rough day...

I need to blog about work. Its getting kinda stressful, not in the sense that its getting too much for me, its just that its a bit frustrating. This is going to get technical. I get to work and open up a patient on the computer. I look at the tumour volume the doctor wants to treat. I laughed when I saw it - the kind of 'oh my fucking god, what do i do now?!' laugh. Later on in the day I was chatting to the doctor with the complexity of the volume and the required plan. My supervisor was there with me. I mentioned to her that this would be one of the last patients i'll plan before returning to the machines. The doctor asked if I was swapping with one of qualified staff and my supervisor told him I was swapping with the other intern. The doctor looked a bit surprised and said "so you are an intern?".

I have to have the plan ready by monday. So far so good. I'm halfway there I think. I just need to get the dose to the lens and optic chiasm down. Sigh. Its going to take hours infront of the computer.

Oh also found out i could have been related to the department head. She used to date my aunty's step son. Totally freaky.

Anyways. I met up with Dean and Brad for lunch. It was fun. I miss him already.

Trippin' on intensity...

4:35 PM. Just got home. I was upstairs sleeping all day, now my body clock is fucked. Too bad. Last night I was feeling a bit itchy to go out. So I did. Market it was. I hadn't been on the melbourne gay scene for a good month and a half, or even two. It was a good release, I needed to dance, to drink and get trashed.

I bumped into people I didn't expect would be there and even met a couple of new people. Eric? Michael? From Altona? or Atlanta? Too fucked to care. The music was perfect. Mary got me in the mood, then dannii, then it got harder and faster, then I don't know.

6:30 Am. Decided to leave. Walked to the train station to catch a train home. Soon realised that we'd have to wait for an hour and a half for the first train. Fuck that. Walked to chapel st to catch a cab. Stopped by the chinese supermarket on chapel and bought pears and an apple. I ate the apple. Just needed something in my mouth. I couldn't finish it.

Got to quans. Fell into bed. Slept.

4:20 PM. Got up.

hmmm

At work on friday, we were discussing my colleagues uni subjects. This ad came up in the conversation (shes studying health promotion).

Reminds me of the time I was telling people "I had to blow in his mouth to get him off".

Funny thing was, my colleague, innocent as she is, didn't see the crude dirty aspect of the slogan (not that it would have been crude back then). She was going "you'd get a slap for blowing smoke in someone's face these days". I kinda stopped laughing when she said that. Kinda felt like one of those moments where you are laughing at your own joke and no one else is laughing at all.

Well. I just got back from dinner with brad and dean. Lovely they are. I didn't say much over dinner. I don't know why. Too much talking in my head, not enough talking out loud. I think its that time of the year/month/lunar cycle (whatever) for me. I get all love-y and I feel like I've got so much love to give but no one to give it to. So, over dinner i was thinking about how i could put all this energy to use - knit a friend a scarfe? bake a cake for someone?. Then my mind started wandering. Like it is now. I need a dog or a boy. Or a child. I think a dog would be the smart option. Someone or something that would just take my love without feeling like they need to give anything back, except their love of course. I need to be loved too. But now I realise that this feeling will only last a few days. Then i'll be over it then there will be no need for a dog, boy or small child. I'll be happy just being me with lots of love to give to me.

brunhilde

So this is a video made by my brother in law. hes in toronto for a year with my sister. i think he has a bit too much time on his hands...

The house is the place they are staying at while in toronto I think. And the car... thats Brunhilde. Its my aunty's car. Whenever I'm in canada, its the car I drive. It is by far the most temperamental car I've driven. Her engine will just stall whenever it feels like, when approaching a hill you have to give her all the moral support you can muster (while watching the cyclists and pedestrians overtake you...), her headlights barely light up 2 metres infront of herself (great when its pitch black and snowing...) and you have to be violent with the brake pedal to get her to stop. I've had some good times in that car. Driving in a foreign country not knowing whether the vehicle will get you to your destination just adds to the fun.

i miss my sister and tony dearly..

"Imma's Birthday!!" (Part 3)

Just got home from Dean's. A really good weekend in: good company, dvds, good food, dancing, wine and pot. I cooked enough food on saturday night to have enough leftovers to feed 7 tonight, with of course a new soup and side dish. The second chicken was as good as the first chicken.

Everyone was so mellow today.

Back to Imma's party...

Sunday Day

We pretty much just sat in bed all day, falling in and out of short 4 minute naps. We were so so very scattered. We hadn't slept. Charlie kept us going, god bless, don't ya just love him? Paulina dropped by in the afternoon, she was a sight for sore eyes. She looked so radiant, I however, felt so drained. Looking at her made me feel more awake. We ended up talking about death and family. Such a pleasant topic to delve into when you are coming down from a big night out. I ended up in quiet tears. I didn't want to let the girls see me cry. I should have pulled out my fake glasses to hide the tears.

Paulina left. I was hoping she'd come back. I needed level-headed company, someone who could piece together a full sentence.

There was lots of "oh remember when this song came on last night..." and "oh remember when...". To be honest. I didn't. I was too fucked. I just nodded my head and agreed with Imma and Dean with "yeah it was hot". Its not that I was too fucked during the night to not remember everything, its just that I was so out of it on the sunday that I couldn't remember it at that point. A week later and its all coming back to me.

Sunday Night

Liam dropped by, and with him, was Charlie. More great times. We hung out for hours, and I still hadn't slept (38 or so hours awake I think - a personal best). I left at around 10:00 ish I think. I didn't get to sleep until midnight. I slept like a baby and woke up at 7. Off to work I went...

"Imma's Birthday!!" (Part 2)

Okay here I am. Home alone, infront of the tv watching that hot dogs guy and rob from big brother. A perfect time to blog about last weekend - anything to distract myself from rob's eyebrows.

Like I said before, I don't know where to start. I think I'll start at the beginning and make this a "and then I..." blog, cos I really can't be fucked making this sound good or intelligent.

Saturday Day
After dropping Dean at work I went home and then decided to catch up with Julian for lunch/breakfast. It was great. We chatted, discussed boys, one in particular. He had to run off to see a melbourne film festival film (I so want to see something this year...). I walked up little collins st to find some more items of clothing for the night. Things on my list were a shirt, belt and shoes - everything else I had organised. I dropped by and saw Dean, Stephanie and Luke. Ended up spending the afternoon running between AG and Calibre choosing items of clothing and wondering if they would work with my suit jacket and jeans. Freddy dropped by, god bless, its been so long since I've caught up with him properly. Went for lunch and then said our goodbyes. After a good 4 or 5 hours spent on little collins st I walked home - very broke. I bought my shoes, belt, shirt and a knit. I gathered my stuff and made my way to pick up dean. We chilled at dean's place for a bit, then Imma came over. She was stressed out the poor thing. Meanwhile I was stressing over dean's shirt drying in time and whether i'd look okay. After a few glasses of wine we left for the hotel room.

Saturday Night
On the way to the hotel we picked up dinner and then swung by paulina's house to pick her up. me being tipsy, and trying so hard to be calm but so not, we ended up taking a little tour of southbank - thank god we didn't end up in the yarra or 4wd-ing across the botanic gardens. Upon arriving at the hotel, we were greeted by Abdul the anglo concierge in training. Imma kept on asking me "andy, did he just steal that badge??". We ended up parking in the ballet centre and then walking (dean running...) to the hotel carrying 5 suit bags, a suit case, numerous AG carry bags and an iron - I felt like the hired help carrying all the suit bags, but I felt important like hired help for someone famous. When we got into the room, dean ran to the toilet, i wasn't sure if he was actually pissing or running a bath, the noises coming from the bathroom seriously went for long enough. Okay maybe that was too much information. Imma's sister's friends were there, I didn't bother getting to know them. I was stressing over who was going to shower first. It was beautiful. The scene that is. We all went off and did our own thing, eating, showering, ironing, getting ready, mirror-ing and then re-convening every 20 minutes for a smoke. Once everyone was ready, we looked at each other and said "hot". Okay maybe we didn't, but we were. The girls looked amazing. If i only I was a girl...

We got to eve and saw the huge line. We didn't bother lining up, we already had earlier that night. We just hung out in the carpark. We looked hot. I swear everyone in the line was looking at us. It felt like it. I felt a bit awkward around so many hot people who I didn't know. I ended up running between people I knew. Poor Imma, she was stressing out. Eve fucked her guestlist. Her friends, god bless them, took control and we all decided to go someplace better. Fucking eve. A small group of us ended up at onesixone. It was hot. I loved it. It was my first time. It was all a big blur to me. All I know is that I had an awesome time and made many trips to the bathroom. By the end of the night I had gotten to know some really great people. Imma is blessed with some lovely friends.

We left onesixone at 7:30. The group split up, and Gabriel, Liam and myself took Liam's friend back home. It was fun, kinda reminds me of a taxi ride home at mardi gras 2006.

Sunday Day
Scattered. I really had no idea what was going on. I remember drinking at 8:30am. It was a day full of laughs, tears, and some fucked-up remarks.

amazing huh??

I'm hot and sweaty. Not sure how much of it is to do with me being sick. Took a sickie today as I was feeling so crook yesterday. Ended up taking my car back from Dxxn but not having anywhere to put it, so here I am, at Dxxn's house. I just cleaned the backyard. Filled the already full bins plus 3 garbage bags with leaves and crap (I probably just destroyed an ecosystem...nut smeh). I got a splinter in the process - owie. I decided to take a break and check on the washing - realised I forgot to add detergent. Also decided to fix the door, I thought it would be difficult to find the appropriate door locks to replace the broken one. I took the lock off, took it apart and realised it was the simplest thing to fix. Fixed in 2 minutes.

I'm very glad I took today off. I feel so much better already, apart from the splinter and the emerging headache. I'll go take a break. Sleep it off.

Oh yeah, I was meant to blog about the weekend, but I don't know where to start! I'll start on an essay plan first....

"Imma's Birthday!!"...fucking eve...

Oh my fucking god. Amazing weekend. Amazing. Fucking amazing. Imma, I LOVE you. I'm absolutely trashed. Need sleep bad. Will blog later.

...

frustration

I walked home from work today. Well almost. I hopped on a tram between spring and swanston st, just cos my ticket was already validated and I felt like a waste to not use it. I had to walk off the frustration from work, and even then the long walk wasn't enough.

Ugh. My last patient, I was working with a colleague and a student. The patient had slight dementia. So anyways, his wife was there to accompany him. Neither my colleague or the student were directing any of their instructions or questions to the patient - everything was spoken to the patient's wife. Argh. I felt sorry for the patient, he isn't any less capable of listening. You can tell if he doesn't understand and then maybe you turn to the wife. But I honestly feel that any question or instruction should be directed at both of them; spoken to the patient with the wife there listening. When I asked the patient for his date of birth, my colleague says "don't ask him. he's got alzheimer's". Right. The patient still knows his own birthday.

The department is so understaffed. I had to cover lunches and tea breaks today on the machines. Its extra work I shouldn't be doing cos I'm not rostered there, but oh well, its nice treating patients who I have planned. So much for being supernumerary.

Anyways. Walking home seemed like everyone I passed was looking at me. A (gay)-sian guy stopped doing his dishes to watch me walk by his apartment. Other people looked at me as I passed them in the park. Weird.

I wish...

I had breakfast at Fed Square this morning. I was reading the optus message board, cute messages came up like I wish we could build a transporter to transport rubbish to another planet and I wish there was no such thing as rubbish. But my favourite was If you have a cargo ship don't go too fast when you are carrying cargo so it won't fall off and pollute the sea.

I've been blogging lots lately but never hitting the publish button. Even making comments on other people's blogs but never posting them. I feel like everything I say is irrational and pretty much full of crap. What happend to the calm collected chalks that I once knew? LOL

I crashed my car again. Just added another scratch to the collection. Its not too bad, the usual, I was reversing into the car lot and got a tad bit too close to the pylon. Wing mirror is just a little rough now. At least its not as bad as my dad, he totally removed his wing mirror by hitting a 4wd - right after he got it fixed too.

Picked up my suit. This morning I was almost regretting buying it, but then I tried it on and remembered why I liked it so much. Headed to nudie to find a pair of jeans. I bought a pair. yay. Now I have to live on bread and water until pay day, then its rent day, and that means more bread and water. I'm cool with that. As long as I look good. I'm on a shopping-high, shame it doesn't last. You really come down when the credit card statement arrives...

I also got my car fixed today. They washed it and sprayed something to make it shine. Now all the black plastic is extra shiny. Hot.

I'm quite proud of myself. Productive day. I walked everywhere; back from the car dealer, out to East Melbourne to drop some stuff off at old-work, back to the city, then back to the car dealer. At that point I gave up and drove everywhere else.

Ohh and my most favourite bit... I cooked coq au vin for Dxxn and Erxn. They loved it. It could have been better if I used tomato paste instead of tomato sauce. But oh well. I still enjoyed it. I should cook more often - it makes me happy.

silence

Spent the night in tonight. I think I've been craving it. A bit of me wanted to get out of the house, but I really could not be bothered. I cooked myself noodles, sat down and watched some TV. So here I am. Sitting on the couch, TV on, music playing yet I feel like everything is so quiet.

Maybe I do need to get out...

broke

I broke my car again. Because of my back I had my car seat right forward and my backrest upright. I seriously look like my grandpa. I tried moving my seat back, and *snap* goes the cable. Fuck. I am getting it fixed tomorrow. Hopefully.

My back is getting better. I didn't take my anti-inflammatories today and I was fine with a bit of deep heat. I hope it gets better by the weekend.

So. The psycho supervisor who I so couldn't handle while on treatment has moved to planning with me. It isn't so bad. We get along now. I think the environment in planning is less stressful so she is a bit more relaxed. As long as I get the work to her on time, which isn't hard, it should be okay. I've found a common interest between us - wine.

Watching Grey's Anatomy. I forgot how emotional I can get from watching TV.

Oh My God. This cheapens my blog...

Layonce Knowles feat. Gay ZZZZ - Deja Vu

This is for Dxxn. I'm almost too embarrassed to blog this...

Miss Swan

Thanks to eyesofascorpio for introducing me to Miss Swan. Cheers me up everytime...

Just got back from Dxxn's. In so much pain. So so much pain.

I shall name him George...

George. Its the name of my new obsession. My favourite posession at the moment. Its a cookbook. More like a recipe book. I bought it from Kikki.K. Its really a folder full of plastic pockets so I can cut and paste various recipes into it. I spent the afternoon at Dxxn's house pasting in one recipe. Still undecided as to whether rabbit should belong in poultry or meat. I've seen rabbit in poultry sections before, but to me rabbits don't have wings or lay eggs so I say meat! Now I need to hunt down some more recipes to fill the folder. Sigh. I'm turning into a housewife, I already have the 4WD, I just need the husband...

So yes. I bought a suit today. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. I love it to bits already. Its off getting altered. When I first saw it I didn't think much of it. But then I tried it on and OMG... It doesn't need much altering; just shortening the sleeves and taking in the waist a bit, not a lot, but to make it look ever so slightly more fitted. I'm going to wear it next weekend. Without the pants, jeans instead. Just need to find the jeans and the shoes. If only my parents could see. They would then understand why sometimes I spend so much on clothes. My mum would understand I think. She would always tell me as a kid how appearances matter and how I would never find a wife if I dressed like a bum. Well mother, even when I dress well, I still can't find a wife.

I am insanely pleased with myself for finding the suit and George.

sigh

Everyone promises me that with time, the hurt will go away but it hasn't. If anything, I'm hurting more now than I was before. But I guess I have only myself to blame for that. I emotionally and psychologically opened myself up to the possibility that perhaps we could make things work but that all did was to reinforce that you are and always will be a self absorbed, shallow, attention seeking cunt. If you could only step out of that self absorbed world of yours for just a while, you might per chance realise how much I sacrificied for you, how much of myself I gave to you, how hard I tried to make us work, how much I truly loved you. Maybe it wouldn't matter anyway because I can see now that it was never meant to be. A chapter closed and all that jazz. I deserve to be happy. Maybe someday I will be. Maybe someday I'll see that I am a better person for having gone through the hell you've put me through. Maybe someday I'll stop regretting even knowing you, much less allowing myself to fall in love with you. Maybe someday I'll find it in me to forgive you. But till then, fuck you very much.

My ex wrote that blog. Funny thing is, I could post that blog entry myself and it would mean the exactly how I feel/felt/whatever. I'm scattered. I shouldn't be posting anything.

I'm down. I need company. But I don't. My back hurts, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm everything I don't want to be at the moment. I need a hug. I called my dad this evening and started talking about work. When will I learn that I shouldn't mention work to my parents? I have to play it down. Tell them what I do is easy, that I don't stress over it, that I do nothing. If I tell them work is tough, or that I'm held up by doctors or that I come home tired, they say "well if you were a doctor you wouldn't have to do all the hard work, and you get paid more too". Fuck. I hate this. I'm close to crying.

Today was tough. It didn't help that I was so scattered. I let a whole bunch of little, obvious things go unnoticed which meant that when they did get noticed (and thank god they did) I had to fix them. Which really isn't so bad, considering I have only been in planning for essentially a week and a bit, and I wasn't the only person at fault. It was a collective effort really. Then I had to go back to work on the treatment machines for an hour to cover lunches because we were so understaffed. I took a short morning tea break, short lunch, no afternoon tea and worked overtime. No wonder I'm tired. Its been go go go since 8am.

so where are my...?

okay. so here I am searching the house for my cufflinks, I cannot find. I give up. I decide to iron shirt instead. I pull out my shirt and omg. My cufflinks! I had washed the shirt with the cufflinks attached. Oops...

Love that shirt. Its my favourite at the moment.

scatter scatter...

Long day. Insanely scattered though. I only realised this evening when I could not finish a single sentence I said to Dxxn. "Oh lets... umm yeah... don't worry", "You know what happened today? yeah.... thats right", "Oh I yeah....". It got progressively worse towards the end of the night. I just gave up.

Picked up food from Laksa King, brought it home (Dxxn's home) and ate. After dinner I just sat in Dxxn's room while he did his own stuff. Felt comfortable, apart from the fact I couldn't communicate. We went to pick up Cxrmxl and Txm from the airport. Felt really good to have Cxrmxl back in Melbourne. I missed her loud personality. I don't even know her that well. Weird.

Got back home, started filling out my census form and then headed upstairs to see Quxn and Xxron. I lay on his bed while they chatted and read blogs. Wonder how Jxlixn knows about Txm and Chxrlxe. Weird how news gets spread around. I wonder what people say about me....

I'm glad today is coming to an end. Maybe tomorrow I'll have my head in one piece. Wish me luck.

rock-on

Fuck. Heard the funniest thing today. One of our students was telling us how he picks up, the rules, the plan of attack; god it was funny. I thought it - he - was the biggest joke. He approaches girls within 3 minutes of seeing them, only if they are not alone, and at an angle of 45 degrees. He learnt this from some video. 45 degrees!! He probably has a compass in his pocket when hes out. Oh well. Must work for him, hes got 2 dates this weekend, or so he claims. There are probably good reasons for those tactics but I'm laughing more at the way he was telling the girls at work.

Today was productive. Helped the student make two lead shielding blocks. Stuffed one up and had to re-do it. When I got around to doing it again, the melting pot had clogged up and I couldn't pour any more blocks. I told my boss, she called the hospital engineers and got one of them to come up. He tried sticking pens and screw drivers through the tap hole. My boss looked at me with the biggest oh-my-fucking-god-he-is-so-stupid face. She warns him that if he burns himself with molten alloy its his fault. So we quickly hurry him out of the department and my colleague has the smartest idea. I pull out the heat gun and heat up the tap, turn the tap and eventually molten alloy starts pouring out. Yay. Aren't I just brilliant? Well not really seeing as it wasn't my idea, but still, I was the one who fixed it.

One of the doctors was late in doing his work, which meant I couldn't start any work on it today. The patient was planned to start treatment on Thursday. The original plan was to get the dosimetry done today and then sup-checked and doctor approved by the afternoon. When we realised we couldn't get it done in time we told the doctor; his idea was for him to mark out the tumour volume and then we plan it while he reads a book. We told him it would be too rushed so we off-booked the patient until Monday. So yeah. He marks the volume, and I start planning, he goes home. Forty-five minutes later I finish the dosimetry... we so could have started the patient tomorrow. Damn I rock.

I can't...

So today was my first day back at work after my first annual leave. It felt good to get back into the swing of things. I was greeted with many smiling faces and "we missed you" - sweet aren't they? The morning was weird. Everyone was in hysterics, we were laughing at almost anything. Good times.

Sitting at the computer doing some work I find out that one of the doctors was wondering where I was. He forgot my name and was trying to describe me to one of my colleagues. Apparently he was saying "the asian boy, you know, the one with style, and the nice shoes". I just love it. The one doctor who does have style comments on MY style.

Like I said, its great being back at work. Watching Dxxn this evening mount invites and carefully crop the board down to size reminded me how much I enjoy planning. The perfectionist in me comes out. Everything has to be perfect - the perfect dosimetry, the perfect treatment sheet - fuck, I even preemptively reinforce the holepunch holes. Every photo and picture has to be glued down, then taped over (making sure the tape is square) so there is no chance of the picture ever falling off. I'm such a geek.

I read my ex's blog today. I'm not sure if hes okay. I still care, but I don't think I can be there for him. I'm still hurting from our relationship. Last time I saw him in a state of emotional turmoil, I broke down. It was a time when I thought things were all fine and dandy. Then everything started to crumble. I was worried. I was obsessive again. Is he okay? Will he be okay? Am I okay? What should I do? I moved on when things seemed better - key word - seemed. I don't think things ever got better for him, I just chose to ignore it. Which is what I should do now. Dxxn's words: "If he comes running to you for help, don't get too involved, I don't want you getting hurt". There are so many reasons why I want to help him though - more of them more self-gratifying than out of kindness. Most of all I want to show him I'm strong - stronger than I was, than he is. I want to redeem the dignity I lost in that relationship. I'm not some kid. And I certainly don't like the fact he is disappointed in me for my party habits and the friends I keep. I want his respect. But why?

There's no point. You are right. He'll be fine, with or without me. I'm better off leaving it well alone.

"I had to..."

Me and my mouth. If its not "omg! whats with all the white people?!" or "omg that dog is licking that dogs pussy", its "I had to blow into his mouth to get him off". For the past week I've been saying that and I had no idea how dirty it sounded until today when Dxxn pointed it out to me. Trust Dxxn to spot something so dirty...

Today has been great. Lovely end to my annual leave.