life lived, life wasted

i think i put my finger on it. there are two types of patients who i connect with better. the passionate patient who is determined to live (in the sense of experiencing life) and then the patient who is truly fighting.

one patient who comes to mind is a patient who, despite her terminal illness, continued to pursue what she loves - singing. her work, a victoria wide database of some sort was her pride and joy. it came to a holt with her diagnosis and instead, she focussed on her singing. to me, its beautiful; accepting her diagnosis and living life to the best of her ability. every now and then i get a patient who we treat curatively and have a real fighting chance and most probably have a disease-free future who really doesn't appreciate how lucky they really are. they treat their diagnosis as final, their treatment as a chore - not a battle, their life as practically over. i understand what they are going through, but the personal satisfaction i get from treating them is no where near as empowering; sure i'm helping them, but they don't have the drive which gives real validation to what i do.

i met a guy out at a club. he asked me what i did for work, i told him that i treat cancer. he said to me "oh yeah, i have a brain tumour". at that point, i felt like telling him "you are so amazing" (i think i did, i was so drunk). his prognosis is good. but he was amazing because he was out, enjoying himself with a champagne flute in one hand and a cigarette in the other. he was embracing life, not letting his disease stop him from really living life (i'm not saying smoking and drinking is required to live life - but he was enjoying himself). i have respect for him.

i think the reason i relate so well is because its something i want to do - live life with a passion. i want to explore the world, experience new things, further my career and become something bigger than i am at the moment.

i remember the blog entry i posted in response to dean's, and i said that his passion and drive made me want to always aim higher - and i'm getting there i think, ever so slowly with the help of the friends around me.