torture...

so my left butt cheek is hurting, so is my back, legs and feet. why do i torture myself?

i do realise the absurdity of me cramming my feet into hard plastic boots, fastening the plastic shoes to flat planks and then hooning down a mountain at ridiculous speeds, only to have to pay copious amounts of money to get back up and then do it all over again. i think skiing is a stupid sport. but...i do love it so.

its cold. im wet. therefore i am cold. but...i still put myself through this torture. i cant wait to get home, get in the shower and wait for the pain to melt away with the hot water.

i woke up this morning to a beautiful day. it was snowing heavily, sun was hidden by clouds. dad and i decided to take a bus to the slopes as we didn't trust brunhilde to get us there in one piece. i skied pretty hard for the first few runs, but soon tired myself out. the snow is heavy and my back is still sore from the first day on the slopes. after a beer over lunch, i decided i'd take it easy. dad was keen for me to ski by myself because he was having trouble keeping up. i was keen. we seperated and i headed for the bottom of the mountain to sneak in a quick smoko. let me just say, marlboro cigarettes here taste funny and dunhills look funny. after sucking it all in, i headed back up on the mountain to toture my poor butt and back some more. at around 1:40pm at the top of the mountain, the sun came out. it was still snowing. magnificent.

whistler is such an emotional town for me. so many memories. i remember the first time i met santa was here; i was 7 and santa was my aunty's boyfriend at the time (i found out the other day he passed away last year from colon cancer). i was showered with gifts from aunties, uncles and santa. of course, none from my parents.

being here, not having any friends or relatives except my parents leaves me feeling rather bored at home. there is no tv, so i only have my mind, my book and my ipod to entertain me. theres only so much of each i can take. i find myself day dreaming constantly of love and what not. it doesn't help that the town is full of hot boys from all over the world. i dream that i'll find love here, or i dream of finding it at home and then i wonder of what i'd do. its pretty much setting myself up for disappointment.

i long to be home, amongst familiar faces, laughs and conversation. i want to be hugged. kissed.

the whole coming out thing. i don't know anymore. parents don't talk about it. i'm not sure if thats just them being them, or if it will come back and bite my arse later on. oh well, will have to wait and see.

i called my sister last night. i used up pretty much all of the credit i had bought that day. i spoke to her for ages, discussing my feelings towards my life at the moment. everything feels a bit too hard at the moment.

she said to me that i'm doing okay, and that my move to melbourne has been the making of me. i try so hard to believe her.