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Oddspot Monday 11 Dec

"Christer Fuglesang, who is set to become the first Swede in space, plans to take a frisbee with him on the space shuttle Discovery's next mission. The 49-year-old, once a national frisbee champion, hopes to set a record for maximum air time. "

tired.

new years is fast approaching and i am finding myself tired. tired of the shit, the drama, the work, and even to some extent the friends.

i want to let go. move on. do my own thing for a bit. canada will be good.

i love my friends dearly, but somehow i find myself caught in awkward positions in disputes. i often wonder why it seems i get caught in the middle. i do nothing wrong, yet i am confronted with yelling, crying and frustration.

it shits me that i am faced with this feeling.

i want it all to end... if only it were that simple.

i miss my old friends - the ones who didn't care if i lived or died.

steamin' steamboat

what a wonderful evening. we all sat around the table like a little asian family, a pot of homemade stock boiling away in the middle. it was rather sweet. tonnes of laughs.

jeremy taught me how to pot a plant. very useful as i have to pot all my herbs and plants. i just need to get pots.

the next door neighbours had a little mini-rave in the courtyard. their music clashed with scotty's. standing in the doorway, i had a sudden urge to dance, but i didn't know what to do.

imma rang. congratulated me on my recent blog. commented on how i was "verbally retarded". i laughed, and she quickly corrected - "blog retarded". laughed even harder.

we all decided to go to qna. arrived, found it was closed - damn. moved onto peel. oh dear god. was just as trashy as i remembered. spotted a few hotties. jared was offered thai take-away. refused straight away and urged us to leave. after daniel and jeremy finished dancing, we moved on. drove back to prahran and ended up at candy for a whole 2 minutes while jared used the little boys room.

oh while at peel, i ran into some old friends. danny. a boy i met about this time last year. or maybe it was early this year. anyways, was good to catch up with him. damn hes good looking. i should party with him a bit more.

such a great night. so simple.

http://blogs.theage.com.au/entertainment/archives/2006/12/last_laugh_live.html

anger anonymous...

so. anger. its an emotion which puzzles me so much. i hate being angry, but theres something so very addictive about it. imma told me the other day that i like to stay angry. its true, when someone upsets me, i almost don't want to forgive the person, and i'll even find faults where they don't exist, or even exacerbate the situation with far-from-subtle ignoring.

i hate it. its so self-destructive. i don't gain anything, just the torment of watching all those close to me turn their backs on me.

the whole anger addiction thing i think stems from my dread of being emotionless. there is nothing worse for me than to feel nothing. i need constant stimulation, be it, love, happiness, sadness or whatever. maybe i'm making up for years of having to hide my emotions around my parents. as a kid, whenever i was happy, i'd talk; my parents would tell me to be quiet. when i was sad, i'd cry; my grandma would tell me i look ugly when i cry. i had no outlet for my emotions. i didn't have my music, a blog, or any creative medium.

i'm angry now. but i want it to change. not just for my own sake, but for my friends'.

season's greetings.

this christmas has been special.

christmas day was spent with dean's family, and christmas dinner was spent with imma's family.

it was beautiful. bless their hearts.

anger management...

you know when you get angry. so angry you feel sick. thats me right now.

somedays...

...i look in the mirror and think "woah i have a big head"

...i think to myself "i have a lot of love to give"

...i walk into walls and wonder at the end of the day why my arm is sore

most days...i just think i have a big head.

nothing...

right now. i feel like i've accomplished nothing this year.

work work work...

i find myself blogging a lot about work. it is most definitely the primary source of stress in my life. futher to that, it is a part of my life which brings me much satisfaction most of the time. so it comes as no surprise it is something i find blog worthy.

today was my last day before annual leave, and being so close to christmas, our department has organised that all staff members get one half-day off in order to get their christmas shopping under control. its all very hush-hush, but it seems like the whole organisation does it.

anyways, this morning i find myself alone in my area as my charge had taken the morning off, and the other two staff members were coming in at 9:00. so that left me, the most junior person in the department, become the most senior person in the immediate area. i should get a business card saying:

Andrew Lim, Acting Charge Radiation Therapist

the previous afternoon, my charge warned me of the situation. i asked her if she was comfortable with me holding the fort, and she said "you'll be fine!"

so normally, theres at least two early shift staff members. i was there doing the job of two, including the administrative duties usually delegated to the charges. university did not prepare me for this.

the first phone call i took was from a patient, who was worried that her postponement of her start date would compromise the effectiveness of treatment. i reassured her that her doctor was aware of the situation and did not have any concerns. i told her that i'd get the doctor to call her when he arrived. one problem solved.

at 9:00 the other two staff members arrived. having not much work to do between the 3 of us, we just did our own things and got stuff organised. these two staff members are not much more qualified than me, only being in the job 1 year more than myself. one, i enjoy working with, the other, i have no faith in. he does his work well, but isn't a leader.

the doctor arrived, i find myself taking control again. i explain to him the situation with the phone call earlier in the morning. i give him everything he needs to make the phone call and he does so. he then goes upstairs to see a few patients. half an hour later, i'm in the computer room doing my own work, and my colleague comes in saying the doctor is on the phone asking for me. i drop what i am doing assuming its regarding the other patient. turns out, he just wanted me to take a prescription. now, taking a prescription is usually left for the charge or at least someone more superior than the intern. at this point i'm freaking out. i was trying so hard to multitask; writing down phone numbers, names, booking CT dates and start dates on the computer while on the phone with the doctor. why he asked me to do it, i don't know...

its weird. i have really cruisy days at work where everything just flows. other days, like today, i get a big arse spanner thrown into the works and i have to pull on resources i never thought i had.

i really needed that off my chest...

emotionally clogged...

i had the biggest scare today. i felt violated. my blog is something personal. although i don't do it often, it is still my medium in which i (when i can) express my most personal thoughts and emotions. the reason for this new blog was to run away from the past and hide a part of my life from someone who was once very much a part of it. this evening i open my email to find that a comment had been left, signed off by 'timw'. after much thinking, and much worrying, i figure out it was another tim.

post-heart-attack, i reflect on what my blog has become. it was started to express my inner-most feelings much like a personal diary but sadly my blog entries are not an expression of my emotions. my emotions are a mystery to me, so there is no chance of me blog-vomiting it all out for all to see. i wonder why i am so disconnected with myself. as the new year fast approaches, i wonder why it feels like i am taking a step backwards. there was a time this year i thought i was connected with my own emotions; that i knew what i was feeling and i felt strong because of it. now i feel weak and lost.

talking online with my dearest friend now. we are discussing our party habits, and thinking about the mischief we get up to when we are out, there is always the coming down after great weekend out. this year; so much has happened, good and bad, and i wonder if my misunderstanding of myself is purely me coming down from what has been an amazing year.

i wonder too much.

life lived, life wasted part II

so. Remember that patient. She was amazing. Her passion for life amazed me. She was the one who told our nurses "that boy, is lovely" referring to me on her last day of treatment. I ran into her today while having tea in the cafeteria.

Its so rare that we discover the outcomes of our work. Usually we don't ever see the patient ever again, unless of course the disease progresses and they return for palliative treatment. I sometimes look up histories in the patient browser to see who has moved on with their lives, and who has passed on to something better.

This patient, really touched me. When people ask me what i do, and how i feel about it, i always refer to her. Our intent was palliation, and we succeeded in that. She told us she can drive again, walking better albeit with a little fall which set her rehab back a little bit, her pain is less, and she is getting on with what is left. Our work paid off, we fulfilled her wishes.

I wonder if she misses us...

Interesting topic we studied at uni - patients' dependance on the hospital setting. Our patients would spend up to 6 weeks visiting our department for their daily treatment. Over those 6 weeks they form bonds with staff and other patients. At the end of the 6 weeks, they no longer need to visit, they lose their friends, their support network, and worse, their active fight against their disease. I think we should hold post-treatment support groups, where patients can socialise outside of the hospital setting with people who have fought the same battles as they have. I know there are support groups like this out there, but whether they are fully utilised, I don't know. Perhaps I should bring this up at the next patient care meeting...

little red wagon

early this year, an intervention was held for me. it didn't quite go to plan (its actually kinda funny), but at the time i accepted it and adjusted my attitudes. but i didn't understand.

i fell off the wagon.

a little bit grazed and bruised, but i am still good.

the past week is a blur to me, but as it slowly comes back to me i reflect on the conversations i had with my friends and look back at the way i was behaving and i realise exactly what i was doing.

i never realised i was so self-destructive.

now i think i understand.

happiness...

when i no longer have any happiness left for myself, i turn to my friends and live off their happiness. lets hope they are happy...

maybe...

maybe it is time. it won't take much. i'm ready for it. all i need is a reason to leave...

fuck. the revelation came sooner than expected...

i feel like crying. its been a while. its like a dam. i don't want to cry. i have no reason to cry. i don't know why i want to cry. i think i've forgotten how to cry. lets see how many times i can put 'to cry' into a sentence...

end of year is fast approaching. in about 6 weeks time i'll be a fully qualified radiation therapist. i'll have my own responsibilities. I do have my own responsibilities now, but it means there will no longer be someone to check over my work. well there will, but there will only be 2 people checking over my work instead of 3.

i fucked up imma's dress. i feel bad. and i'm too weak to go back to the dry cleaners and demand something to be done about it. i know if i confront them they will just go "too bad...not our problem", and i'll give them a little frowny face and go "oh...are you sure?". i almost feel ashamed that i can stand up for my own friend. when will i be able to fight for myself? even when i get upset with friends, i don't do anything about it, and then of course nothing gets changed. i continue to get upset, and then it eats away at me, until i no longer have a friend. i'm starting to hate myself because of it.

fuck i'm late.

the recipe for a perfect boyfriend

1 cup imma
250 g peta
500 ml liam
a dash of dean

imma, such an intense flavour, its craziness and passion gives the boyfriend such bite. peta makes a great addition to enhance the flavour - spiciness and so very very hot. to soften the bite and hotness, add some liam. its sweetness leaves a wonderful aftertaste. the perfect garnish for the boyfriend, a dash of dean - so crisp and fresh, yet enhances each of the other ingredients.

just some fun to end a great night - happy birthday peta *kiss*

water is a ne-cess-it-y

what a weekend. i'm too scared to blog it all out. i have so much to say, so much pain, hurt and frustration to express, but just can't.

conversations with my 13-year-old self...

got this damn song in my head, one line, can't shake it.

i'm just tired.

where has my annual leave gone? i must have misplaced it along with my brain...

i'm looking forward to doing something for myself tmrw. maybe ikea. i hate the weekend rush, too many kids running amuck. hopefully dean won't need the car in the morning. i also want to move a table out of my room, but i'll need help with it - way too big. i'll have to call in some help; everyone around here seems a bit too busy to help.

i've been emailing my sister. she seems very happy with where she is; she has even extended her contract for another year. i'm still her kid brother though. still mothering me. she is concerned about the friendships i keep, the things i do, how i spend my money, drugs, alcohol, triads, etc. i don't think she will ever see me as an adult. i'll never be her equal. but then again, to put things in perspective, she has settled down, married, bought houses, and pursuing her career. i haven't really tackled any of those, well apart from the career bit. i guess from her point of view i still haven't grown up. i'm still renting, i am not interested in buying property, and i have not found true love. i look at devi and dean and i wonder if my sister and i will ever be that close.

trailer trash!

8:30am I get a phone call from Peta asking me to help her move some props for her. Since she couldn't drive stick, and her brother's friend bailed, so she asked me. i was happy, i thought it was just driving a manual van. I thought as long as it wasn't column shift i'd be fine.

Then Imma tells me I have to tow a trailer. at that point i was like "andrew. be a man, a man can drive anything...".

so i get there, my jaw drops when i see the van, i psych myself up... be a man... be a man...craps i'm just a boy...

i successfully get the van down the hill and get to the main road, cars were keeping their distance, none of the trailer lights were working. changing lanes required lots of head turning and "peta... am i clear?!" because the wing mirrors were also just as broken..ahh no power steering either...

it all seemed a bit incongruent, my outfit, prada sunglasses, and peta in this dirty broken van going 40km/h down the main roads in eltham.

the van was okay, apart from the huge difficulty in getting the van from second to third gear, and towing wasn't so hard, except when i had to reverse. oh dear god. peta's photographer told her that a sign of a true aussie bloke was the ability to reverse a trailer. i'm no bloke.. i held up traffic, reversed the trailer twice into the curb, mounted the van on the curb twice, but i eventually managed to park the van on the nature strip.

ahhh my arms are sore, my left knee is sore, and my back is sore. love it. most exercise ive done in months.

Panda Sneezes

Sneezing panda, priceless!

life lived, life wasted

i think i put my finger on it. there are two types of patients who i connect with better. the passionate patient who is determined to live (in the sense of experiencing life) and then the patient who is truly fighting.

one patient who comes to mind is a patient who, despite her terminal illness, continued to pursue what she loves - singing. her work, a victoria wide database of some sort was her pride and joy. it came to a holt with her diagnosis and instead, she focussed on her singing. to me, its beautiful; accepting her diagnosis and living life to the best of her ability. every now and then i get a patient who we treat curatively and have a real fighting chance and most probably have a disease-free future who really doesn't appreciate how lucky they really are. they treat their diagnosis as final, their treatment as a chore - not a battle, their life as practically over. i understand what they are going through, but the personal satisfaction i get from treating them is no where near as empowering; sure i'm helping them, but they don't have the drive which gives real validation to what i do.

i met a guy out at a club. he asked me what i did for work, i told him that i treat cancer. he said to me "oh yeah, i have a brain tumour". at that point, i felt like telling him "you are so amazing" (i think i did, i was so drunk). his prognosis is good. but he was amazing because he was out, enjoying himself with a champagne flute in one hand and a cigarette in the other. he was embracing life, not letting his disease stop him from really living life (i'm not saying smoking and drinking is required to live life - but he was enjoying himself). i have respect for him.

i think the reason i relate so well is because its something i want to do - live life with a passion. i want to explore the world, experience new things, further my career and become something bigger than i am at the moment.

i remember the blog entry i posted in response to dean's, and i said that his passion and drive made me want to always aim higher - and i'm getting there i think, ever so slowly with the help of the friends around me.

:D

they started stocking spare toilet rolls at work again :D...

theres a difference between bitching and the facts..

ended up at onesix on saturday night.

this weekend has been by far the best weekend in weeks. it was the best time at onesix i've had since imma's birthday - no headaches, no sore legs, no drama, just a huge itching to dance. i felt comfortable with myself. partly because i was so hideously trashed. 2 red wines, 1 stella (or was that two?), 3 jager-bombs and 3 bottles of champagne (split between 5) - and then a glass of red when i got home. love it.

met a couple while there. lovely. susanna, my god, so beautiful, so wise and so witty. at least i thought she was. i really couldn't understand a lot of what she was saying, but for the bits that i did catch, she cracked me up.

oh well. i'm sure dean or imma will blog the night, i really can't be bothered at the moment. too tired.

:(

they stopped stocking spare toilet rolls in the toilets at work :(...

"So here's to finding a boyfriend at the opium den..."

Dean...starving. decide to get some food. on the way to the beach, we decide, instead, to go grab hungry jacks and then a couple of drinks at the opium den. oh dear god.

action plan: run straight to the bar, grab a drink and sit down.

no talent. but then what do you expect. its star. opium den...whatever.

dean manages to get cruised like 5 times. okay maybe they were fat and ugly, but thats still more than what i got. what i got was a fucked-up straight girl.

"so like yeah... where are you from?"
"adelaide..."
"no really, where were you from originally?"
"adelaide..."
"oh... but from overseas?"
yes dear...adelaide is a foreign country...
"my parents are from singapore"
"oh i grew up in singapore. i spent 2 months there."
okay then...

she was stroking my leg, getting way too personal for my liking...

after two stellas, we felt it was time to leave.

dean makes a run for the door, i stand up and turn around to leave, and i find the girl grinding up against me.

"i really like your build..."
thanks darl, but i don't like yours
"thanks, you are pretty [fucked-up]"

So here's to finding a girlfriend at the opium den...

interview/bazaar/fashion...thank god its over

so, i had my interview today. glad its over. but i think i nailed it. answered each question with enough detail and backed each one up with an example.

oh well i find out next wednesday.

hope all goes well.

spent the arvo with dean running around town trying to find odds and ends for the house. was a good way to unwind from the stressful morning. thanks.

went to some fashion/hair/drinking thing at some place. it was good. free alcohol = happy me.

chicken'n'chalks

roasted two chickens for imma, dean, joseph and liam tonight. roasted lemon chicken - my variation of honey duck. basil, ginger, lemon, and a lemon-honey glaze. i steamed a truck load of veggies for imma. joseph brought home krispy kremes for desert. it was great. chicken and donuts, such a simple pleasure.

oh. i handed in a job application on monday, and now i have an interview on tuesday. yay. my first fret was over what to wear. now that is sorted i'm stressing over what to say in the interview. i went through a practice interview with imma and dean just then. was interesting. its funny how practice interviews are more nerve-racking for me and i can never seem to form good sentences, but when it comes to the real interview i just seem to make sentences flow. must be the adrenaline.

the next few weeks are going to be intense. interviews. social activities. annual leave. rotation within the department. its going to be interesting.

oh caught up with freddy and simon today. lovely. absolutely lovely. i didn't talk much. but thats me lately. i just don't have the energy to say anything. i just love being around people and just observing and listening. its my dad in me. he never liked to be the centre of attention. who knows. next month i'll probably be back to my loud non-stop talking self. i never know what direction my life is going. its like i have imma behind the wheel - the WORST sense of direction ever. god i love her.

alone

its spring...and its fucking freezing.

i feel so alone. i'm not though. but i am.

i feel empty.

i feel numb.

i'm tired of the emotional rollercoaster that is my life. one day happy, the next sad, then frustrated, then happy, then scattered, then ecstatic at onesix, then REALLY scattered.

meh. claudia said once summer comes around, i'll feel better.

i've forgotten how to meet new people. 6 months ago i was chatty, social and easy-going. i was really sad. back then meeting new people was my coping mechanism. it kept me going, like a little injection of morphine to dull the pain. i met some great people. now, i'm happy and comfortable. i've recovered and have no idea how to meet new people. i feel awkward around people i don't know. i have no motivation to make small talk or start interesting coversations. even amongst friends, i don't really feel like talking. like i said, i feel numb. i think its the months of partying catching up with me.

i think i should change. i can see where this road will take me. i'll end up alone. no friends, no family, no love - no fun.

i really hope claudia is right.

oh my...

bloody woman...

okay day today. woke up early to do beam check. My colleague rang in sick which meant we were going to be understaffed for the whole day. Not so bad. Patients were really weird today. It seemed like they were rocking up at whatever time they felt like. Not even one patient stuck to their scheduled time slot. We were treating our 10:30 patient at 9:00, and our 9:00 patient at 11:30. It was weird. We didn't know if were running behind or early all day because we couldn't keep track. Anyways. With one patient, we were running behind with her. She rocked up early, we thought we'd push a few ambulance patients through (so the ambos would wait and the patient wouldn't have to hang around all day for them to pick them up). So by the time we got her into the room, it was 40 minutes past her appointment time. Not so bad, I won't let it happen again. We set her up. The most annoying patient set up ever. Partly due to the woman, and partly due to poor planning. Not much we can do about that now. We set her up, took us 10 minutes. We leave the room to turn the machine on and then the machine throws a fit because the position of the bed is 6mm outside its limit. Rachel and I throw a fit at the machine. We head back in to move her up the bed 6mm. We explain to the patient what we have to do due to the limitations of the machine. She replies "well maybe its nothing to do with the machine, maybe its the overworked workers". I ignored her. I really should have thrown a fit at her instead of the machine.

Anyways, knocked off early because I started at 7:00 in the morning. Went to use the bathroom. I stole a roll of toilet paper. I am turning into my father. Does anyone want a kidney dish?

peace.

so I'm outside in the sun, drinkng my tea while listening to joss stone. Love my days off. Liam is off at work, Imma is getting waxed and Peta is upstairs sleeping. Everything feels right at the moment.

Starting to feel stressed about job applications. My hospital advertised internally for grade 1 positions yesterday which is a wake up call for me to get my act together and put together an application. Read the most freaky horoscope last night; was directly related to my job situation. It said in the first 23 days of october a promotion or new job is likely; my interviews start on October 23rd. Freaky.

I think I'm stressing out more about what to wear, not so much about the interview. I really need to get my priorities straight...

You're welcome...

To Andrew

WITH SINCERE APPRECIATION

of your care and attention the last five weeks. I am sure with your kind bedside manner when you've [completed] your [internship] you will be in great demand.

[Patient]

One of my patients left me a card with that message, just for me, no one else got cards. The "you will be in great demand" bit sounds a bit dodgy, my colleagues were like "oh is she coming on to you!?"

where did they go?!

thursday, one of my patients finished treatment. she was a lovely lady. so chirpy and always up for a good laugh. she is a singer in a band, and still continues to do what she loves. She admitted that it was tough. As I walked her out of the room, I told her to look after herself. She hands me a box of chocolates and thanks me for everything.

I leave the chocolates on the bench and go talk to our nurses. They told me that the patient really appreciated everything I did and that I was lovely....

... I go back for some chocolate...

HALF OF THEM WERE EATEN!!!

together again.

family night in tonight. our family came together and had a little barbeque to celebrate the start of summer (spring?!?!).

it was great, we moved the dining table outside, liam and imma cooked, the rest of us just hung out outside. i really appreciate nights like these. good music and great company.

all together again at last... love it.

thank god its over.

The past weekend isn't worth blogging about.

Except, one thing, i was happy to be back in sydney.

such beautiful words

Me: I wonder where seagulls go to die...

Imma: Dead seagulls end up in the realm where dead humans hang while eating their dead fish and chips and feed the dead seagulls as they depart to the after life :)

aaaaaaahhhhh!!!

okay. so. today has been so scattered.

I started work at 7 this morning for beam check. I just turn on the machine and warm it up and what not - make sure everything is working okay. So i get there early, just to be sure because its my first time doing the beam check on my own. I get there, try logging into the computer, the database is down. fuck. lol. its not the first time its happend, the 3 times i've done beam check with someone else we've had problems. funny that. i think i'm cursed. so anyways, i do all that i could. mostly the manual work. and eventually when the more senior staff got in, they managed to get everything working okay. so our day started off a bit rocky.

at 10:30 I had a bunch of prospective interns come in to take a tour of the department. i show them around, answer a few questions - was perhaps a bit too honest, but oh well. once that was done i went back to clinical work.

so. i'm supervising a student. i probably shouldn't be supervising since i'm technically not a real person at work - i'm supernumerary and still essentially training. but oh well. if my superiors feel confident in my work its all good. my student - nice girl, a tad bit slow. okay maybe not a tad, REALLY SLOW. we've gone through everything with her, quiz her on techniques, rationale, the basic stuff really. she still doesn't get it. shes enthusiastic and good with the patients but has no idea when it comes to the technical stuff. we try and get her involved in the treatment but all she does is just get in the way or take incredibly long. we thought we should get her involved with breast patients - simple technique, simple set up. it would normally take us 10 minutes to treat a breast patient, with her, it takes us 20-30 minutes. so shes chosen a breast patient for her procedure study. she performs the treatment and we assess how she does. she has been practicing on this one patient. unfortunately, today the patient asked us if it was okay if the student had no part in her treatment. and the thing is, she has chosen the easiest breast patient to do, all the others are harder to set up and are more complicated. sigh. i wonder how this girl is ever going to learn. shes enthusiastic, good with the patients, bit quiet - her heart is in the right place, just her brain isnt... oh thats too harsh.

the staff i work with think i'm doing a good job with her. i'm the most patient person with her, the rest just get annoyed and take over. i do try, but i'm not sure how much more i can take of it.

clumsy

i've never been clumsier or blessed with such bad luck in my whole life.

within the first hour at work i managed to break 3 things.
- crashed a computer
- tore off rubber buttons from the machine (i wheeled a stool into the bed)
- broke a CCTV that we use to watch patients on the bed (i just looked at it...)

the first two things weren't that bad, the third thing meant we couldn't treat patients for 15 minutes. they sent me to tea while the tv got fixed. They fixed it, and as i came back from tea, i came around the corner and the TV broke again.

My colleague told me that i should probably just do paperwork for the rest of the day. I hesitantly agreed.

After lunch, I continued on the paperwork. lesley asked me to treat one patient while carol went to tea. it was my first patient for the afternoon. we treat one field out of 6 and then the machine just stopped. whoops. some big fault with the machine we couldn't fix. we had to get the engineer down to fix it and treat the patient on the other machine.

just my luck.

all by myself..

all by myself.. i remember many karaoke nights screaming it at the top of my lungs. fun. don't ya just love asians?

anyways. alone now. in bed, sore back, tense shoulders, same old same old. watching sex in the city before bed with the rest of them. we started talking about love, life and what not. nothing serious. being alone is my fear. i surround myself with such loving friends, but how long will that last? and is their love enough? people tell me i'll find love, or rather love will find me. but it hasn't happend yet and not likely to happen soon. doesn't matter. i'm at a point where i am too lazy [scared] to love. theres always that lingering thought that i'll just fuck up my next relationship, i shouldn't even bother trying. i start to think i can't make anyone happy. its not like i don't want to love; i just don't want to disappoint anyone.

i'm either going to turn into an old single man or just settle for someone out of convenience or for financial stability. who knows.

i'm just coming down.

onesixone

coming down now. slowly. need food, im tense all over, emotionally fragile - or rather, emotionally flat. should really get out of the house but its too late to do anything. wasted my day in bed cuddling a gorgeous girl. god bless her.

last nigth was pauline's birthday. great night. chocolate buddha for dinner; by the end of dinner i resembled happy buddha, all i needed was someone to rub my belly. the company was great. warm, friendly loving people.

when we finished at chocolate buddha we hiked over to workshop. sipping champagne and beer straight out of the bottle on swanston st. you have to love joel's energy.

workshop was great. but was too wasted to really take in the atmosphere. 2 beers, sake, yager shot, 1 stella, champagne and beer was starting to get to me. i held myself up, didn't appear too trashed.

a group of us left workshop for onesixone. it was hot. we hid in a corner and dropped a bit too much. i was a bit paranoid about how the night would turn out, but it turned out great.

Me: Tarve is wearing glasses
Dean: Yeah, he wears glasses all the time...
Me: Shit yeah... i'm fucked.

Music was great as usual. Shame i had to leave early because of a headache. i think i drank too much water. oh well. ill slow down next time.

will blog more later.

tears..

i got the most amazing intern assessment the other day. all positive, plenty of 'O's (scale of U - Unsatisfactory; S - Satisfactory; E - Excellent; O - Outstanding). Yippee for me. Lightened my mood.

Yesterday, one of our patients passed away. For days she missed treatment, our nurse came up to us and said "she's knocking". I gave her a puzzled face and she explained that she was 'knocking on God's door'. Its somewhat comforting knowing that she is in a better place. She came to us in a poor state - obviously had lost lots of weight, frail and emotionally ill. She had a loving partner, who would ring in for the days she could not make treatment and explain her situation. I had followed her from the very start when she came into the department. CT scanned her, planned her treatment and then treated her.

Today, one of our patients finished treatment. She is absolutely lovely. She was one of the patients who you could have a laugh with. The staff would have competitions as to how tight we could tape her thigh - I won. She was with us for a good month. Today she brought her family in - her husband and young son. So cute. The kid rocked up in a t-shirt with "My Dad rocks!" on it. He was so shy. We had to dim the lights and we asked our patient if her son was scared of the dark, she said he would be fine. We dimmed the lights and the kid BOLTED! I lost it. I couldn't stop laughing. Once we finished, she started tearing. She gives my colleague a hug, looks at me and goes "come give me a cuddle..". I told her to leave before i started crying.

8 months in, the warm fuzzy feeling just as strong...

sigh

so. i got a patient changed. she is a young paediatric doctor of some sort. really pretty. when i met her, my first impression was a strong, rational woman. i looked up to her. i think she is amazing. she is still working, taking time off work to make her 10 minute appointment with us.
i mentioned to her that her doctor had requested a plain film x-ray to verify her position. she asked why we weren't going to do it the normal way. i told her it was due to limitations of the machine and we couldn't see appropriate anatomy.

i walk away to do other stuff. i come back and notice she is already on the bed, crying. she thought her doctor was looking for something, like things had gone bad. it stirred emotions. for the first time i didn't see her as a doctor, i saw her as a patient. she seemed so vulnerable.

the moment of irrationality surprised me. but it shouldn't. i can't expect anyone going through what she is going through to maintain a level of rationality. i am glad i wasn't in the room with her. i would have lost it.

i still look up to her. she is still fucking amazing. her insight on medicine and children makes me reassess how i would approach my paediatric work.

holiday..

so. dean is playing holiday again....

movin'

so. my life is a bit of a mess (literally). half my crap is at parkville, half my stuff is at bouverie. i have to be out by monday. need to organise steam cleaners. fuck. i do that now.

i'll get it all done. hopefully. i don't know what to do if i cant. arghhh!

meanwhile, sydney?? should i make the move? i shouldn't get ahead of myself, but i need to be prepared (omg such a control freak..). what happens if i don't get a job in melbourne? if i don't, sydney here i come! but the thing is, i think i will get a job in melbourne. my boss said to me yesterday that there is one definite grade 1 position available at my current department. she added that she thinks that i am really good. my supervisor quickly added "yeah but we think [the other intern] is really good too". So i don't know what to make of that. anyways, back to the point. so i guess i'm confident of getting a job in melbourne, which means i really don't know why i want to move.

maybe its family. i've had this urge to be around family. its a stability thing. there is no way i'm moving to adelaide, so i guess sydney is the next best thing. my sister isn't even there. and she could possibly be moving to melbourne.

maybe i think i need a change. melbourne is bored of me. i'm not bored of melbourne. its spring and everyone is finding love, and i'm left behind, all alone. not that its a bad thing. but i'm not finding love/meeting new people in melbourne.

need to think. going to clean.

i need to move stuff out of my apartment before i can start thinking about moving to sydney. baby steps...

oh, our auto-mo-baby is fixed.

a touch of spring...

so. the car is dead. and mercedes is charging me $4000 to resuscitate it. dean and i considering adopting a new auto-mo-baby. we were going through the options of rainbow auto-mo-babies and we have decided that japan will be our next garage of choice. you can really tell that this is blog is being written by dean.

anyways. dead car. is getting fixed tomorrow, getting it done cheap - not fixing everything. will see how long it will last. but been dreaming of new cars to get. something second hand and cheap. yaris?? fiesta?

dean : black and tinted windows. hot.
andy : sunroof.
dean : alloys. lowered.
andy : fucking asians.
dean : fluffy toys.
andy : fucking asians.
dean : fuck you.

what i really want is an is250. hot. black, leather, sunroof. dreaming.

we also have to adopt a new washing machine. its going to be so pretty. what is with my whitegood fetish??

br-br-broke...

my car is broken.

tired

tired. just got back from market. spent a whole 30 mins there. most expensive beer i've ever bought.

I finally found a park, and then headed into market. paid for entry and then caught quan leaving. he was heading back to a friend's house with some other people. one of my ex's friends was with them. was not keen on hanging out with them. i've had enough of my ex for the night. the reason for me going out was to get away from tim's issues, i wasn't particularly in the mood to socialise with one of his friends.

anyways. spent 15 mins outside market in the cold telling quan that he should go have fun and forget about me. he kept on insisting that i was lying and that i should hang out with him. i was really intent on staying. i thought there would be more friends inside. turns out they had left. great.

ran into derek, mark and james. derek was very chirpy and chatty. i asked him if he had spoken to tim lately and he said he hadn't. i told him he has been really down lately. he told me tim was my problem because i am the most current ex. sigh. tim isn't my problem. but somehow i do feel i owe it to him to keep him going and get him back on track.

the intense phone call with tim was laced with "andrew, i love you". i stupidly, yet very hesistantly lied back saying i loved him too. dean is right. i shouldn't lie. i should have replied with "i know, and you know i'll be here for you..." or something like that. after making the friends i have now, i wonder if i ever loved tim. the love i felt for tim doesn't compare to the love i feel for my friends now.

i'm lost again. its been a crappy end to the night. not because of the whole market fuck-up. its because of tim. he is sucking me back in. like a big whirlpool of ugly emotional badness. i told him outright, that i don't have the strength to fight his battles for him. the only thing i can do is encourage him to seek help, and even that is taxing enough. the stubborn mule that he is thinks he is beyond help, that the pain is too much. and then i wonder about a post daniel made not so long ago about when we visited watson's bay.

bye bye bouverie...

fuck. home now. the bye-bye-bouverie barbeque just finished up. it was the sweetest gesture. thanks ;-)

it didn't start out so well. it was raining, a boy forgot his boyfriend and had to go pick him up, the meat wasn't cooking and i was practically falling asleep. but it turned out to be an awesome wholesome family night in. quan was in a frenzy of cooking while everyone sat and chatted.

ok ok. have to stop blogging there.

just got off the phone with the ex. now i'm feeling ARRRRRRRGH. Gets me all agitated and what not. shit i shouldn't have to deal with, but have to because if I don't no one will. in no mood to sleep. must go out. will go join quan.

will blog later.

stay hungry, stay foolish...

*click*

down

tired. down. excited. confused.

okay. mainly confused about the mixture of the first three feelings. long day at work. don't know why i am down. confused about that as well. no need for a reason i guess. excited about sydney. everyone around me is getting into it. love it. it will be hot.

just need to hug something.

sigh

difficult day today. understaffed, late staff and long meetings meant that i was a bit overworked. it was okay, i could handle it. it wasn't until the end of the day that i had enough.

he was a new patient, and today was his first day. I walk out to the waiting room and introduce myself. He replies with "how long does a man have to wait around here?" in one of those angry tones. I apologised for our tardiness, but we were only 10-20 mins late. As part of the first day chat we show the new patients our control station and explain how we can control the machine from outside and watch them at all times. He snapped at me saying he didn't care and just wanted to get on with things. I felt small.

I was working with my charge. We get the patient to lie on the bed and we set him up. He refuses to lie still, always moving his arms, making it even harder for us to get him in the right position. It didn't help that he was a large man. Halfway through we had a bit of trouble with the bed and had to slide him across. The bed was really high. I kind of hurt my shoulder.

We double check everything and then get started. Once we had finished our verification and before we got started wtih his treatment, he said he had to get off the bed because his back was cramping. I asked if he could wait 5 more minutes. He said he couldn't. So i called for my colleague and lowered the bed. He asked for help off the bed. I said I couldn't lift him up, but if he grabbed the side of the bed and lifted himself up we could assist from behind. He refused to comply and goes to grab me. I step back and he yells "just help me will you?". I sharply said I couldn't - I need to look after my back.

He eventually gets off the bed. It was then I realised that he wasn't a difficult patient. Well he was. But his difficult-ness stems from his anxiety. I told him the actual treatment will only take 5 minutes. We get him back on the bed and realised we set him up too far to the left of the bed. We had to slide him across again.

Once we finished, I had a chat to our nurses. Told them that the patient was a bit short-tempered, but was probably due to his anxiety and will probably need pain control for his back. The nurse came back after she chatted to the patient and told us he was just as difficult with her as he was with us. She mentioned that he does suffer from an anxiety disorder and normally takes ativan, but did not take it today. Like duh. You'd think that if you suffered from anxiety, and knew that you'd be going through a procedure for the first time you'd take your medication. Sometimes I wonder if I'm working against natural selection... no, i shouldn't be so cold and harsh. He apologised for his behaviour.

If I treat him tmrw I'll make sure he is treated on time, even if I have push him infront of other patients. Having him waiting won't help his anxiety. By the end of the week he should soften up though.

dark clouds

i'm sitting on my couch, looking outside. dark clouds are rolling in as the sun sets. its beautiful, yet kinda eery. they are so dark...

my unborn child named pete...

all i wanted to do was walk home...

ate food tonight. too much. mother, i'm pregnant, your grandchild's name is pete, and he'll resemble a chicken.

lexington...

okay home from lexington, i think. drunk and tired. need sleep. have to work tmrw.

i just yelled at tim. on msn, so not really yelling, the emotion would have been lost. i told him to get his fucking shit together and get his bony arse out of the rut that its in. he is down. but reality is, his problems are nothing. so what if you don't have a uni degree. its a piece of paper. means shit all. it doesnt make you a better person. it gets you a job, and thats all, and even then, anyone can get a job. and you don't need a boyfriend to validate your own existence. i go to work and i am surrounded by people who have shit, and i mean real SHIT on their plate and they are dealing with it. it shits me when people complain to me about the crappy little things when they have no perspective or understanding of the shit they COULD be going through. i am guilty of that though. losing sight. when i am confronted with a problem, its there. its the like a brick wall and i can't walk through or past it. i get caught up on it. sometimes i need to step back and look at myself in the mirror and realise how fucking lucky i am, not matter how shitty life is around me.

sat-diy, veebs and yous.

oh my god. amazing night.

today was a drain. i didn't feel like I was up for anything. My haircut appointment felt like a chore, although i did walk out feeling refreshed. I picked up my car and went to ikea to buy shit, and then back to the city to walk around a bit more. Ended up at parkville sorting stuff out and cleaning with Carmel. God bless her. I will miss her so much. Drove out to Resevoir to pick up some clothes for Carmel and then dinner from safeway. We made a salad. I think its been months since my last salad.

Dean invited me out for drinks with Imma and Peta. Decided to do a low-key lounge-y drinks thing at Hairy. Peta is hot. I can't look her in the eyes. I really can't. A bottle of wine and a beer later I message quan and invite him along. with his suspenders and hat, he looked like a little messenger boy.

jimi lundy.

i finally get to meet the boy. nice guy, but so very quiet.

we drank more. laughed more. smoked more. photo-d more. it was like we were our own paparazzi. flashes left right and centre. of course, my photos turned out trashy. i can imagine the headlines in New Weekly or whatever:

SCANDAL! Singer-Songwriter Jimi Lundy hangs out with trashy asian, little messenger boy, hot blonde and fucked-up filos.

left for maccas. some drunkard, started yelling stuff at us. gave us shit. we gave him shit. it was fucking hilarious - "don't mess with us, we're asian, we'll stab you." ended up playing janet's new single while waiting in the drive-thru line. so fricken loud. it was like the peel in my car - except gay. but hot. and a whole lot less sleazy.

great night out. have to wake up early tmrw. fathers day breakfast with freddy and simon.

sleep sweet children. wish me a happy father's day.

rough day...

I need to blog about work. Its getting kinda stressful, not in the sense that its getting too much for me, its just that its a bit frustrating. This is going to get technical. I get to work and open up a patient on the computer. I look at the tumour volume the doctor wants to treat. I laughed when I saw it - the kind of 'oh my fucking god, what do i do now?!' laugh. Later on in the day I was chatting to the doctor with the complexity of the volume and the required plan. My supervisor was there with me. I mentioned to her that this would be one of the last patients i'll plan before returning to the machines. The doctor asked if I was swapping with one of qualified staff and my supervisor told him I was swapping with the other intern. The doctor looked a bit surprised and said "so you are an intern?".

I have to have the plan ready by monday. So far so good. I'm halfway there I think. I just need to get the dose to the lens and optic chiasm down. Sigh. Its going to take hours infront of the computer.

Oh also found out i could have been related to the department head. She used to date my aunty's step son. Totally freaky.

Anyways. I met up with Dean and Brad for lunch. It was fun. I miss him already.

Trippin' on intensity...

4:35 PM. Just got home. I was upstairs sleeping all day, now my body clock is fucked. Too bad. Last night I was feeling a bit itchy to go out. So I did. Market it was. I hadn't been on the melbourne gay scene for a good month and a half, or even two. It was a good release, I needed to dance, to drink and get trashed.

I bumped into people I didn't expect would be there and even met a couple of new people. Eric? Michael? From Altona? or Atlanta? Too fucked to care. The music was perfect. Mary got me in the mood, then dannii, then it got harder and faster, then I don't know.

6:30 Am. Decided to leave. Walked to the train station to catch a train home. Soon realised that we'd have to wait for an hour and a half for the first train. Fuck that. Walked to chapel st to catch a cab. Stopped by the chinese supermarket on chapel and bought pears and an apple. I ate the apple. Just needed something in my mouth. I couldn't finish it.

Got to quans. Fell into bed. Slept.

4:20 PM. Got up.

hmmm

At work on friday, we were discussing my colleagues uni subjects. This ad came up in the conversation (shes studying health promotion).

Reminds me of the time I was telling people "I had to blow in his mouth to get him off".

Funny thing was, my colleague, innocent as she is, didn't see the crude dirty aspect of the slogan (not that it would have been crude back then). She was going "you'd get a slap for blowing smoke in someone's face these days". I kinda stopped laughing when she said that. Kinda felt like one of those moments where you are laughing at your own joke and no one else is laughing at all.

Well. I just got back from dinner with brad and dean. Lovely they are. I didn't say much over dinner. I don't know why. Too much talking in my head, not enough talking out loud. I think its that time of the year/month/lunar cycle (whatever) for me. I get all love-y and I feel like I've got so much love to give but no one to give it to. So, over dinner i was thinking about how i could put all this energy to use - knit a friend a scarfe? bake a cake for someone?. Then my mind started wandering. Like it is now. I need a dog or a boy. Or a child. I think a dog would be the smart option. Someone or something that would just take my love without feeling like they need to give anything back, except their love of course. I need to be loved too. But now I realise that this feeling will only last a few days. Then i'll be over it then there will be no need for a dog, boy or small child. I'll be happy just being me with lots of love to give to me.

brunhilde

So this is a video made by my brother in law. hes in toronto for a year with my sister. i think he has a bit too much time on his hands...

The house is the place they are staying at while in toronto I think. And the car... thats Brunhilde. Its my aunty's car. Whenever I'm in canada, its the car I drive. It is by far the most temperamental car I've driven. Her engine will just stall whenever it feels like, when approaching a hill you have to give her all the moral support you can muster (while watching the cyclists and pedestrians overtake you...), her headlights barely light up 2 metres infront of herself (great when its pitch black and snowing...) and you have to be violent with the brake pedal to get her to stop. I've had some good times in that car. Driving in a foreign country not knowing whether the vehicle will get you to your destination just adds to the fun.

i miss my sister and tony dearly..

"Imma's Birthday!!" (Part 3)

Just got home from Dean's. A really good weekend in: good company, dvds, good food, dancing, wine and pot. I cooked enough food on saturday night to have enough leftovers to feed 7 tonight, with of course a new soup and side dish. The second chicken was as good as the first chicken.

Everyone was so mellow today.

Back to Imma's party...

Sunday Day

We pretty much just sat in bed all day, falling in and out of short 4 minute naps. We were so so very scattered. We hadn't slept. Charlie kept us going, god bless, don't ya just love him? Paulina dropped by in the afternoon, she was a sight for sore eyes. She looked so radiant, I however, felt so drained. Looking at her made me feel more awake. We ended up talking about death and family. Such a pleasant topic to delve into when you are coming down from a big night out. I ended up in quiet tears. I didn't want to let the girls see me cry. I should have pulled out my fake glasses to hide the tears.

Paulina left. I was hoping she'd come back. I needed level-headed company, someone who could piece together a full sentence.

There was lots of "oh remember when this song came on last night..." and "oh remember when...". To be honest. I didn't. I was too fucked. I just nodded my head and agreed with Imma and Dean with "yeah it was hot". Its not that I was too fucked during the night to not remember everything, its just that I was so out of it on the sunday that I couldn't remember it at that point. A week later and its all coming back to me.

Sunday Night

Liam dropped by, and with him, was Charlie. More great times. We hung out for hours, and I still hadn't slept (38 or so hours awake I think - a personal best). I left at around 10:00 ish I think. I didn't get to sleep until midnight. I slept like a baby and woke up at 7. Off to work I went...

"Imma's Birthday!!" (Part 2)

Okay here I am. Home alone, infront of the tv watching that hot dogs guy and rob from big brother. A perfect time to blog about last weekend - anything to distract myself from rob's eyebrows.

Like I said before, I don't know where to start. I think I'll start at the beginning and make this a "and then I..." blog, cos I really can't be fucked making this sound good or intelligent.

Saturday Day
After dropping Dean at work I went home and then decided to catch up with Julian for lunch/breakfast. It was great. We chatted, discussed boys, one in particular. He had to run off to see a melbourne film festival film (I so want to see something this year...). I walked up little collins st to find some more items of clothing for the night. Things on my list were a shirt, belt and shoes - everything else I had organised. I dropped by and saw Dean, Stephanie and Luke. Ended up spending the afternoon running between AG and Calibre choosing items of clothing and wondering if they would work with my suit jacket and jeans. Freddy dropped by, god bless, its been so long since I've caught up with him properly. Went for lunch and then said our goodbyes. After a good 4 or 5 hours spent on little collins st I walked home - very broke. I bought my shoes, belt, shirt and a knit. I gathered my stuff and made my way to pick up dean. We chilled at dean's place for a bit, then Imma came over. She was stressed out the poor thing. Meanwhile I was stressing over dean's shirt drying in time and whether i'd look okay. After a few glasses of wine we left for the hotel room.

Saturday Night
On the way to the hotel we picked up dinner and then swung by paulina's house to pick her up. me being tipsy, and trying so hard to be calm but so not, we ended up taking a little tour of southbank - thank god we didn't end up in the yarra or 4wd-ing across the botanic gardens. Upon arriving at the hotel, we were greeted by Abdul the anglo concierge in training. Imma kept on asking me "andy, did he just steal that badge??". We ended up parking in the ballet centre and then walking (dean running...) to the hotel carrying 5 suit bags, a suit case, numerous AG carry bags and an iron - I felt like the hired help carrying all the suit bags, but I felt important like hired help for someone famous. When we got into the room, dean ran to the toilet, i wasn't sure if he was actually pissing or running a bath, the noises coming from the bathroom seriously went for long enough. Okay maybe that was too much information. Imma's sister's friends were there, I didn't bother getting to know them. I was stressing over who was going to shower first. It was beautiful. The scene that is. We all went off and did our own thing, eating, showering, ironing, getting ready, mirror-ing and then re-convening every 20 minutes for a smoke. Once everyone was ready, we looked at each other and said "hot". Okay maybe we didn't, but we were. The girls looked amazing. If i only I was a girl...

We got to eve and saw the huge line. We didn't bother lining up, we already had earlier that night. We just hung out in the carpark. We looked hot. I swear everyone in the line was looking at us. It felt like it. I felt a bit awkward around so many hot people who I didn't know. I ended up running between people I knew. Poor Imma, she was stressing out. Eve fucked her guestlist. Her friends, god bless them, took control and we all decided to go someplace better. Fucking eve. A small group of us ended up at onesixone. It was hot. I loved it. It was my first time. It was all a big blur to me. All I know is that I had an awesome time and made many trips to the bathroom. By the end of the night I had gotten to know some really great people. Imma is blessed with some lovely friends.

We left onesixone at 7:30. The group split up, and Gabriel, Liam and myself took Liam's friend back home. It was fun, kinda reminds me of a taxi ride home at mardi gras 2006.

Sunday Day
Scattered. I really had no idea what was going on. I remember drinking at 8:30am. It was a day full of laughs, tears, and some fucked-up remarks.

amazing huh??

I'm hot and sweaty. Not sure how much of it is to do with me being sick. Took a sickie today as I was feeling so crook yesterday. Ended up taking my car back from Dxxn but not having anywhere to put it, so here I am, at Dxxn's house. I just cleaned the backyard. Filled the already full bins plus 3 garbage bags with leaves and crap (I probably just destroyed an ecosystem...nut smeh). I got a splinter in the process - owie. I decided to take a break and check on the washing - realised I forgot to add detergent. Also decided to fix the door, I thought it would be difficult to find the appropriate door locks to replace the broken one. I took the lock off, took it apart and realised it was the simplest thing to fix. Fixed in 2 minutes.

I'm very glad I took today off. I feel so much better already, apart from the splinter and the emerging headache. I'll go take a break. Sleep it off.

Oh yeah, I was meant to blog about the weekend, but I don't know where to start! I'll start on an essay plan first....

"Imma's Birthday!!"...fucking eve...

Oh my fucking god. Amazing weekend. Amazing. Fucking amazing. Imma, I LOVE you. I'm absolutely trashed. Need sleep bad. Will blog later.

...

frustration

I walked home from work today. Well almost. I hopped on a tram between spring and swanston st, just cos my ticket was already validated and I felt like a waste to not use it. I had to walk off the frustration from work, and even then the long walk wasn't enough.

Ugh. My last patient, I was working with a colleague and a student. The patient had slight dementia. So anyways, his wife was there to accompany him. Neither my colleague or the student were directing any of their instructions or questions to the patient - everything was spoken to the patient's wife. Argh. I felt sorry for the patient, he isn't any less capable of listening. You can tell if he doesn't understand and then maybe you turn to the wife. But I honestly feel that any question or instruction should be directed at both of them; spoken to the patient with the wife there listening. When I asked the patient for his date of birth, my colleague says "don't ask him. he's got alzheimer's". Right. The patient still knows his own birthday.

The department is so understaffed. I had to cover lunches and tea breaks today on the machines. Its extra work I shouldn't be doing cos I'm not rostered there, but oh well, its nice treating patients who I have planned. So much for being supernumerary.

Anyways. Walking home seemed like everyone I passed was looking at me. A (gay)-sian guy stopped doing his dishes to watch me walk by his apartment. Other people looked at me as I passed them in the park. Weird.

I wish...

I had breakfast at Fed Square this morning. I was reading the optus message board, cute messages came up like I wish we could build a transporter to transport rubbish to another planet and I wish there was no such thing as rubbish. But my favourite was If you have a cargo ship don't go too fast when you are carrying cargo so it won't fall off and pollute the sea.

I've been blogging lots lately but never hitting the publish button. Even making comments on other people's blogs but never posting them. I feel like everything I say is irrational and pretty much full of crap. What happend to the calm collected chalks that I once knew? LOL

I crashed my car again. Just added another scratch to the collection. Its not too bad, the usual, I was reversing into the car lot and got a tad bit too close to the pylon. Wing mirror is just a little rough now. At least its not as bad as my dad, he totally removed his wing mirror by hitting a 4wd - right after he got it fixed too.

Picked up my suit. This morning I was almost regretting buying it, but then I tried it on and remembered why I liked it so much. Headed to nudie to find a pair of jeans. I bought a pair. yay. Now I have to live on bread and water until pay day, then its rent day, and that means more bread and water. I'm cool with that. As long as I look good. I'm on a shopping-high, shame it doesn't last. You really come down when the credit card statement arrives...

I also got my car fixed today. They washed it and sprayed something to make it shine. Now all the black plastic is extra shiny. Hot.

I'm quite proud of myself. Productive day. I walked everywhere; back from the car dealer, out to East Melbourne to drop some stuff off at old-work, back to the city, then back to the car dealer. At that point I gave up and drove everywhere else.

Ohh and my most favourite bit... I cooked coq au vin for Dxxn and Erxn. They loved it. It could have been better if I used tomato paste instead of tomato sauce. But oh well. I still enjoyed it. I should cook more often - it makes me happy.

silence

Spent the night in tonight. I think I've been craving it. A bit of me wanted to get out of the house, but I really could not be bothered. I cooked myself noodles, sat down and watched some TV. So here I am. Sitting on the couch, TV on, music playing yet I feel like everything is so quiet.

Maybe I do need to get out...

broke

I broke my car again. Because of my back I had my car seat right forward and my backrest upright. I seriously look like my grandpa. I tried moving my seat back, and *snap* goes the cable. Fuck. I am getting it fixed tomorrow. Hopefully.

My back is getting better. I didn't take my anti-inflammatories today and I was fine with a bit of deep heat. I hope it gets better by the weekend.

So. The psycho supervisor who I so couldn't handle while on treatment has moved to planning with me. It isn't so bad. We get along now. I think the environment in planning is less stressful so she is a bit more relaxed. As long as I get the work to her on time, which isn't hard, it should be okay. I've found a common interest between us - wine.

Watching Grey's Anatomy. I forgot how emotional I can get from watching TV.

Oh My God. This cheapens my blog...

Layonce Knowles feat. Gay ZZZZ - Deja Vu

This is for Dxxn. I'm almost too embarrassed to blog this...

Miss Swan

Thanks to eyesofascorpio for introducing me to Miss Swan. Cheers me up everytime...

Just got back from Dxxn's. In so much pain. So so much pain.

I shall name him George...

George. Its the name of my new obsession. My favourite posession at the moment. Its a cookbook. More like a recipe book. I bought it from Kikki.K. Its really a folder full of plastic pockets so I can cut and paste various recipes into it. I spent the afternoon at Dxxn's house pasting in one recipe. Still undecided as to whether rabbit should belong in poultry or meat. I've seen rabbit in poultry sections before, but to me rabbits don't have wings or lay eggs so I say meat! Now I need to hunt down some more recipes to fill the folder. Sigh. I'm turning into a housewife, I already have the 4WD, I just need the husband...

So yes. I bought a suit today. Hot. Hot. Hot. Hot. I love it to bits already. Its off getting altered. When I first saw it I didn't think much of it. But then I tried it on and OMG... It doesn't need much altering; just shortening the sleeves and taking in the waist a bit, not a lot, but to make it look ever so slightly more fitted. I'm going to wear it next weekend. Without the pants, jeans instead. Just need to find the jeans and the shoes. If only my parents could see. They would then understand why sometimes I spend so much on clothes. My mum would understand I think. She would always tell me as a kid how appearances matter and how I would never find a wife if I dressed like a bum. Well mother, even when I dress well, I still can't find a wife.

I am insanely pleased with myself for finding the suit and George.

sigh

Everyone promises me that with time, the hurt will go away but it hasn't. If anything, I'm hurting more now than I was before. But I guess I have only myself to blame for that. I emotionally and psychologically opened myself up to the possibility that perhaps we could make things work but that all did was to reinforce that you are and always will be a self absorbed, shallow, attention seeking cunt. If you could only step out of that self absorbed world of yours for just a while, you might per chance realise how much I sacrificied for you, how much of myself I gave to you, how hard I tried to make us work, how much I truly loved you. Maybe it wouldn't matter anyway because I can see now that it was never meant to be. A chapter closed and all that jazz. I deserve to be happy. Maybe someday I will be. Maybe someday I'll see that I am a better person for having gone through the hell you've put me through. Maybe someday I'll stop regretting even knowing you, much less allowing myself to fall in love with you. Maybe someday I'll find it in me to forgive you. But till then, fuck you very much.

My ex wrote that blog. Funny thing is, I could post that blog entry myself and it would mean the exactly how I feel/felt/whatever. I'm scattered. I shouldn't be posting anything.

I'm down. I need company. But I don't. My back hurts, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm everything I don't want to be at the moment. I need a hug. I called my dad this evening and started talking about work. When will I learn that I shouldn't mention work to my parents? I have to play it down. Tell them what I do is easy, that I don't stress over it, that I do nothing. If I tell them work is tough, or that I'm held up by doctors or that I come home tired, they say "well if you were a doctor you wouldn't have to do all the hard work, and you get paid more too". Fuck. I hate this. I'm close to crying.

Today was tough. It didn't help that I was so scattered. I let a whole bunch of little, obvious things go unnoticed which meant that when they did get noticed (and thank god they did) I had to fix them. Which really isn't so bad, considering I have only been in planning for essentially a week and a bit, and I wasn't the only person at fault. It was a collective effort really. Then I had to go back to work on the treatment machines for an hour to cover lunches because we were so understaffed. I took a short morning tea break, short lunch, no afternoon tea and worked overtime. No wonder I'm tired. Its been go go go since 8am.

so where are my...?

okay. so here I am searching the house for my cufflinks, I cannot find. I give up. I decide to iron shirt instead. I pull out my shirt and omg. My cufflinks! I had washed the shirt with the cufflinks attached. Oops...

Love that shirt. Its my favourite at the moment.

scatter scatter...

Long day. Insanely scattered though. I only realised this evening when I could not finish a single sentence I said to Dxxn. "Oh lets... umm yeah... don't worry", "You know what happened today? yeah.... thats right", "Oh I yeah....". It got progressively worse towards the end of the night. I just gave up.

Picked up food from Laksa King, brought it home (Dxxn's home) and ate. After dinner I just sat in Dxxn's room while he did his own stuff. Felt comfortable, apart from the fact I couldn't communicate. We went to pick up Cxrmxl and Txm from the airport. Felt really good to have Cxrmxl back in Melbourne. I missed her loud personality. I don't even know her that well. Weird.

Got back home, started filling out my census form and then headed upstairs to see Quxn and Xxron. I lay on his bed while they chatted and read blogs. Wonder how Jxlixn knows about Txm and Chxrlxe. Weird how news gets spread around. I wonder what people say about me....

I'm glad today is coming to an end. Maybe tomorrow I'll have my head in one piece. Wish me luck.

rock-on

Fuck. Heard the funniest thing today. One of our students was telling us how he picks up, the rules, the plan of attack; god it was funny. I thought it - he - was the biggest joke. He approaches girls within 3 minutes of seeing them, only if they are not alone, and at an angle of 45 degrees. He learnt this from some video. 45 degrees!! He probably has a compass in his pocket when hes out. Oh well. Must work for him, hes got 2 dates this weekend, or so he claims. There are probably good reasons for those tactics but I'm laughing more at the way he was telling the girls at work.

Today was productive. Helped the student make two lead shielding blocks. Stuffed one up and had to re-do it. When I got around to doing it again, the melting pot had clogged up and I couldn't pour any more blocks. I told my boss, she called the hospital engineers and got one of them to come up. He tried sticking pens and screw drivers through the tap hole. My boss looked at me with the biggest oh-my-fucking-god-he-is-so-stupid face. She warns him that if he burns himself with molten alloy its his fault. So we quickly hurry him out of the department and my colleague has the smartest idea. I pull out the heat gun and heat up the tap, turn the tap and eventually molten alloy starts pouring out. Yay. Aren't I just brilliant? Well not really seeing as it wasn't my idea, but still, I was the one who fixed it.

One of the doctors was late in doing his work, which meant I couldn't start any work on it today. The patient was planned to start treatment on Thursday. The original plan was to get the dosimetry done today and then sup-checked and doctor approved by the afternoon. When we realised we couldn't get it done in time we told the doctor; his idea was for him to mark out the tumour volume and then we plan it while he reads a book. We told him it would be too rushed so we off-booked the patient until Monday. So yeah. He marks the volume, and I start planning, he goes home. Forty-five minutes later I finish the dosimetry... we so could have started the patient tomorrow. Damn I rock.

I can't...

So today was my first day back at work after my first annual leave. It felt good to get back into the swing of things. I was greeted with many smiling faces and "we missed you" - sweet aren't they? The morning was weird. Everyone was in hysterics, we were laughing at almost anything. Good times.

Sitting at the computer doing some work I find out that one of the doctors was wondering where I was. He forgot my name and was trying to describe me to one of my colleagues. Apparently he was saying "the asian boy, you know, the one with style, and the nice shoes". I just love it. The one doctor who does have style comments on MY style.

Like I said, its great being back at work. Watching Dxxn this evening mount invites and carefully crop the board down to size reminded me how much I enjoy planning. The perfectionist in me comes out. Everything has to be perfect - the perfect dosimetry, the perfect treatment sheet - fuck, I even preemptively reinforce the holepunch holes. Every photo and picture has to be glued down, then taped over (making sure the tape is square) so there is no chance of the picture ever falling off. I'm such a geek.

I read my ex's blog today. I'm not sure if hes okay. I still care, but I don't think I can be there for him. I'm still hurting from our relationship. Last time I saw him in a state of emotional turmoil, I broke down. It was a time when I thought things were all fine and dandy. Then everything started to crumble. I was worried. I was obsessive again. Is he okay? Will he be okay? Am I okay? What should I do? I moved on when things seemed better - key word - seemed. I don't think things ever got better for him, I just chose to ignore it. Which is what I should do now. Dxxn's words: "If he comes running to you for help, don't get too involved, I don't want you getting hurt". There are so many reasons why I want to help him though - more of them more self-gratifying than out of kindness. Most of all I want to show him I'm strong - stronger than I was, than he is. I want to redeem the dignity I lost in that relationship. I'm not some kid. And I certainly don't like the fact he is disappointed in me for my party habits and the friends I keep. I want his respect. But why?

There's no point. You are right. He'll be fine, with or without me. I'm better off leaving it well alone.

"I had to..."

Me and my mouth. If its not "omg! whats with all the white people?!" or "omg that dog is licking that dogs pussy", its "I had to blow into his mouth to get him off". For the past week I've been saying that and I had no idea how dirty it sounded until today when Dxxn pointed it out to me. Trust Dxxn to spot something so dirty...

Today has been great. Lovely end to my annual leave.

I know my father

MSN chat with my father.

Felix says:
mum says i should get the psa test again
chalks says:
you should
chalks says:
its the least you could do
Felix says:
but there is no agreement about what to do if it is raised
chalks says:
better to get a digital exam
Felix says:
you are right
chalks says:
get it done
Felix says:
if you want a small car to get around melbourne, you can have the A140
Felix says:
730 tonight, SBS Top Gear

Music: Mary J. Blige - Be Without You (Moto Blanco Vocal Mix)

fuck this.

I'm going to swear. I love swearing. It used to turn me off, but now, it comes naturally. Fuck. Fuck sums up whats going on around me. Just when I thought life around me couldn't get any more turbulent, somehow it just does.

And my fucking computer is fucked. Its fucking slow. Maybe its because I haven't fucking turned it off in fucking 7 days. Its starting to fuck me off.

So. My friend, my rock, was confronted with terrible news today. When I found out I dropped everything. The news scared me. Then I felt lost. I'm meant to be a rock. What was I supposed to do? to say? I should fucking know what to do and say. I work in a profession that requires me to give psychosocial support, yet when it comes to friends I have no idea what to do. There are times when I feel so useless and I just hope I'm doing the right thing by my friends.

I called my mother today. To check up on her and make sure things were okay. The news today made me realise my parents aren't invincible. There will be a time when I have to be there for them, just as they were there for their parents. It ain't easy parenting parents. Especially mine; they are perhaps the most stubborn people around when it comes to their own health. How am I supposed to tell my mother "go touch your breasts" or my father "go get a doctor to stick a finger up your arse"? I worry about my father more. He is the more stubborn one. Its where I get it from. My sister and I have been bugging him to get checked up, but you know he doesn't bother. I've told him to at least get his PSA checked. He tells me its not very accurate. I say okay, then get a digital rectal exam. He doesn't reply and then changes the subject. How asian. Avoid confrontation.

Things will be okay. Everything will settle, and then spring will come and my mood will lift.

PS. I think 6 months ago I posted an entry how I shouldn't rely so much on everyone else to make me happy or to help me through tough times. Now, I think, fuck that, two people are stronger than one. Thats what friends are for...

omg

Okay, I just tallied up my meals and entertainment expenses for the past 5 months - oh my fucking god. I spend so much on food. When I decided I'd salary package, I asked colleagues how much meals and entertainment I should package - they said around $4000 for the FBT year. I thought I couldn't make that in a year. I packaged $1800 instead - well below how much I've spent in 5 months. It really isn't as bad as it seems though. A lot of the meals have been split, so its not like I've actually spent that amount of money, but still! Oh well, means my taxable income is reduced.

So, now I'm just sitting here contemplating how much more I should package. I really should be thinking about how to reduce how much I'm spending.
Its such a nice day outside. I don't know what to do. Days like this make me wish I had a dog or some kind of sporting talent.

My weekend has been great. I finish annual leave on Tuesday. I'm really glad I spent this weekend relaxing. Last weekend kind of put me off going out, at least for now. I'm turning into one of those stay-at-home fags.

Music: Beyonce - Deja-Vu (Feat. Jay-Z)

sleepless saturday

I'm at Dxxn's. Sitting at his desk, while hes sleeping. I finally managed to set up this blog. Still in the process of sorting stuff out. I need a bit of creativity to liven this blog up. But then again, I want this blog to be a reflection of myself - I'm not very creative.

Anyways. I'm hoping the bunch of weirdos downstairs have left. I dare not venture downstairs. Its safer up here. Sounds like they are leaving...

I think I'll leave it here for now. I'll blog tmrw.