so. anger. its an emotion which puzzles me so much. i hate being angry, but theres something so very addictive about it. imma told me the other day that i like to stay angry. its true, when someone upsets me, i almost don't want to forgive the person, and i'll even find faults where they don't exist, or even exacerbate the situation with far-from-subtle ignoring.
i hate it. its so self-destructive. i don't gain anything, just the torment of watching all those close to me turn their backs on me.
the whole anger addiction thing i think stems from my dread of being emotionless. there is nothing worse for me than to feel nothing. i need constant stimulation, be it, love, happiness, sadness or whatever. maybe i'm making up for years of having to hide my emotions around my parents. as a kid, whenever i was happy, i'd talk; my parents would tell me to be quiet. when i was sad, i'd cry; my grandma would tell me i look ugly when i cry. i had no outlet for my emotions. i didn't have my music, a blog, or any creative medium.
i'm angry now. but i want it to change. not just for my own sake, but for my friends'.
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