Oddspot Monday 11 Dec
"Christer Fuglesang, who is set to become the first Swede in space, plans to take a frisbee with him on the space shuttle Discovery's next mission. The 49-year-old, once a national frisbee champion, hopes to set a record for maximum air time. "
Friday, December 29, 2006
tired.
new years is fast approaching and i am finding myself tired. tired of the shit, the drama, the work, and even to some extent the friends.
i want to let go. move on. do my own thing for a bit. canada will be good.
i love my friends dearly, but somehow i find myself caught in awkward positions in disputes. i often wonder why it seems i get caught in the middle. i do nothing wrong, yet i am confronted with yelling, crying and frustration.
it shits me that i am faced with this feeling.
i want it all to end... if only it were that simple.
i miss my old friends - the ones who didn't care if i lived or died.
i want to let go. move on. do my own thing for a bit. canada will be good.
i love my friends dearly, but somehow i find myself caught in awkward positions in disputes. i often wonder why it seems i get caught in the middle. i do nothing wrong, yet i am confronted with yelling, crying and frustration.
it shits me that i am faced with this feeling.
i want it all to end... if only it were that simple.
i miss my old friends - the ones who didn't care if i lived or died.
steamin' steamboat
what a wonderful evening. we all sat around the table like a little asian family, a pot of homemade stock boiling away in the middle. it was rather sweet. tonnes of laughs.
jeremy taught me how to pot a plant. very useful as i have to pot all my herbs and plants. i just need to get pots.
the next door neighbours had a little mini-rave in the courtyard. their music clashed with scotty's. standing in the doorway, i had a sudden urge to dance, but i didn't know what to do.
imma rang. congratulated me on my recent blog. commented on how i was "verbally retarded". i laughed, and she quickly corrected - "blog retarded". laughed even harder.
we all decided to go to qna. arrived, found it was closed - damn. moved onto peel. oh dear god. was just as trashy as i remembered. spotted a few hotties. jared was offered thai take-away. refused straight away and urged us to leave. after daniel and jeremy finished dancing, we moved on. drove back to prahran and ended up at candy for a whole 2 minutes while jared used the little boys room.
oh while at peel, i ran into some old friends. danny. a boy i met about this time last year. or maybe it was early this year. anyways, was good to catch up with him. damn hes good looking. i should party with him a bit more.
such a great night. so simple.
http://blogs.theage.com.au/entertainment/archives/2006/12/last_laugh_live.html
jeremy taught me how to pot a plant. very useful as i have to pot all my herbs and plants. i just need to get pots.
the next door neighbours had a little mini-rave in the courtyard. their music clashed with scotty's. standing in the doorway, i had a sudden urge to dance, but i didn't know what to do.
imma rang. congratulated me on my recent blog. commented on how i was "verbally retarded". i laughed, and she quickly corrected - "blog retarded". laughed even harder.
we all decided to go to qna. arrived, found it was closed - damn. moved onto peel. oh dear god. was just as trashy as i remembered. spotted a few hotties. jared was offered thai take-away. refused straight away and urged us to leave. after daniel and jeremy finished dancing, we moved on. drove back to prahran and ended up at candy for a whole 2 minutes while jared used the little boys room.
oh while at peel, i ran into some old friends. danny. a boy i met about this time last year. or maybe it was early this year. anyways, was good to catch up with him. damn hes good looking. i should party with him a bit more.
such a great night. so simple.
http://blogs.theage.com.au/entertainment/archives/2006/12/last_laugh_live.html
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
anger anonymous...
so. anger. its an emotion which puzzles me so much. i hate being angry, but theres something so very addictive about it. imma told me the other day that i like to stay angry. its true, when someone upsets me, i almost don't want to forgive the person, and i'll even find faults where they don't exist, or even exacerbate the situation with far-from-subtle ignoring.
i hate it. its so self-destructive. i don't gain anything, just the torment of watching all those close to me turn their backs on me.
the whole anger addiction thing i think stems from my dread of being emotionless. there is nothing worse for me than to feel nothing. i need constant stimulation, be it, love, happiness, sadness or whatever. maybe i'm making up for years of having to hide my emotions around my parents. as a kid, whenever i was happy, i'd talk; my parents would tell me to be quiet. when i was sad, i'd cry; my grandma would tell me i look ugly when i cry. i had no outlet for my emotions. i didn't have my music, a blog, or any creative medium.
i'm angry now. but i want it to change. not just for my own sake, but for my friends'.
i hate it. its so self-destructive. i don't gain anything, just the torment of watching all those close to me turn their backs on me.
the whole anger addiction thing i think stems from my dread of being emotionless. there is nothing worse for me than to feel nothing. i need constant stimulation, be it, love, happiness, sadness or whatever. maybe i'm making up for years of having to hide my emotions around my parents. as a kid, whenever i was happy, i'd talk; my parents would tell me to be quiet. when i was sad, i'd cry; my grandma would tell me i look ugly when i cry. i had no outlet for my emotions. i didn't have my music, a blog, or any creative medium.
i'm angry now. but i want it to change. not just for my own sake, but for my friends'.
season's greetings.
this christmas has been special.
christmas day was spent with dean's family, and christmas dinner was spent with imma's family.
it was beautiful. bless their hearts.
christmas day was spent with dean's family, and christmas dinner was spent with imma's family.
it was beautiful. bless their hearts.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Thursday, December 21, 2006
somedays...
...i look in the mirror and think "woah i have a big head"
...i think to myself "i have a lot of love to give"
...i walk into walls and wonder at the end of the day why my arm is sore
most days...i just think i have a big head.
...i think to myself "i have a lot of love to give"
...i walk into walls and wonder at the end of the day why my arm is sore
most days...i just think i have a big head.
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
Saturday, December 16, 2006
work work work...
i find myself blogging a lot about work. it is most definitely the primary source of stress in my life. futher to that, it is a part of my life which brings me much satisfaction most of the time. so it comes as no surprise it is something i find blog worthy.
today was my last day before annual leave, and being so close to christmas, our department has organised that all staff members get one half-day off in order to get their christmas shopping under control. its all very hush-hush, but it seems like the whole organisation does it.
anyways, this morning i find myself alone in my area as my charge had taken the morning off, and the other two staff members were coming in at 9:00. so that left me, the most junior person in the department, become the most senior person in the immediate area. i should get a business card saying:
Andrew Lim, Acting Charge Radiation Therapist
the previous afternoon, my charge warned me of the situation. i asked her if she was comfortable with me holding the fort, and she said "you'll be fine!"
so normally, theres at least two early shift staff members. i was there doing the job of two, including the administrative duties usually delegated to the charges. university did not prepare me for this.
the first phone call i took was from a patient, who was worried that her postponement of her start date would compromise the effectiveness of treatment. i reassured her that her doctor was aware of the situation and did not have any concerns. i told her that i'd get the doctor to call her when he arrived. one problem solved.
at 9:00 the other two staff members arrived. having not much work to do between the 3 of us, we just did our own things and got stuff organised. these two staff members are not much more qualified than me, only being in the job 1 year more than myself. one, i enjoy working with, the other, i have no faith in. he does his work well, but isn't a leader.
the doctor arrived, i find myself taking control again. i explain to him the situation with the phone call earlier in the morning. i give him everything he needs to make the phone call and he does so. he then goes upstairs to see a few patients. half an hour later, i'm in the computer room doing my own work, and my colleague comes in saying the doctor is on the phone asking for me. i drop what i am doing assuming its regarding the other patient. turns out, he just wanted me to take a prescription. now, taking a prescription is usually left for the charge or at least someone more superior than the intern. at this point i'm freaking out. i was trying so hard to multitask; writing down phone numbers, names, booking CT dates and start dates on the computer while on the phone with the doctor. why he asked me to do it, i don't know...
its weird. i have really cruisy days at work where everything just flows. other days, like today, i get a big arse spanner thrown into the works and i have to pull on resources i never thought i had.
i really needed that off my chest...
today was my last day before annual leave, and being so close to christmas, our department has organised that all staff members get one half-day off in order to get their christmas shopping under control. its all very hush-hush, but it seems like the whole organisation does it.
anyways, this morning i find myself alone in my area as my charge had taken the morning off, and the other two staff members were coming in at 9:00. so that left me, the most junior person in the department, become the most senior person in the immediate area. i should get a business card saying:
Andrew Lim, Acting Charge Radiation Therapist
the previous afternoon, my charge warned me of the situation. i asked her if she was comfortable with me holding the fort, and she said "you'll be fine!"
so normally, theres at least two early shift staff members. i was there doing the job of two, including the administrative duties usually delegated to the charges. university did not prepare me for this.
the first phone call i took was from a patient, who was worried that her postponement of her start date would compromise the effectiveness of treatment. i reassured her that her doctor was aware of the situation and did not have any concerns. i told her that i'd get the doctor to call her when he arrived. one problem solved.
at 9:00 the other two staff members arrived. having not much work to do between the 3 of us, we just did our own things and got stuff organised. these two staff members are not much more qualified than me, only being in the job 1 year more than myself. one, i enjoy working with, the other, i have no faith in. he does his work well, but isn't a leader.
the doctor arrived, i find myself taking control again. i explain to him the situation with the phone call earlier in the morning. i give him everything he needs to make the phone call and he does so. he then goes upstairs to see a few patients. half an hour later, i'm in the computer room doing my own work, and my colleague comes in saying the doctor is on the phone asking for me. i drop what i am doing assuming its regarding the other patient. turns out, he just wanted me to take a prescription. now, taking a prescription is usually left for the charge or at least someone more superior than the intern. at this point i'm freaking out. i was trying so hard to multitask; writing down phone numbers, names, booking CT dates and start dates on the computer while on the phone with the doctor. why he asked me to do it, i don't know...
its weird. i have really cruisy days at work where everything just flows. other days, like today, i get a big arse spanner thrown into the works and i have to pull on resources i never thought i had.
i really needed that off my chest...
Thursday, December 14, 2006
emotionally clogged...
i had the biggest scare today. i felt violated. my blog is something personal. although i don't do it often, it is still my medium in which i (when i can) express my most personal thoughts and emotions. the reason for this new blog was to run away from the past and hide a part of my life from someone who was once very much a part of it. this evening i open my email to find that a comment had been left, signed off by 'timw'. after much thinking, and much worrying, i figure out it was another tim.
post-heart-attack, i reflect on what my blog has become. it was started to express my inner-most feelings much like a personal diary but sadly my blog entries are not an expression of my emotions. my emotions are a mystery to me, so there is no chance of me blog-vomiting it all out for all to see. i wonder why i am so disconnected with myself. as the new year fast approaches, i wonder why it feels like i am taking a step backwards. there was a time this year i thought i was connected with my own emotions; that i knew what i was feeling and i felt strong because of it. now i feel weak and lost.
talking online with my dearest friend now. we are discussing our party habits, and thinking about the mischief we get up to when we are out, there is always the coming down after great weekend out. this year; so much has happened, good and bad, and i wonder if my misunderstanding of myself is purely me coming down from what has been an amazing year.
i wonder too much.
post-heart-attack, i reflect on what my blog has become. it was started to express my inner-most feelings much like a personal diary but sadly my blog entries are not an expression of my emotions. my emotions are a mystery to me, so there is no chance of me blog-vomiting it all out for all to see. i wonder why i am so disconnected with myself. as the new year fast approaches, i wonder why it feels like i am taking a step backwards. there was a time this year i thought i was connected with my own emotions; that i knew what i was feeling and i felt strong because of it. now i feel weak and lost.
talking online with my dearest friend now. we are discussing our party habits, and thinking about the mischief we get up to when we are out, there is always the coming down after great weekend out. this year; so much has happened, good and bad, and i wonder if my misunderstanding of myself is purely me coming down from what has been an amazing year.
i wonder too much.
life lived, life wasted part II
so. Remember that patient. She was amazing. Her passion for life amazed me. She was the one who told our nurses "that boy, is lovely" referring to me on her last day of treatment. I ran into her today while having tea in the cafeteria.
Its so rare that we discover the outcomes of our work. Usually we don't ever see the patient ever again, unless of course the disease progresses and they return for palliative treatment. I sometimes look up histories in the patient browser to see who has moved on with their lives, and who has passed on to something better.
This patient, really touched me. When people ask me what i do, and how i feel about it, i always refer to her. Our intent was palliation, and we succeeded in that. She told us she can drive again, walking better albeit with a little fall which set her rehab back a little bit, her pain is less, and she is getting on with what is left. Our work paid off, we fulfilled her wishes.
I wonder if she misses us...
Interesting topic we studied at uni - patients' dependance on the hospital setting. Our patients would spend up to 6 weeks visiting our department for their daily treatment. Over those 6 weeks they form bonds with staff and other patients. At the end of the 6 weeks, they no longer need to visit, they lose their friends, their support network, and worse, their active fight against their disease. I think we should hold post-treatment support groups, where patients can socialise outside of the hospital setting with people who have fought the same battles as they have. I know there are support groups like this out there, but whether they are fully utilised, I don't know. Perhaps I should bring this up at the next patient care meeting...
Its so rare that we discover the outcomes of our work. Usually we don't ever see the patient ever again, unless of course the disease progresses and they return for palliative treatment. I sometimes look up histories in the patient browser to see who has moved on with their lives, and who has passed on to something better.
This patient, really touched me. When people ask me what i do, and how i feel about it, i always refer to her. Our intent was palliation, and we succeeded in that. She told us she can drive again, walking better albeit with a little fall which set her rehab back a little bit, her pain is less, and she is getting on with what is left. Our work paid off, we fulfilled her wishes.
I wonder if she misses us...
Interesting topic we studied at uni - patients' dependance on the hospital setting. Our patients would spend up to 6 weeks visiting our department for their daily treatment. Over those 6 weeks they form bonds with staff and other patients. At the end of the 6 weeks, they no longer need to visit, they lose their friends, their support network, and worse, their active fight against their disease. I think we should hold post-treatment support groups, where patients can socialise outside of the hospital setting with people who have fought the same battles as they have. I know there are support groups like this out there, but whether they are fully utilised, I don't know. Perhaps I should bring this up at the next patient care meeting...
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
little red wagon
early this year, an intervention was held for me. it didn't quite go to plan (its actually kinda funny), but at the time i accepted it and adjusted my attitudes. but i didn't understand.
i fell off the wagon.
a little bit grazed and bruised, but i am still good.
the past week is a blur to me, but as it slowly comes back to me i reflect on the conversations i had with my friends and look back at the way i was behaving and i realise exactly what i was doing.
i never realised i was so self-destructive.
now i think i understand.
i fell off the wagon.
a little bit grazed and bruised, but i am still good.
the past week is a blur to me, but as it slowly comes back to me i reflect on the conversations i had with my friends and look back at the way i was behaving and i realise exactly what i was doing.
i never realised i was so self-destructive.
now i think i understand.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
happiness...
when i no longer have any happiness left for myself, i turn to my friends and live off their happiness. lets hope they are happy...
Sunday, December 03, 2006
maybe...
maybe it is time. it won't take much. i'm ready for it. all i need is a reason to leave...
fuck. the revelation came sooner than expected...
fuck. the revelation came sooner than expected...
Saturday, December 02, 2006
i feel like crying. its been a while. its like a dam. i don't want to cry. i have no reason to cry. i don't know why i want to cry. i think i've forgotten how to cry. lets see how many times i can put 'to cry' into a sentence...
end of year is fast approaching. in about 6 weeks time i'll be a fully qualified radiation therapist. i'll have my own responsibilities. I do have my own responsibilities now, but it means there will no longer be someone to check over my work. well there will, but there will only be 2 people checking over my work instead of 3.
i fucked up imma's dress. i feel bad. and i'm too weak to go back to the dry cleaners and demand something to be done about it. i know if i confront them they will just go "too bad...not our problem", and i'll give them a little frowny face and go "oh...are you sure?". i almost feel ashamed that i can stand up for my own friend. when will i be able to fight for myself? even when i get upset with friends, i don't do anything about it, and then of course nothing gets changed. i continue to get upset, and then it eats away at me, until i no longer have a friend. i'm starting to hate myself because of it.
fuck i'm late.
end of year is fast approaching. in about 6 weeks time i'll be a fully qualified radiation therapist. i'll have my own responsibilities. I do have my own responsibilities now, but it means there will no longer be someone to check over my work. well there will, but there will only be 2 people checking over my work instead of 3.
i fucked up imma's dress. i feel bad. and i'm too weak to go back to the dry cleaners and demand something to be done about it. i know if i confront them they will just go "too bad...not our problem", and i'll give them a little frowny face and go "oh...are you sure?". i almost feel ashamed that i can stand up for my own friend. when will i be able to fight for myself? even when i get upset with friends, i don't do anything about it, and then of course nothing gets changed. i continue to get upset, and then it eats away at me, until i no longer have a friend. i'm starting to hate myself because of it.
fuck i'm late.
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