8/10

so my boss recently asked me to rate my job.

i told her i'd give it an 8/10.

she was gobsmacked. she was under the impression that i hated my job.

i convinced her that i didn't.

i forgot to tell her that im frustrated. seems like im sitting idle, just a button pusher, working the frontline while my colleagues get to pursue their careers. opportunities have come up, yet my boss will give those opportunities to everyone but me, even giving some people multiple roles and responsibilities. then theres me. nothing. makes me wonder how secure my contract is... train up the boys and girls who she wants to keep, and let me just fill in until my contract expires. great. go me.

ask me to rate my job again, i wouldn't give it an 8...

chaos

so i'm a day away from being homeless. in true andy style i find myself in a non-sensical situation. tmrw i'm going to crash palace. tmw is also the last day i have to move my crap out of my room. chaos is the first word that comes to mind.

i'm stressing because i don't know where to put my stuff. ive got way too much junk for a single gay man.

i wonder why i put myself through such hardship. its certainly not by choice, but i could have made things easier for myself. spending 2 weeks in a hotel in feb 2006 because i was absolutely homeless should have taught me a thing or two about homelessness and how not to do things, but yet again, i find myself searching the web for short term accomodation just in case. the only difference now is i can't afford it. i am grateful to my friends who have offered beds and love, but none of that lessens the feeling of displacement. and the sense of displacement is amplified by the fact my belongings are strewn across melbourne, with my kettle base in richmond, and the actual kettle in north melbourne, chongy in prahran and cook books hopefully (?) in north melbourne with the kettle. i was hoping to leave my skis in north fitzroy, but that didn't work out to plan.

so for the next two weeks i'll live out of suitcases, from door to door of friends houses offering them all the love and appreciation i can muster because that is what they deserve.

all's fair in love and war

i'm angry. angry at everyone for no particular reason. i just want to be angry. anger is the only emotion i can be sure of right now.

i don't know how i feel about him. i really don't. i'm glad hes around. i'm glad he wants to spend time with me. i don't know what he wants from me. i don't know what i want from him.

jealousy

you've made me ever so slightly jealous.

don't know why.

struggling

i really am struggling at the moment. i have trouble waking up in the morning, sleeping at night, getting to work, and gettng my work done.

when i close my eyes i feel like crying.

right now everything seems a bit too much for me.

friends are supportive. from those who i expected help, nothing. those who i knew would be there, are there (always have been). and those whose help is totally unexpected, god bless.

home

i'm at home...and i want to be anywhere but here.

take me away.... now.