again.

i've thoroughly enjoyed myself so far, but missing friends so much.

hmmz. other news: i came out. to my mother.

it was kinda disappointing, and somewhat frustrating. I was just talking about imma and dean and telling them how they were going and what we've been doing lately.

mum: is imma your girlfriend?
me: no
mum: is imma dean's girlfriend?
me: no
instead of asking the only other combination, she asks "are you gay?"
me: huh? what? does it matter? yeah...
mum: you know why i thought you were...
me: isn't it obvious?
mum: no do you know why? i found porn...

it was mum's way of saying "i told you so. i told you you were gay" and having the last laugh as she always has to.

she then told me to be careful because "anatomically its not meant to be..." i quickly agreed and tried to change topic. last thing i wanted was a sex talk from my mother...

i feel somewhat disappointed that it was all a bit too easy. oh well i guess i should be thankful.

another big day tmrw. going skiing with my parents. but i think i'll ditch them at midday. ski by myself. and then maybe, hopefully, a hot boy will ski into me and then will have to tend to my cut lip and hurt finger by taking me home and having hot sex with me. goddamn the boys here are hot. and i am horny.

dean, my mother is getting you that magazine. she says its for your birthday. i almost told her she was being cheap, but then i realised you are probably the first friend of mine shes bought a gift for.

bored

you can tell i'm bored by the kind of shit i post.

i found this funny.

home

feeling an odd sense of displacement. a few days ago i was reading through old blogs of mine and of friends and i remember sydney with such fond memories. park drive is no longer home and now i look back at what was home prior to moving to park drive.

bell st preston (the old PANCH)
i'd just moved to melbourne, knowing no one but my god-sisters and a few family friends who i were never close with. studying at RMIT bundoora, it seemed to make sense moving there. people constantly around, concierge to help me with things and so very close to uni. it was hell. i made no friends. my room was smaller than a shoebox and it was ages away from the friends i did make. my local safeway was the most dangerous safeway in the whole of victoria. most stabbings in the carpark than any other safeway in the state.

orrong rd armadale
beautiful apartment. wonderful flatmate. just wasn't ready. i didn't know what i wanted. i was confused with the boy i loved. i was confused whether i loved or not. lol. for the first time i felt like melbourne was home. the streets were leafy and green, supermarkets were packed with everything i could possibly want and i was around the corner from everything gay and retail. i had fun living there. i perhaps expected a bit too much, and was totally new to the whole share experience. there was a point where i just gave up. i was confused, stressed, and partnered. i was trying so hard to make that relationship work that everything else took second priority.

astorial court carlton
it became home. it was close to everything but uni (but it was closer to uni than armadale was). i don't have much to say about the place other than how great the location was. nothing in the apartment was mine. everything seemed to be at war with each other - colours, decor, me, tim. it really felt like home when tim broke up with me and i was left house sitting. then my life turned upside down when tim kicked me out with 2 days notice.

bouverie close carlton
it was only ever temporary. the day i moved in i knew i was going to be moving out. rent was too expensive for me to maintain. location was great given it was on the city border. there were dramas though. there was no carpark to my name, despite the landlord saying there was. thank god i managed to get a carpark for 5 of the 6 months i stayed there. i discovered a friend 6 floors above me. we used to hang out everyday. i miss him. dean also moved in with me for a period of time. we had some good times, and i say good because they were fun, but laced with much sadness. towards the end of the contract bouverie close, despite its shabbiness and the fact that we were sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the living room, felt like home.

harrow rd stanmore
now technically not a place i can call home, i've had some very homely memories there. the trip to sydney in july last year was the best of them all. such dreary weather outside only amplified the warmth of the old house. even when it was absolutely freezing inside, something still warmed you up from the inside out. looking back i remember fondly our makeshift plastic ashtray, the weed, the rain on the window above the shower and the homecooked breakfast. life was easy there.

park drv parkville
now most of you know how i feel about park drive. it was once home, but now i feel so uncomfortable. now i can't wait to move out, get myself a nice comfy bed and everything else i need and for once settle down for more than a few months.

gastown?? do you mean gaytown?

so. spent today shopping in vancouver. its wet, cold and so very windy. wearing my warmest jumper - my pink/purple roy hoodie, i decided to hit the town and buy up big. i stood out like a sore thumb as most people around here stick to black coats, grey hoodies and brown jackets. headed to robson st knowing that its my usual haunt when it comes to canadian shopping. today i was very disappointed. everything was black, or a variation of it. all a bit boring. after much walking and frustration i decided to ask a few sales assistants and they soon pointed me in the direction of gastown. fuk me dead it was cold. gastown is by the water, so its even windier and colder. there i am in my pink jumper and fricken low-v tshirt underneath (what on earth was i thinking?) freezing my nipples off.

i found the cutest t-shirts, great jeans and other stuff. i almost want to go back tomorrow wearing more clothes so i wouldn't be running between stores with dangerously erect nipples (my mother always told me not to run with sharp objects). there were some hot coats but i'm not sure if they are really my thing. if i have time on the way home i'll drop by and pick up a coat. oh and i found this really really hot cardigan. when i saw it i was drawn to it. i picked it up and the pricetag didn't deter me. it was almost meant to be...until i asked the guy where it was from. he goes - "its an australian brand...from australia". the thought of me buying an extraordinarily expensive item of clothing which has probably travelled further than i have (considering no one makes knits in australia) is absolutely crazy in my books. but i thought long and hard about it, and it didn't seem so crazy when i looked in the mirror. oh well with imma's advice ringing strong in my head, its probably best i didn't buy it. i've found a stockist in melbourne... i shall check it out as soon as i get home.

i've already spent more than i can afford. oh and i havent even bought the essentials i've been looking for like a beanie and neck gator.

question of the day: are you from england?

must be my non-convict-south-australian upbringing.

missing you guys terribly.

cry me a river

i'm in vancouver now. lying in my uncle's guest bedroom which was once my cousin's room. the bed is slightly cold and scratchy from layers of hemp like blankets.

the flight over was interesting. i believe i cried 3 times. i get so emotional. i watched little miss sunshine. all was good. nothing too emotional about that movie. brokeback mountain on the other hand, my fragile emotional state meant i was balling by the end of the movie and i think i'll start crying everytime i hear that song.

the next movie i chose was time to leave i think. something foreign. its about a young man whos faced with terminal cancer. i slept through half of it, but it was sad enough for me to cry. hot boy.

open season. enough said. anyone who knows me well knows that animations play with my heart. typical rollercoaster type of storyline. happy beginning, sad goodbyes, tough times, strength finding, realisation, happy ending. i cried.

so very tired. craving friends like well... as much as i am craving a cigarette.

i feel so alone.

Going...going...gone...

At the qantas club lounge in melbourne airport. rushed through customs, i must have looked a bit suspicious (or maybe its because i'm asian - racist), security lady pulled me aside and did one of those explosive tests. yeah right, i wouldn't know what to do with a bomb...

anyways, tried making small talk with security lady. didn't work. walked through, tried strutting but my legs hurt too much from last night. and yes dean, i know its all in the arms...

had a look at the departure board. would post the pic i took, but i can't maybe later. the board said:

QF73 Vancouver - RELAX

Too funny. just what i needed to see. i've been going out of my mind. i'm stressing out about leaving my friends behind. this will be the longest period of time i'll be away from imma. And then i worry about dean. hes a big boy.

i'm going to eat.

love you all

bye bye

so i leave today. i had a moment earlier where i cried on the phone. imma was saying she wanted to give me hugs and cuddles before i leave.

i've never been away from imma for this long. ever since the day we stuck crystals on her face we've seen each other pretty much every other day. then she introduced peta into my life. and well... lets not go there (i do miss her so).

i've never felt so uneasy about leaving before. maybe the plane will crash or something haha. leaving my friends behind is something i am having difficulting coping with. the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and invite someone out for coffee scares me. i've become so dependant on my friendship network its not funny. this time away will do me good.

i realised last night i need a will. what happens if i do die overseas?

yoyos go up...and then come down. this little yoyo is coming down - fast.

erin scissorhands...

dean and i had freddy over for dinner last night. its always a pleasure to have a night with freddy. so easy going and relaxed, you can't help but feel at ease when he is around...until...erin.

so uncomfortable she made us feel that after dropping freddy off we decided to take a drive just to avoid going home - we ended up in woodend. her constant complaints, snippy remarks - "oh i see you've beaten me to the kitchen again." are driving me up the wall. not once have i complained about her loud music, her exuberant use of toilet paper or her constant ill-temper. okay maybe i have complained, but never to her. i put up with it because this house is as much hers as it is mine. actually, truth be told, its her house more than mine because i'm not on the lease, but still, i contribute more to this household than she does.

i try to be nice, and everytime it gets thrown back in my face.

me: oh erin, theres chocolate cake in the fridge if you or edward want some.
erin: you know how i feel about sweet things.

me: oh erin, edward, if you guys want to play xbox, feel free to play with mine
edward: sure, thanks.
erin: i was actually trying to discourage him from playing.

at least her brother is polite.

i can't wait to get out of here. good luck to her, i hope her next housemates are able to tolerate her.

take another step towards my manhood

alcohol is everyone's best friend.

my 5th night of birthday celebrations. i organised dinner at home for pauline, pauline's mum, dean, imma and myself. prawns, dips, and mussels. pauline's mum brought a beautiful cake. such an experience. laughs all around. video soon to be posted: me blowing out the candles. the frickin' candle wouldn't blow out. hilarious. i opened my present. ipod video. love it. now i can take porn to canada and watch it on the plane.

birthday drinks at canary club was amazing. it started off a bit quiet. i was so nervous about the night. i was really scared that no one would get along. we started off with a bottle of moet and chandon and it seemed to relax everyone. at that point i realised i had nothing to stress about.

the night worked out really nicely. everyone was talking and just getting along with each other. our fears of dean, imma and myself supporting the party and having to run between groups to keep the life of the party going were unwarranted.

i had a moment. dean had said to me before the party: i want you to look around, and realise that everyone is there for you, because they love you. as i walked up to Joel for a birthday shot, everyone started singing. it was fucking amazing. i almost cried. i looked around and saw everyone. later on in the night, tim sent me a message which only reinforced that feeling of love.

i ran into some old work colleagues. they were out to celebrate christina's farewell. i quickly invited them upstairs - "theres a bunch of fags and a tab, come upstairs and have a drink". I got them started on long island iced teas.

i can't remember much of canary club. but i do know i had a good time. i remember chatting with people, just can't remember what i said. i was most probably talking shit.

next stop after canary club was onesix. most people had left for home or heaven's door/gate/whatever. i was keen to party on. we took a taxi to onesix. we ended up waiting outside the pet store for taylan. i call my sister in toronto. lets not think about my phone bill... she seems to be holding up well. i told her dean and i might meet them at mardi gras if they are in sydney. i was so very drunk at the time. "oh my, i am so fucked karen. the nights been great, went for drinks, now we are heading out, i'm drunk". taylan bailed on us, and my next fear was that we were going to get knocked back from one six. we've never been knocked back, and i didn't want the first time to be on my birthday night.

we get in, did the usual, hid in a corner for 15 minutes just sussing out the crowd, then straight to the dance floor. we were dancing, then someone felt me up - i thought to myself: not another drug fucked asian girl. i turn around and its freddy, simon, emily and dee - asians, just not drug fucked - love them. i honestly can't remember much from then onwards. i remember freddy coming up to me and apologising for having to leave. he is such a sweetie.

we sat down in a corner, and a girl asked us for a cigarette. i think imma obliged. she introduced herself to us, and then introduced us to her husband's best friend. the three of us always seem to meet really interesting people at one six. no one seems too shy to talk to us. we just sat and talked for most of the night. it got to about 5 or 6 o'clock i think and luke and rachel had to leave. imma got an unexpected invite, and we urged her to go have fun.

that left dean and i. we decided to head to market as we weren't trashed enough to head to revolver, and not ready for circus. the crowd was the usual crowd. I didn't really care for the crowd. i was just out to have a good time. i bought us a bottle of water and we did our thing. bought a glass of champagne and then mariah came on. we downed the champagne and ran for the dancefloor. the three songs i remember are: say something, be without you and aint no other man. the three songs which bring back memories of good nights out at the market. at one point dean left me on the dance floor by myself. he told me to hang on. fucked as i was, i didn't really know what was going on. he comes back, dances a little bit and then grabs me. he spins me around to face the wall. The lasers spelt out "happy birthday andrew. d.s.". special.

when we got tired of the crowd and the music we decided to head to hairy canary. i thought it would have been a lovely way to finish the night. we rock up there at 9:00AM and start on a glass of wine. dean ended up falling asleep on my shoulder and knocking the ashtray onto the floor. we are so classy. it was time to call it a night. we cabbed it back, dean headed to bed, i headed for the shower. i changed into my peter alexanders and crawled into bed.

i slept like a baby, woke up at 4:00 and stumbled downstairs. as i open my bedroom door, imma opens it from the other side. she smiled at me, and smiled back. her mouth opened and you could feel the excitement. i drag her upstairs so she could tell us all about her eventful night.

the three of us decided to get some breakfast at nudel box. we drove out to hawthorn, via toorak, damn scenic route. i was trying so hard to concentrate on driving i just forgot where we were going. we eventually made it there. i had two bites of my noodles and i was full. struggled through the rest of it. headed home.

the three of us stumbled upstairs. we chatted for a while and then one by one, we all passed out.

monday morning i woke to "fuck i missed my hair appointment!". in my sleepy state i think i mumbled (or at least thought) - "just reschedule it for later today". imma replies "you dont understand, the appointment was for yesterday..."

massive weekend. i've partied harder before, but this weekend was something different, something special.

to all my friends: i love you.

to the left, to the left

so i ended up going out last night. wasn't intending on doing so, but freddy and simon were out and i hadn't seen them in ages. dean and i made our way to double happiness. we discussed his birthday party ideas, such as invites and themes. i decided to plan my funeral - i had nothing else to plan. who wants to be my choreographer at my funeral??

the laotian beer was burning my throat. never again. we left for st jerome's and on the way realised how much i loved freddy and simon's friends. both of the girls were so down to earth, quick and witty. stunning too.

must get ready for dinner tonight. cooking prawns and mussels. forgot bread. fuck. oh well. i'll pretend i never intended to buy bread.

birthday boy

so my birthday. cruisy day at work, glad its over though. raced home, tired as, hiked through the heat. got home and fell into bed. i had a quick nap, then realised that imma and dean would be on their way home. i quickly changed.

such sweeties, organised a little night out for me. movie and dinner at crown. even though i knew we were seeing a movie and having dinner, details were left out so there would be an element of surprise. yay - my own surprise party, and i didn't even organise it myself. in my head i practiced acting surprised for when dean and imma handed me a gold class ticket, but my acting talent (or lack of) was wasted as gold class was sold out. and then i wondered why we kept on gravitating towards 'the pub' at crown, despite my wishes to eat at KFC. it clicked when daniel rang and told me he was waiting at the table at the pub.

the movie - traumatising. but i think it was the only movie everyone hadn't seen. dinner was really simple. i have never seen so much mash in my life.

it was such a lovely surprise. never has so much effort gone into making my birthday such a special day.

thank you guys. love you'se.

birthday eve

i finished work for the day, raced home, got changed into jeans and my precious precious new t-shirt christmas gift and raced to daniel, jeremy and scotty's place. daniel and jeremy hand me a birthday gift. was so very shocked, and pleasantly surprised when i opened it. love you'se dearly darlings.

had dinner and desert at lucky coq and then walked up chapel st for coffee at kazbar. was a lovely night to have a couple of beers, pizza and coffee. not too cold, or warm - just right.

when i get home, i race upstairs to show dean my new presents only to find him passed out on his new bed. cute. i tidy up and head back downstairs. after settling in downstairs, dean's awake and we end up watching episodes of absolutely fabulous and will and grace.

time flew and it was 12:30AM...its my birthday.

dean asked me what i wanted to accomplish before i turn 23... i couldn't think of anything. i feel somewhat sad now. what happened to my ambition to be ambitious?

good night peeps, i'm 22...

the lion, the witch and the new wardrobe

really enjoyed today. i relaxed. i wasn't bothered with anything. took imma and dean to work, hung around there for a bit, so very grateful to be able to spend some time with imma. its been less than a week since i last saw her, but it feels like a whole month. when the shop became to hot to handle, i decided to leave, ran home, locked myself in dean's room and turned on the air conditioner. watched memoirs of a geisha, and half of monster-in-law. felt good to just do nothing for the day.

i fell asleep half way through the second movie. woke up to find 20 missed calls on my phone. i call dean to find out what was going on. find out imma had left work. i ran downstairs to see if she was waiting by the front door, but instead find she had already left for home :(. she needs her rest. i really miss her.

decided to meet up with jeremy and daniel for coffee/breakfast/desert. met them at their place, felt faint due to my incredibly low blood sugar. i was driving like i was drunk, i couldn't form coherent sentences and was forever staring into blank space.

coffee at ice, combined with the music, made me feel so very jittery. the steak sandwich made me feel so much better, but did nothing to alleviate the jitteriness.

we then went to mamacas for some donut-thing-i-forget-what-its-called.

really appreciated the time spent with daniel and jeremy. their company is always refreshing and i always walk away feeling ten times better than i did before. daniel is someone so dear to me. he has always been there through my tough times, yet always cut me loose when my dependence on him was too much or when my depression became and obsession. i've learnt a lot from him.

tim, invited me out for dinner. at first i was hesitant, but then realised i shouldn't be scared of him. i invited dean along, almost without telling either of them that the other party would be there. i couldn't be so mean. dean decided to come along, and tim confessed that he actually liked dean contrary to what he has said before. i have to thank dean for coming out with us. his company over dinner was neccessary as tim and i have few things to talk about and our conversations die quicker than a fish out of water . bless dean's heart for his ability to break even the thickest of ice with his warm laugh and quick humour. i can't help but think tim might have felt a bit out of place for we have grown apart over this year, but i can definitely see he is happier.

i just opened up my christmas presents from dean. funny getting my christmas presents closer to my birthday than christmas. i love them. muchly appreciated, you always know what to get... *kiss* you know i have to go all out for your birthday present now.

calmness

for the first time in a week i am feeling particularly calm. so calm in fact, that i can't sleep. oh dear god i start work in 4 hours.

its a cool summer night and its too hot in my room, thank god i'm not upstairs. if only i could sleep outside in the backyard. i really would if there weren't bugs, rats and possums. i'd get eaten alive out there...

the past month or two has been somewhat uneventful for me, but so very dramatic for those around me. and as usual, their problems and dramas rub off on me. not that my friends force the drama onto me, but i just seem to take it on, their dramas become my dramas. when there is a fight, i feel uneasy; a breakup, i feel disappointed. its not that i sympathise with them, its just my own reaction and feeling to their own emotions. but for some reason, tonight i feel different. i only feel calmness...

maybe its because all the drama has come to an end for now.

we'll see.

boredom

my god the heat. for me, it felt 10 times hotter than it really was. after such a big weekend my body has lost all temperature control. i find myself having hot flushes even in the most air conditioned rooms. bit frustrating, but oh well, it will pass.

work was intense. the morning was quiet, i just tidied up a few plans, finished a breast plan thats not due for ages, did a few CT scans. one of our doctors came in at around 3 o'clock and approved a whole bunch of prostate plans which are due tomorrow. that left me with 3 hours of rushed writing, sticking, printing and clicking in order to get everything ready for the patients to start treatment tomorrow afternoon. left work at around 6:15 and slowly made my way home.

got home, no one was home. lonely. but thats okay. i'm doing some laundry at the moment, and once thats done, i'll head out to the opium den (the star hotel - will i ever learn?).

summadayze part 2

so first day back at work after the new year break. i'm back into the swing of things, performing 3 CT scans, planning 3 prostates and 1 brain. most productive day i've had in a while.

this morning when i woke up i was still buzzing from yesterday. i thought mardi gras was amazing, but summadayze had a different kind of atmosphere. there was even a pregnant lady. she even looked a bit drug-fucked. everyone was just there for a good time.

what a way to welcome the new year...

i feel at peace now. yesterday, imma said to me - this is the time to put all the shit of 2006 behind us, and i did. simple as that.

summadayze

it was great. scattered now. in pain - legs, tummy, arse. tired. angry. content. ecstatic

i'm fucked.

good night.

???

Oddspot Monday 11 Dec

"Christer Fuglesang, who is set to become the first Swede in space, plans to take a frisbee with him on the space shuttle Discovery's next mission. The 49-year-old, once a national frisbee champion, hopes to set a record for maximum air time. "

tired.

new years is fast approaching and i am finding myself tired. tired of the shit, the drama, the work, and even to some extent the friends.

i want to let go. move on. do my own thing for a bit. canada will be good.

i love my friends dearly, but somehow i find myself caught in awkward positions in disputes. i often wonder why it seems i get caught in the middle. i do nothing wrong, yet i am confronted with yelling, crying and frustration.

it shits me that i am faced with this feeling.

i want it all to end... if only it were that simple.

i miss my old friends - the ones who didn't care if i lived or died.

steamin' steamboat

what a wonderful evening. we all sat around the table like a little asian family, a pot of homemade stock boiling away in the middle. it was rather sweet. tonnes of laughs.

jeremy taught me how to pot a plant. very useful as i have to pot all my herbs and plants. i just need to get pots.

the next door neighbours had a little mini-rave in the courtyard. their music clashed with scotty's. standing in the doorway, i had a sudden urge to dance, but i didn't know what to do.

imma rang. congratulated me on my recent blog. commented on how i was "verbally retarded". i laughed, and she quickly corrected - "blog retarded". laughed even harder.

we all decided to go to qna. arrived, found it was closed - damn. moved onto peel. oh dear god. was just as trashy as i remembered. spotted a few hotties. jared was offered thai take-away. refused straight away and urged us to leave. after daniel and jeremy finished dancing, we moved on. drove back to prahran and ended up at candy for a whole 2 minutes while jared used the little boys room.

oh while at peel, i ran into some old friends. danny. a boy i met about this time last year. or maybe it was early this year. anyways, was good to catch up with him. damn hes good looking. i should party with him a bit more.

such a great night. so simple.

http://blogs.theage.com.au/entertainment/archives/2006/12/last_laugh_live.html

anger anonymous...

so. anger. its an emotion which puzzles me so much. i hate being angry, but theres something so very addictive about it. imma told me the other day that i like to stay angry. its true, when someone upsets me, i almost don't want to forgive the person, and i'll even find faults where they don't exist, or even exacerbate the situation with far-from-subtle ignoring.

i hate it. its so self-destructive. i don't gain anything, just the torment of watching all those close to me turn their backs on me.

the whole anger addiction thing i think stems from my dread of being emotionless. there is nothing worse for me than to feel nothing. i need constant stimulation, be it, love, happiness, sadness or whatever. maybe i'm making up for years of having to hide my emotions around my parents. as a kid, whenever i was happy, i'd talk; my parents would tell me to be quiet. when i was sad, i'd cry; my grandma would tell me i look ugly when i cry. i had no outlet for my emotions. i didn't have my music, a blog, or any creative medium.

i'm angry now. but i want it to change. not just for my own sake, but for my friends'.

season's greetings.

this christmas has been special.

christmas day was spent with dean's family, and christmas dinner was spent with imma's family.

it was beautiful. bless their hearts.

anger management...

you know when you get angry. so angry you feel sick. thats me right now.

somedays...

...i look in the mirror and think "woah i have a big head"

...i think to myself "i have a lot of love to give"

...i walk into walls and wonder at the end of the day why my arm is sore

most days...i just think i have a big head.

nothing...

right now. i feel like i've accomplished nothing this year.

work work work...

i find myself blogging a lot about work. it is most definitely the primary source of stress in my life. futher to that, it is a part of my life which brings me much satisfaction most of the time. so it comes as no surprise it is something i find blog worthy.

today was my last day before annual leave, and being so close to christmas, our department has organised that all staff members get one half-day off in order to get their christmas shopping under control. its all very hush-hush, but it seems like the whole organisation does it.

anyways, this morning i find myself alone in my area as my charge had taken the morning off, and the other two staff members were coming in at 9:00. so that left me, the most junior person in the department, become the most senior person in the immediate area. i should get a business card saying:

Andrew Lim, Acting Charge Radiation Therapist

the previous afternoon, my charge warned me of the situation. i asked her if she was comfortable with me holding the fort, and she said "you'll be fine!"

so normally, theres at least two early shift staff members. i was there doing the job of two, including the administrative duties usually delegated to the charges. university did not prepare me for this.

the first phone call i took was from a patient, who was worried that her postponement of her start date would compromise the effectiveness of treatment. i reassured her that her doctor was aware of the situation and did not have any concerns. i told her that i'd get the doctor to call her when he arrived. one problem solved.

at 9:00 the other two staff members arrived. having not much work to do between the 3 of us, we just did our own things and got stuff organised. these two staff members are not much more qualified than me, only being in the job 1 year more than myself. one, i enjoy working with, the other, i have no faith in. he does his work well, but isn't a leader.

the doctor arrived, i find myself taking control again. i explain to him the situation with the phone call earlier in the morning. i give him everything he needs to make the phone call and he does so. he then goes upstairs to see a few patients. half an hour later, i'm in the computer room doing my own work, and my colleague comes in saying the doctor is on the phone asking for me. i drop what i am doing assuming its regarding the other patient. turns out, he just wanted me to take a prescription. now, taking a prescription is usually left for the charge or at least someone more superior than the intern. at this point i'm freaking out. i was trying so hard to multitask; writing down phone numbers, names, booking CT dates and start dates on the computer while on the phone with the doctor. why he asked me to do it, i don't know...

its weird. i have really cruisy days at work where everything just flows. other days, like today, i get a big arse spanner thrown into the works and i have to pull on resources i never thought i had.

i really needed that off my chest...

emotionally clogged...

i had the biggest scare today. i felt violated. my blog is something personal. although i don't do it often, it is still my medium in which i (when i can) express my most personal thoughts and emotions. the reason for this new blog was to run away from the past and hide a part of my life from someone who was once very much a part of it. this evening i open my email to find that a comment had been left, signed off by 'timw'. after much thinking, and much worrying, i figure out it was another tim.

post-heart-attack, i reflect on what my blog has become. it was started to express my inner-most feelings much like a personal diary but sadly my blog entries are not an expression of my emotions. my emotions are a mystery to me, so there is no chance of me blog-vomiting it all out for all to see. i wonder why i am so disconnected with myself. as the new year fast approaches, i wonder why it feels like i am taking a step backwards. there was a time this year i thought i was connected with my own emotions; that i knew what i was feeling and i felt strong because of it. now i feel weak and lost.

talking online with my dearest friend now. we are discussing our party habits, and thinking about the mischief we get up to when we are out, there is always the coming down after great weekend out. this year; so much has happened, good and bad, and i wonder if my misunderstanding of myself is purely me coming down from what has been an amazing year.

i wonder too much.

life lived, life wasted part II

so. Remember that patient. She was amazing. Her passion for life amazed me. She was the one who told our nurses "that boy, is lovely" referring to me on her last day of treatment. I ran into her today while having tea in the cafeteria.

Its so rare that we discover the outcomes of our work. Usually we don't ever see the patient ever again, unless of course the disease progresses and they return for palliative treatment. I sometimes look up histories in the patient browser to see who has moved on with their lives, and who has passed on to something better.

This patient, really touched me. When people ask me what i do, and how i feel about it, i always refer to her. Our intent was palliation, and we succeeded in that. She told us she can drive again, walking better albeit with a little fall which set her rehab back a little bit, her pain is less, and she is getting on with what is left. Our work paid off, we fulfilled her wishes.

I wonder if she misses us...

Interesting topic we studied at uni - patients' dependance on the hospital setting. Our patients would spend up to 6 weeks visiting our department for their daily treatment. Over those 6 weeks they form bonds with staff and other patients. At the end of the 6 weeks, they no longer need to visit, they lose their friends, their support network, and worse, their active fight against their disease. I think we should hold post-treatment support groups, where patients can socialise outside of the hospital setting with people who have fought the same battles as they have. I know there are support groups like this out there, but whether they are fully utilised, I don't know. Perhaps I should bring this up at the next patient care meeting...

little red wagon

early this year, an intervention was held for me. it didn't quite go to plan (its actually kinda funny), but at the time i accepted it and adjusted my attitudes. but i didn't understand.

i fell off the wagon.

a little bit grazed and bruised, but i am still good.

the past week is a blur to me, but as it slowly comes back to me i reflect on the conversations i had with my friends and look back at the way i was behaving and i realise exactly what i was doing.

i never realised i was so self-destructive.

now i think i understand.

happiness...

when i no longer have any happiness left for myself, i turn to my friends and live off their happiness. lets hope they are happy...

maybe...

maybe it is time. it won't take much. i'm ready for it. all i need is a reason to leave...

fuck. the revelation came sooner than expected...

i feel like crying. its been a while. its like a dam. i don't want to cry. i have no reason to cry. i don't know why i want to cry. i think i've forgotten how to cry. lets see how many times i can put 'to cry' into a sentence...

end of year is fast approaching. in about 6 weeks time i'll be a fully qualified radiation therapist. i'll have my own responsibilities. I do have my own responsibilities now, but it means there will no longer be someone to check over my work. well there will, but there will only be 2 people checking over my work instead of 3.

i fucked up imma's dress. i feel bad. and i'm too weak to go back to the dry cleaners and demand something to be done about it. i know if i confront them they will just go "too bad...not our problem", and i'll give them a little frowny face and go "oh...are you sure?". i almost feel ashamed that i can stand up for my own friend. when will i be able to fight for myself? even when i get upset with friends, i don't do anything about it, and then of course nothing gets changed. i continue to get upset, and then it eats away at me, until i no longer have a friend. i'm starting to hate myself because of it.

fuck i'm late.

the recipe for a perfect boyfriend

1 cup imma
250 g peta
500 ml liam
a dash of dean

imma, such an intense flavour, its craziness and passion gives the boyfriend such bite. peta makes a great addition to enhance the flavour - spiciness and so very very hot. to soften the bite and hotness, add some liam. its sweetness leaves a wonderful aftertaste. the perfect garnish for the boyfriend, a dash of dean - so crisp and fresh, yet enhances each of the other ingredients.

just some fun to end a great night - happy birthday peta *kiss*

water is a ne-cess-it-y

what a weekend. i'm too scared to blog it all out. i have so much to say, so much pain, hurt and frustration to express, but just can't.

conversations with my 13-year-old self...

got this damn song in my head, one line, can't shake it.

i'm just tired.

where has my annual leave gone? i must have misplaced it along with my brain...

i'm looking forward to doing something for myself tmrw. maybe ikea. i hate the weekend rush, too many kids running amuck. hopefully dean won't need the car in the morning. i also want to move a table out of my room, but i'll need help with it - way too big. i'll have to call in some help; everyone around here seems a bit too busy to help.

i've been emailing my sister. she seems very happy with where she is; she has even extended her contract for another year. i'm still her kid brother though. still mothering me. she is concerned about the friendships i keep, the things i do, how i spend my money, drugs, alcohol, triads, etc. i don't think she will ever see me as an adult. i'll never be her equal. but then again, to put things in perspective, she has settled down, married, bought houses, and pursuing her career. i haven't really tackled any of those, well apart from the career bit. i guess from her point of view i still haven't grown up. i'm still renting, i am not interested in buying property, and i have not found true love. i look at devi and dean and i wonder if my sister and i will ever be that close.

trailer trash!

8:30am I get a phone call from Peta asking me to help her move some props for her. Since she couldn't drive stick, and her brother's friend bailed, so she asked me. i was happy, i thought it was just driving a manual van. I thought as long as it wasn't column shift i'd be fine.

Then Imma tells me I have to tow a trailer. at that point i was like "andrew. be a man, a man can drive anything...".

so i get there, my jaw drops when i see the van, i psych myself up... be a man... be a man...craps i'm just a boy...

i successfully get the van down the hill and get to the main road, cars were keeping their distance, none of the trailer lights were working. changing lanes required lots of head turning and "peta... am i clear?!" because the wing mirrors were also just as broken..ahh no power steering either...

it all seemed a bit incongruent, my outfit, prada sunglasses, and peta in this dirty broken van going 40km/h down the main roads in eltham.

the van was okay, apart from the huge difficulty in getting the van from second to third gear, and towing wasn't so hard, except when i had to reverse. oh dear god. peta's photographer told her that a sign of a true aussie bloke was the ability to reverse a trailer. i'm no bloke.. i held up traffic, reversed the trailer twice into the curb, mounted the van on the curb twice, but i eventually managed to park the van on the nature strip.

ahhh my arms are sore, my left knee is sore, and my back is sore. love it. most exercise ive done in months.

Panda Sneezes

Sneezing panda, priceless!

life lived, life wasted

i think i put my finger on it. there are two types of patients who i connect with better. the passionate patient who is determined to live (in the sense of experiencing life) and then the patient who is truly fighting.

one patient who comes to mind is a patient who, despite her terminal illness, continued to pursue what she loves - singing. her work, a victoria wide database of some sort was her pride and joy. it came to a holt with her diagnosis and instead, she focussed on her singing. to me, its beautiful; accepting her diagnosis and living life to the best of her ability. every now and then i get a patient who we treat curatively and have a real fighting chance and most probably have a disease-free future who really doesn't appreciate how lucky they really are. they treat their diagnosis as final, their treatment as a chore - not a battle, their life as practically over. i understand what they are going through, but the personal satisfaction i get from treating them is no where near as empowering; sure i'm helping them, but they don't have the drive which gives real validation to what i do.

i met a guy out at a club. he asked me what i did for work, i told him that i treat cancer. he said to me "oh yeah, i have a brain tumour". at that point, i felt like telling him "you are so amazing" (i think i did, i was so drunk). his prognosis is good. but he was amazing because he was out, enjoying himself with a champagne flute in one hand and a cigarette in the other. he was embracing life, not letting his disease stop him from really living life (i'm not saying smoking and drinking is required to live life - but he was enjoying himself). i have respect for him.

i think the reason i relate so well is because its something i want to do - live life with a passion. i want to explore the world, experience new things, further my career and become something bigger than i am at the moment.

i remember the blog entry i posted in response to dean's, and i said that his passion and drive made me want to always aim higher - and i'm getting there i think, ever so slowly with the help of the friends around me.

:D

they started stocking spare toilet rolls at work again :D...

theres a difference between bitching and the facts..

ended up at onesix on saturday night.

this weekend has been by far the best weekend in weeks. it was the best time at onesix i've had since imma's birthday - no headaches, no sore legs, no drama, just a huge itching to dance. i felt comfortable with myself. partly because i was so hideously trashed. 2 red wines, 1 stella (or was that two?), 3 jager-bombs and 3 bottles of champagne (split between 5) - and then a glass of red when i got home. love it.

met a couple while there. lovely. susanna, my god, so beautiful, so wise and so witty. at least i thought she was. i really couldn't understand a lot of what she was saying, but for the bits that i did catch, she cracked me up.

oh well. i'm sure dean or imma will blog the night, i really can't be bothered at the moment. too tired.

:(

they stopped stocking spare toilet rolls in the toilets at work :(...

"So here's to finding a boyfriend at the opium den..."

Dean...starving. decide to get some food. on the way to the beach, we decide, instead, to go grab hungry jacks and then a couple of drinks at the opium den. oh dear god.

action plan: run straight to the bar, grab a drink and sit down.

no talent. but then what do you expect. its star. opium den...whatever.

dean manages to get cruised like 5 times. okay maybe they were fat and ugly, but thats still more than what i got. what i got was a fucked-up straight girl.

"so like yeah... where are you from?"
"adelaide..."
"no really, where were you from originally?"
"adelaide..."
"oh... but from overseas?"
yes dear...adelaide is a foreign country...
"my parents are from singapore"
"oh i grew up in singapore. i spent 2 months there."
okay then...

she was stroking my leg, getting way too personal for my liking...

after two stellas, we felt it was time to leave.

dean makes a run for the door, i stand up and turn around to leave, and i find the girl grinding up against me.

"i really like your build..."
thanks darl, but i don't like yours
"thanks, you are pretty [fucked-up]"

So here's to finding a girlfriend at the opium den...

interview/bazaar/fashion...thank god its over

so, i had my interview today. glad its over. but i think i nailed it. answered each question with enough detail and backed each one up with an example.

oh well i find out next wednesday.

hope all goes well.

spent the arvo with dean running around town trying to find odds and ends for the house. was a good way to unwind from the stressful morning. thanks.

went to some fashion/hair/drinking thing at some place. it was good. free alcohol = happy me.

chicken'n'chalks

roasted two chickens for imma, dean, joseph and liam tonight. roasted lemon chicken - my variation of honey duck. basil, ginger, lemon, and a lemon-honey glaze. i steamed a truck load of veggies for imma. joseph brought home krispy kremes for desert. it was great. chicken and donuts, such a simple pleasure.

oh. i handed in a job application on monday, and now i have an interview on tuesday. yay. my first fret was over what to wear. now that is sorted i'm stressing over what to say in the interview. i went through a practice interview with imma and dean just then. was interesting. its funny how practice interviews are more nerve-racking for me and i can never seem to form good sentences, but when it comes to the real interview i just seem to make sentences flow. must be the adrenaline.

the next few weeks are going to be intense. interviews. social activities. annual leave. rotation within the department. its going to be interesting.

oh caught up with freddy and simon today. lovely. absolutely lovely. i didn't talk much. but thats me lately. i just don't have the energy to say anything. i just love being around people and just observing and listening. its my dad in me. he never liked to be the centre of attention. who knows. next month i'll probably be back to my loud non-stop talking self. i never know what direction my life is going. its like i have imma behind the wheel - the WORST sense of direction ever. god i love her.

alone

its spring...and its fucking freezing.

i feel so alone. i'm not though. but i am.

i feel empty.

i feel numb.

i'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. one day happy, the next sad, then frustrated, then happy, then scattered, then ecstatic at onesix, then REALLY scattered.

meh. claudia said once summer comes around, i'll feel better.

i've forgotten how to meet new people. 6 months ago i was chatty, social and easy-going. i was really sad. back then meeting new people was my coping mechanism. it kept me going, like a little injection of morphine to dull the pain. i met some great people. now, i'm happy and comfortable. i've recovered and have no idea how to meet new people. i feel awkward around people i don't know. i have no motivation to make small talk or start interesting coversations. even amongst friends, i don't really feel like talking. like i said, i feel numb. i think its the months of partying catching up with me.

i think i should change. i can see where this road will take me. i'll end up alone. no friends, no family, no love - no fun.

i really hope claudia is right.

oh my...

bloody woman...

okay day today. woke up early to do beam check. My colleague rang in sick which meant we were going to be understaffed for the whole day. Not so bad. Patients were really weird today. It seemed like they were rocking up at whatever time they felt like. Not even one patient stuck to their scheduled time slot. We were treating our 10:30 patient at 9:00, and our 9:00 patient at 11:30. It was weird. We didn't know if were running behind or early all day because we couldn't keep track. Anyways. With one patient, we were running behind with her. She rocked up early, we thought we'd push a few ambulance patients through (so the ambos would wait and the patient wouldn't have to hang around all day for them to pick them up). So by the time we got her into the room, it was 40 minutes past her appointment time. Not so bad, I won't let it happen again. We set her up. The most annoying patient set up ever. Partly due to the woman, and partly due to poor planning. Not much we can do about that now. We set her up, took us 10 minutes. We leave the room to turn the machine on and then the machine throws a fit because the position of the bed is 6mm outside its limit. Rachel and I throw a fit at the machine. We head back in to move her up the bed 6mm. We explain to the patient what we have to do due to the limitations of the machine. She replies "well maybe its nothing to do with the machine, maybe its the overworked workers". I ignored her. I really should have thrown a fit at her instead of the machine.

Anyways, knocked off early because I started at 7:00 in the morning. Went to use the bathroom. I stole a roll of toilet paper. I am turning into my father. Does anyone want a kidney dish?

peace.

so I'm outside in the sun, drinkng my tea while listening to joss stone. Love my days off. Liam is off at work, Imma is getting waxed and Peta is upstairs sleeping. Everything feels right at the moment.

Starting to feel stressed about job applications. My hospital advertised internally for grade 1 positions yesterday which is a wake up call for me to get my act together and put together an application. Read the most freaky horoscope last night; was directly related to my job situation. It said in the first 23 days of october a promotion or new job is likely; my interviews start on October 23rd. Freaky.

I think I'm stressing out more about what to wear, not so much about the interview. I really need to get my priorities straight...

You're welcome...

To Andrew

WITH SINCERE APPRECIATION

of your care and attention the last five weeks. I am sure with your kind bedside manner when you've [completed] your [internship] you will be in great demand.

[Patient]

One of my patients left me a card with that message, just for me, no one else got cards. The "you will be in great demand" bit sounds a bit dodgy, my colleagues were like "oh is she coming on to you!?"

where did they go?!

thursday, one of my patients finished treatment. she was a lovely lady. so chirpy and always up for a good laugh. she is a singer in a band, and still continues to do what she loves. She admitted that it was tough. As I walked her out of the room, I told her to look after herself. She hands me a box of chocolates and thanks me for everything.

I leave the chocolates on the bench and go talk to our nurses. They told me that the patient really appreciated everything I did and that I was lovely....

... I go back for some chocolate...

HALF OF THEM WERE EATEN!!!

together again.

family night in tonight. our family came together and had a little barbeque to celebrate the start of summer (spring?!?!).

it was great, we moved the dining table outside, liam and imma cooked, the rest of us just hung out outside. i really appreciate nights like these. good music and great company.

all together again at last... love it.

thank god its over.

The past weekend isn't worth blogging about.

Except, one thing, i was happy to be back in sydney.

such beautiful words

Me: I wonder where seagulls go to die...

Imma: Dead seagulls end up in the realm where dead humans hang while eating their dead fish and chips and feed the dead seagulls as they depart to the after life :)