tired

tired. just got back from market. spent a whole 30 mins there. most expensive beer i've ever bought.

I finally found a park, and then headed into market. paid for entry and then caught quan leaving. he was heading back to a friend's house with some other people. one of my ex's friends was with them. was not keen on hanging out with them. i've had enough of my ex for the night. the reason for me going out was to get away from tim's issues, i wasn't particularly in the mood to socialise with one of his friends.

anyways. spent 15 mins outside market in the cold telling quan that he should go have fun and forget about me. he kept on insisting that i was lying and that i should hang out with him. i was really intent on staying. i thought there would be more friends inside. turns out they had left. great.

ran into derek, mark and james. derek was very chirpy and chatty. i asked him if he had spoken to tim lately and he said he hadn't. i told him he has been really down lately. he told me tim was my problem because i am the most current ex. sigh. tim isn't my problem. but somehow i do feel i owe it to him to keep him going and get him back on track.

the intense phone call with tim was laced with "andrew, i love you". i stupidly, yet very hesistantly lied back saying i loved him too. dean is right. i shouldn't lie. i should have replied with "i know, and you know i'll be here for you..." or something like that. after making the friends i have now, i wonder if i ever loved tim. the love i felt for tim doesn't compare to the love i feel for my friends now.

i'm lost again. its been a crappy end to the night. not because of the whole market fuck-up. its because of tim. he is sucking me back in. like a big whirlpool of ugly emotional badness. i told him outright, that i don't have the strength to fight his battles for him. the only thing i can do is encourage him to seek help, and even that is taxing enough. the stubborn mule that he is thinks he is beyond help, that the pain is too much. and then i wonder about a post daniel made not so long ago about when we visited watson's bay.