stripey peter alexanders

im restless. my sleep was fairly undisturbed, apart from the need to piss a waterfall every fricken half hour. i opened my eyes, noticed my pyjamas on a boy. my first reaction was that i was having an out of body experience - fuck my arse has gotten small and perky. the confusion dissipated and i realised it was just a friend sharing a bed with me.

im anxious. i applied/applying for a property on high street. i love the place. but im scared to get my hopes up. too many times i've expected too much and been disappointed. better to keep the expectations low, i'm not strong enough to deal with disappointment.

many friends don't understand the situation i'm in. i say im homeless. they say i'm not, that i'm welcome in their home anytime. to me home has never been just a roof over my head. theres more to it than that.

moving in with imma. gorgeous girl. god bless her. i'm looking forward to it. the whole moving process has been a tough road, with both of us feeling rather frustrated at times. it may get tougher. but, one thing i've learnt about imma, her heart is always in the right place. as friends, we've grown together in an interesting manner. when we first met, i think she thought i was the quiet boy who just tagged along. that changed one night at onesix. after a short night out, imma, dean and myself retired into the bathroom where dean passed out around the toilet and imma and i polished off a bottle of red. we sat chatting and smoking and we both realised we were more alike than originally thought. at summadayze we partied hard and we realised we were both party people at heart; she even said she never would have thought i was such a party boy. her approach to friends is like my own. like myself, she holds a lot of respect for friendships, which often leads to disappointment, but then the disappointment really weeds out the good friends from the rest. shes a needy girl, im a needy boy, her company will be good. there will be much more drama, frustration and disappointment ahead for the both of us, but we can handle it.

special

so scattered i am. appreciative of the gestures friends are offering. come stay here. very kind everyone. but. i do not like burdens. and my home is your home does not really apply. i have no home. one thing to have a roof over your head, another to have a place of your own. very very happy to be looked after by friends. i never feel unloved. i do feel displaced...but loved.

chaos

so i'm a day away from being homeless. in true andy style i find myself in a non-sensical situation. tmrw i'm going to crash palace. tmw is also the last day i have to move my crap out of my room. chaos is the first word that comes to mind.

i'm stressing because i don't know where to put my stuff. ive got way too much junk for a single gay man.

i wonder why i put myself through such hardship. its certainly not by choice, but i could have made things easier for myself. spending 2 weeks in a hotel in feb 2006 because i was absolutely homeless should have taught me a thing or two about homelessness and how not to do things, but yet again, i find myself searching the web for short term accomodation just in case. the only difference now is i can't afford it. i am grateful to my friends who have offered beds and love, but none of that lessens the feeling of displacement. and the sense of displacement is amplified by the fact my belongings are strewn across melbourne, with my kettle base in richmond, and the actual kettle in north melbourne, chongy in prahran and cook books hopefully (?) in north melbourne with the kettle. i was hoping to leave my skis in north fitzroy, but that didn't work out to plan.

so for the next two weeks i'll live out of suitcases, from door to door of friends houses offering them all the love and appreciation i can muster because that is what they deserve.

crash

i read my horoscope today. i smiled. he read my horoscope. he pointed it out to me; "did you read it?". i smiled. cheers to mr cainer...

indian on chapel. the drinking on commercial. househunting on high. coffee in st kilda. then toast at greville st. toast for lunch on chapel. then toast for dinner in fitzroy. toast for breakfast again in collingwood. swedish meatballs in richmond and then fish for dinner in fitzroy.

tummy still sore from friday. i get sick when life gets tough.

watched crash last night. gripping in parts. close to tears in some, although that doesn't say much. i cried in open season. so between gripping the armrest and crying, i was running to the toilet. i have never felt so much discomfort since 2001. i much enjoyed watching the movie.

i miss her. i do feel a bit alone. but you know. i'm surrounded by people i love. i'll catch up with her soon. i promise.

ur good fun too.

away

i just got home.

weekend away. holiday from the norm. it was great. amazing food, great company and much needed rest.

for the first time since last weekend i felt really comfortable.

get me outta here

so. last night. alone in this house with the other two housemates. it was hell. i felt alone. i'm the only one left on this side of the city. i spent my time online but no one else was.

i went to safeway to get some food for myself. pasta salad and coleslaw. my usual cant-be-fucked solution for dinner. came home and fell asleep.

shit day at work. glad its over.

went to look at a few properties, a couple in tribeca and one in prahran. the tribeca ones reminded me why i didn't move there in the first place. way too small and cramped. two bedroom apartments are only really suited for one person. the place in prahran was beautiful. old victorian house. freshly painted with huge rooms. huge backyard and two car parks. the owner lives next door and maintains the house himself. colour scheme is a bit off, but i can live with that. only problem is, its three bedrooms and too expensive for two people to rent.

sigh. i need to move out. spending time at greville st this evening made me realise i need to be around friends. i need to be across the river...or at least closer to my friends. tribeca's location is great, but still a bit far.

home

i'm at home...and i want to be anywhere but here.

take me away.... now.

will you marry me?

so imma. sneaky little thing. she got back from overseas yesterday. didn't tell me. didn't ring. but i had a feeling she'd pull something like this. this morning felt a bit different which can be attributed to yesterday's drinking, but is more eery thinking it was because i felt imma's presence...

went for a gorgeous dinner at mecca bah at docklands. great bottle of wine and great food. it was so good to hear imma's voice again. i didn't want to say anything or interrupt her. i just sat there and listened. she was telling us about how her good friend loved hearing her stories and i realised how much i had missed it.

"oh my god you cannot believe...you'll fucking die..."

ahh its good to have her home.

we came home and hit the computer to look up houses and apartments. we fought over which rental accomodation site to use.

me: we should use domain.com because it looks better... look its got green and nice font, none of that red ugly shit on realestate.com. its like why i don't shop at safeway...too much green and red.
imma: no. we should use realestate.com. its better. you can't find shit on domain.com.

i then gave her the ring i bought for her in canada. the special one that was so unique i had to buy it...

will you marry me imma?
(and by marry i mean sign a lease agreement, move in with me, never have sex with me, but maybe let me see your naughty bits)