"your pants are too tight!"

so. i woke up feeling semi-okay this morning. on the way to the tram stop i called my mother to explain to her my fainting episode that happened yesterday. she lists a whole bunch of questions "enough red meat? blood sugar? sleep? are you sick?" and then she asked "are your pants too tight?!". a bit unexpected, but a valid question. i told her that my pants weren't too tight and weren't the reason for my fainting.

so at work today, after a slightly extended lunch i felt really crook. i went to lie down in the nurses station. i was burning up with a fever. i took a few panadols and tried to sleep it off. i slept for about an hour, then the nurses insisted i go down to accident and emergency. i thought i might as well considering it would be free after the medicare rebate. took my bloods, put me on a drip and took a few x-rays. i crashed there for a while. woke up 4 hours later and the doctor told me it was just a viral infection. great.

going to take the next two days off work. just sit at home and be bored.

:-)

okay so im tipsy/drunk now. feeling worse, physically and emotionally. tired of the shit i bring onto myself. wish it was all over. i wish i could fall asleep, never wake up and never have to deal with what i have to deal with.

pinot noir

so here i am in my room, a glass or red in one hand, the bottle in the other and the computer on my lap. i am down, so yet again i turn to my best friend alcohol to help drown the sorrows.

i'm sick. my nose is running, my throat is sore and im constantly getting hot flushes. i nearly fainted at work again. this whole fainting thing has been happening for the past 2 or 3 years. i spoke to a doctor about it once and he found nothing wrong. dean nagged me like a mother would - "are you going to get yourself checked out?". interesting how my own mother would never nag me like that. anyways, i did talk to the nurses about it. they said nothing was wrong. my blood sugar level was good, and my blood pressure was fine. so no biggie in my books. i'll wait for it to happen again...

it feels like my life is getting too complicated for me. i want to talk about it. but i can't. can't find the words to express it...yet again. it will all blow over, im sure.

heres to another glass of wine.

cute

as i waited at the tram stop at around midday, a lovely old lady sat down next to me and asked "are you going to the big day out?".

it took me by surprise. i almost wondered if she was going to tell me she was going. i then commented on how many trams were heading out north, but none were heading into the city. like me she was heading into the city, and i said to her that it was probably good because she would be unlikely to find a seat on a north-bound tram.

she replied with "oh people these days offer their seat to the elderly..."
im like "oh yeah... lucky!"

she then asked me if i went out on new years eve. i told her i didn't. she said she did and on the way home the trams were as packed as they were today. i thought it was cute that she enjoyed her new years and partied with the young'uns. her new years eve was probably more exciting than mine.

diana ross, mariah and janet

so very tired. i have a splitting headache from a lack of sleep and other things. ive had maybe 2-3 hours sleep last night. i did however get an hour nana-nap after after-AG-work-drinks at hairy canary last night. all up.... not enough, especially considering the amount of sleep i had gotten the previous night.

so. dean and i just hung out last night, talked crap, music and more crap.

as i fell asleep, imma messaged me. she told me her troubles and i felt guilty i didn't have the energy to call her. i quickly typed out a message and promised i'd call back in a couple of hours.

so here i am waiting for her to reply to my message to tell me shes awake so i can call her. i worry about her. all i want is for her to have fun.

back in melb

i'm back in melb. tired as hell. feel like shit. nothing feels right. nothing.

i don't belong.

lax

at lax in business lounge.

as i checked in at lax i walked past the philipine air check in counter. it was chaotic. like really chaotic. it seemed like the whole plane was taking a large chunk of LA back with them. there were crates, boxes, suitcases...madness. it was amusing though.

i walked up to the qantas counter. much more civilised, orderly queues, 2 bags per passenger. much more relaxed. in the line this cute kid caught my eye. he/she started smiling with big eyes at me. flapped his arms. so i smiled back and pulled funny faces at him. cute. he seemed amused.

i'm dying for a smoke. but i don't want to buy a carton of malboros cos they taste funny and they don't have the dunhills we normally smoke.

tim is picking me up from the airport tmrw. sweet boy he is.

yvr

im waiting in vancouver airport. the flight is at 2:20, its now 12:00. so much waiting. thank god for free internet.

im looking forward to getting home, but there is still that hint of hesitation. hard to explain. i think i just dont want to face reality.

imma messaged me early in the morning. i replied, and then my mind just started thinking. it got away from me. my thoughts were churning at a rate i couldn't control. i quickly turned my computer on and typed out an email as there was no way i could cram all that i was thinking into an sms. in the morning when i got to my uncles place, i quickly turned my computer on and sent imma the email. it was like a huge blog vomit. it felt good to get it out, but i know the feeling won't last.

im in the alaska airlines 'boardroom' lounge at yvr with my dad. my mum is somewhere else in the airport, in a different wing because shes flying a different airline and route. its weird. when im not around my parents i convince myself that i maintain a good relationship with them, but when i spend more than 2 days with them the cracks really begin to show. i am thankful to be on my way home to my friends who understand me better than my parents. i just hope my friends will be as glad to see me as i will to see them...

no-man's land.

drove back down to vancouver today. leaving for aust soon. looking forward to getting home, but not. mixed emotions. i just want to hop on that plane, never land and forever be in the middle of nowhere.

torture...

so my left butt cheek is hurting, so is my back, legs and feet. why do i torture myself?

i do realise the absurdity of me cramming my feet into hard plastic boots, fastening the plastic shoes to flat planks and then hooning down a mountain at ridiculous speeds, only to have to pay copious amounts of money to get back up and then do it all over again. i think skiing is a stupid sport. but...i do love it so.

its cold. im wet. therefore i am cold. but...i still put myself through this torture. i cant wait to get home, get in the shower and wait for the pain to melt away with the hot water.

i woke up this morning to a beautiful day. it was snowing heavily, sun was hidden by clouds. dad and i decided to take a bus to the slopes as we didn't trust brunhilde to get us there in one piece. i skied pretty hard for the first few runs, but soon tired myself out. the snow is heavy and my back is still sore from the first day on the slopes. after a beer over lunch, i decided i'd take it easy. dad was keen for me to ski by myself because he was having trouble keeping up. i was keen. we seperated and i headed for the bottom of the mountain to sneak in a quick smoko. let me just say, marlboro cigarettes here taste funny and dunhills look funny. after sucking it all in, i headed back up on the mountain to toture my poor butt and back some more. at around 1:40pm at the top of the mountain, the sun came out. it was still snowing. magnificent.

whistler is such an emotional town for me. so many memories. i remember the first time i met santa was here; i was 7 and santa was my aunty's boyfriend at the time (i found out the other day he passed away last year from colon cancer). i was showered with gifts from aunties, uncles and santa. of course, none from my parents.

being here, not having any friends or relatives except my parents leaves me feeling rather bored at home. there is no tv, so i only have my mind, my book and my ipod to entertain me. theres only so much of each i can take. i find myself day dreaming constantly of love and what not. it doesn't help that the town is full of hot boys from all over the world. i dream that i'll find love here, or i dream of finding it at home and then i wonder of what i'd do. its pretty much setting myself up for disappointment.

i long to be home, amongst familiar faces, laughs and conversation. i want to be hugged. kissed.

the whole coming out thing. i don't know anymore. parents don't talk about it. i'm not sure if thats just them being them, or if it will come back and bite my arse later on. oh well, will have to wait and see.

i called my sister last night. i used up pretty much all of the credit i had bought that day. i spoke to her for ages, discussing my feelings towards my life at the moment. everything feels a bit too hard at the moment.

she said to me that i'm doing okay, and that my move to melbourne has been the making of me. i try so hard to believe her.

brunhilde

okay so today was my first time on the slopes for a good 2 years now. felt a bit rusty but its just like riding a bike. snapped on my skis, stuck my poles in, pushed, and off i went. i was skiing with my cousin today, he was snowboarding, i was on my skis. we skied hard and fast. we did however call it quits early so he could drive back down to vancouver.

my legs are sore, they haven't gotten a workout like this since well... the last time i had sex? okay i lie. they've been worked harder since the last time i had sex. for lunch i had poutine and a chilli burger.

the weather today was beautiful. blue skies, the sun was out. the sun was softening the snow so it was just right. unfortunately it does mean that if tmrw isn't sunny and it doesn't snow tonight its going to be so icy tmrw. oh well. i'll deal with it.

drove to the village this evening so i could use the computer and blog this stupid blog. so rusty at driving in canada. i get into the car, 1978 volvo named brunhilde. i walk to the wrong side of the car to start off with. i figure it out, sit down and took a deep breath. i pull the choke (yuhuh, the car has a manual choke), floor the accelerator and crank the engine. yay it started. i feel the engine dying so i pull the choke out some more and floor the accelerator. my dad comes out and tells me what DOESN'T work and pretty much gave me a list of things and instructions that was longer than the bible. convinced i could get the car down to the village without any hiccups, i put the car into reverse and backed the car up. i pull up to the main traffic light and theres a hitch-hiker. i think about picking him up, but then i realise it would be mighty embarrassing picking up a hitch-hiker in a car that barely drives. so i decide not to, and at that point the engine dies. i pull the choke out again, floor the accelerator and crank teh engine. i notice the hitch-hiker has pulled his arm in and decided that hopping into my car was a bigger gamble than waiting out in the cold for another car. oh i should mention also that on the way to the village, a car turned left infront of me and i nearly ran into him, only because i was hesitant to slam on the brakes incase the engine stalled and i'd have more difficulty starting the engine again.

i've thoroughly enjoyed myself so far, but missing friends so much.

hmmz. other news: i came out. to my mother.

it was kinda disappointing, and somewhat frustrating. I was just talking about imma and dean and telling them how they were going and what we've been doing lately.

mum: is imma your girlfriend?
me: no
mum: is imma dean's girlfriend?
me: no
instead of asking the only other combination, she asks "are you gay?"
me: huh? what? does it matter? yeah...
mum: you know why i thought you were...
me: isn't it obvious?
mum: no do you know why? i found porn...

it was mum's way of saying "i told you so. i told you you were gay" and having the last laugh as she always has to.

she then told me to be careful because "anatomically its not meant to be..." i quickly agreed and tried to change topic. last thing i wanted was a sex talk from my mother...

i feel somewhat disappointed that it was all a bit too easy. oh well i guess i should be thankful.

another big day tmrw. going skiing with my parents. but i think i'll ditch them at midday. ski by myself. and then maybe, hopefully, a hot boy will ski into me and then will have to tend to my cut lip and hurt finger by taking me home and having hot sex with me. goddamn the boys here are hot. and i am horny.

dean, my mother is getting you that magazine. she says its for your birthday. i almost told her she was being cheap, but then i realised you are probably the first friend of mine shes bought a gift for.

bored

you can tell i'm bored by the kind of shit i post.

i found this funny.

home

feeling an odd sense of displacement. a few days ago i was reading through old blogs of mine and of friends and i remember sydney with such fond memories. park drive is no longer home and now i look back at what was home prior to moving to park drive.

bell st preston (the old PANCH)
i'd just moved to melbourne, knowing no one but my god-sisters and a few family friends who i were never close with. studying at RMIT bundoora, it seemed to make sense moving there. people constantly around, concierge to help me with things and so very close to uni. it was hell. i made no friends. my room was smaller than a shoebox and it was ages away from the friends i did make. my local safeway was the most dangerous safeway in the whole of victoria. most stabbings in the carpark than any other safeway in the state.

orrong rd armadale
beautiful apartment. wonderful flatmate. just wasn't ready. i didn't know what i wanted. i was confused with the boy i loved. i was confused whether i loved or not. lol. for the first time i felt like melbourne was home. the streets were leafy and green, supermarkets were packed with everything i could possibly want and i was around the corner from everything gay and retail. i had fun living there. i perhaps expected a bit too much, and was totally new to the whole share experience. there was a point where i just gave up. i was confused, stressed, and partnered. i was trying so hard to make that relationship work that everything else took second priority.

astorial court carlton
it became home. it was close to everything but uni (but it was closer to uni than armadale was). i don't have much to say about the place other than how great the location was. nothing in the apartment was mine. everything seemed to be at war with each other - colours, decor, me, tim. it really felt like home when tim broke up with me and i was left house sitting. then my life turned upside down when tim kicked me out with 2 days notice.

bouverie close carlton
it was only ever temporary. the day i moved in i knew i was going to be moving out. rent was too expensive for me to maintain. location was great given it was on the city border. there were dramas though. there was no carpark to my name, despite the landlord saying there was. thank god i managed to get a carpark for 5 of the 6 months i stayed there. i discovered a friend 6 floors above me. we used to hang out everyday. i miss him. dean also moved in with me for a period of time. we had some good times, and i say good because they were fun, but laced with much sadness. towards the end of the contract bouverie close, despite its shabbiness and the fact that we were sleeping on a blow-up mattress in the living room, felt like home.

harrow rd stanmore
now technically not a place i can call home, i've had some very homely memories there. the trip to sydney in july last year was the best of them all. such dreary weather outside only amplified the warmth of the old house. even when it was absolutely freezing inside, something still warmed you up from the inside out. looking back i remember fondly our makeshift plastic ashtray, the weed, the rain on the window above the shower and the homecooked breakfast. life was easy there.

park drv parkville
now most of you know how i feel about park drive. it was once home, but now i feel so uncomfortable. now i can't wait to move out, get myself a nice comfy bed and everything else i need and for once settle down for more than a few months.

gastown?? do you mean gaytown?

so. spent today shopping in vancouver. its wet, cold and so very windy. wearing my warmest jumper - my pink/purple roy hoodie, i decided to hit the town and buy up big. i stood out like a sore thumb as most people around here stick to black coats, grey hoodies and brown jackets. headed to robson st knowing that its my usual haunt when it comes to canadian shopping. today i was very disappointed. everything was black, or a variation of it. all a bit boring. after much walking and frustration i decided to ask a few sales assistants and they soon pointed me in the direction of gastown. fuk me dead it was cold. gastown is by the water, so its even windier and colder. there i am in my pink jumper and fricken low-v tshirt underneath (what on earth was i thinking?) freezing my nipples off.

i found the cutest t-shirts, great jeans and other stuff. i almost want to go back tomorrow wearing more clothes so i wouldn't be running between stores with dangerously erect nipples (my mother always told me not to run with sharp objects). there were some hot coats but i'm not sure if they are really my thing. if i have time on the way home i'll drop by and pick up a coat. oh and i found this really really hot cardigan. when i saw it i was drawn to it. i picked it up and the pricetag didn't deter me. it was almost meant to be...until i asked the guy where it was from. he goes - "its an australian brand...from australia". the thought of me buying an extraordinarily expensive item of clothing which has probably travelled further than i have (considering no one makes knits in australia) is absolutely crazy in my books. but i thought long and hard about it, and it didn't seem so crazy when i looked in the mirror. oh well with imma's advice ringing strong in my head, its probably best i didn't buy it. i've found a stockist in melbourne... i shall check it out as soon as i get home.

i've already spent more than i can afford. oh and i havent even bought the essentials i've been looking for like a beanie and neck gator.

question of the day: are you from england?

must be my non-convict-south-australian upbringing.

missing you guys terribly.

cry me a river

i'm in vancouver now. lying in my uncle's guest bedroom which was once my cousin's room. the bed is slightly cold and scratchy from layers of hemp like blankets.

the flight over was interesting. i believe i cried 3 times. i get so emotional. i watched little miss sunshine. all was good. nothing too emotional about that movie. brokeback mountain on the other hand, my fragile emotional state meant i was balling by the end of the movie and i think i'll start crying everytime i hear that song.

the next movie i chose was time to leave i think. something foreign. its about a young man whos faced with terminal cancer. i slept through half of it, but it was sad enough for me to cry. hot boy.

open season. enough said. anyone who knows me well knows that animations play with my heart. typical rollercoaster type of storyline. happy beginning, sad goodbyes, tough times, strength finding, realisation, happy ending. i cried.

so very tired. craving friends like well... as much as i am craving a cigarette.

i feel so alone.

Going...going...gone...

At the qantas club lounge in melbourne airport. rushed through customs, i must have looked a bit suspicious (or maybe its because i'm asian - racist), security lady pulled me aside and did one of those explosive tests. yeah right, i wouldn't know what to do with a bomb...

anyways, tried making small talk with security lady. didn't work. walked through, tried strutting but my legs hurt too much from last night. and yes dean, i know its all in the arms...

had a look at the departure board. would post the pic i took, but i can't maybe later. the board said:

QF73 Vancouver - RELAX

Too funny. just what i needed to see. i've been going out of my mind. i'm stressing out about leaving my friends behind. this will be the longest period of time i'll be away from imma. And then i worry about dean. hes a big boy.

i'm going to eat.

love you all

bye bye

so i leave today. i had a moment earlier where i cried on the phone. imma was saying she wanted to give me hugs and cuddles before i leave.

i've never been away from imma for this long. ever since the day we stuck crystals on her face we've seen each other pretty much every other day. then she introduced peta into my life. and well... lets not go there (i do miss her so).

i've never felt so uneasy about leaving before. maybe the plane will crash or something haha. leaving my friends behind is something i am having difficulting coping with. the thought of not being able to pick up the phone and invite someone out for coffee scares me. i've become so dependant on my friendship network its not funny. this time away will do me good.

i realised last night i need a will. what happens if i do die overseas?

yoyos go up...and then come down. this little yoyo is coming down - fast.

erin scissorhands...

dean and i had freddy over for dinner last night. its always a pleasure to have a night with freddy. so easy going and relaxed, you can't help but feel at ease when he is around...until...erin.

so uncomfortable she made us feel that after dropping freddy off we decided to take a drive just to avoid going home - we ended up in woodend. her constant complaints, snippy remarks - "oh i see you've beaten me to the kitchen again." are driving me up the wall. not once have i complained about her loud music, her exuberant use of toilet paper or her constant ill-temper. okay maybe i have complained, but never to her. i put up with it because this house is as much hers as it is mine. actually, truth be told, its her house more than mine because i'm not on the lease, but still, i contribute more to this household than she does.

i try to be nice, and everytime it gets thrown back in my face.

me: oh erin, theres chocolate cake in the fridge if you or edward want some.
erin: you know how i feel about sweet things.

me: oh erin, edward, if you guys want to play xbox, feel free to play with mine
edward: sure, thanks.
erin: i was actually trying to discourage him from playing.

at least her brother is polite.

i can't wait to get out of here. good luck to her, i hope her next housemates are able to tolerate her.

take another step towards my manhood

alcohol is everyone's best friend.

my 5th night of birthday celebrations. i organised dinner at home for pauline, pauline's mum, dean, imma and myself. prawns, dips, and mussels. pauline's mum brought a beautiful cake. such an experience. laughs all around. video soon to be posted: me blowing out the candles. the frickin' candle wouldn't blow out. hilarious. i opened my present. ipod video. love it. now i can take porn to canada and watch it on the plane.

birthday drinks at canary club was amazing. it started off a bit quiet. i was so nervous about the night. i was really scared that no one would get along. we started off with a bottle of moet and chandon and it seemed to relax everyone. at that point i realised i had nothing to stress about.

the night worked out really nicely. everyone was talking and just getting along with each other. our fears of dean, imma and myself supporting the party and having to run between groups to keep the life of the party going were unwarranted.

i had a moment. dean had said to me before the party: i want you to look around, and realise that everyone is there for you, because they love you. as i walked up to Joel for a birthday shot, everyone started singing. it was fucking amazing. i almost cried. i looked around and saw everyone. later on in the night, tim sent me a message which only reinforced that feeling of love.

i ran into some old work colleagues. they were out to celebrate christina's farewell. i quickly invited them upstairs - "theres a bunch of fags and a tab, come upstairs and have a drink". I got them started on long island iced teas.

i can't remember much of canary club. but i do know i had a good time. i remember chatting with people, just can't remember what i said. i was most probably talking shit.

next stop after canary club was onesix. most people had left for home or heaven's door/gate/whatever. i was keen to party on. we took a taxi to onesix. we ended up waiting outside the pet store for taylan. i call my sister in toronto. lets not think about my phone bill... she seems to be holding up well. i told her dean and i might meet them at mardi gras if they are in sydney. i was so very drunk at the time. "oh my, i am so fucked karen. the nights been great, went for drinks, now we are heading out, i'm drunk". taylan bailed on us, and my next fear was that we were going to get knocked back from one six. we've never been knocked back, and i didn't want the first time to be on my birthday night.

we get in, did the usual, hid in a corner for 15 minutes just sussing out the crowd, then straight to the dance floor. we were dancing, then someone felt me up - i thought to myself: not another drug fucked asian girl. i turn around and its freddy, simon, emily and dee - asians, just not drug fucked - love them. i honestly can't remember much from then onwards. i remember freddy coming up to me and apologising for having to leave. he is such a sweetie.

we sat down in a corner, and a girl asked us for a cigarette. i think imma obliged. she introduced herself to us, and then introduced us to her husband's best friend. the three of us always seem to meet really interesting people at one six. no one seems too shy to talk to us. we just sat and talked for most of the night. it got to about 5 or 6 o'clock i think and luke and rachel had to leave. imma got an unexpected invite, and we urged her to go have fun.

that left dean and i. we decided to head to market as we weren't trashed enough to head to revolver, and not ready for circus. the crowd was the usual crowd. I didn't really care for the crowd. i was just out to have a good time. i bought us a bottle of water and we did our thing. bought a glass of champagne and then mariah came on. we downed the champagne and ran for the dancefloor. the three songs i remember are: say something, be without you and aint no other man. the three songs which bring back memories of good nights out at the market. at one point dean left me on the dance floor by myself. he told me to hang on. fucked as i was, i didn't really know what was going on. he comes back, dances a little bit and then grabs me. he spins me around to face the wall. The lasers spelt out "happy birthday andrew. d.s.". special.

when we got tired of the crowd and the music we decided to head to hairy canary. i thought it would have been a lovely way to finish the night. we rock up there at 9:00AM and start on a glass of wine. dean ended up falling asleep on my shoulder and knocking the ashtray onto the floor. we are so classy. it was time to call it a night. we cabbed it back, dean headed to bed, i headed for the shower. i changed into my peter alexanders and crawled into bed.

i slept like a baby, woke up at 4:00 and stumbled downstairs. as i open my bedroom door, imma opens it from the other side. she smiled at me, and smiled back. her mouth opened and you could feel the excitement. i drag her upstairs so she could tell us all about her eventful night.

the three of us decided to get some breakfast at nudel box. we drove out to hawthorn, via toorak, damn scenic route. i was trying so hard to concentrate on driving i just forgot where we were going. we eventually made it there. i had two bites of my noodles and i was full. struggled through the rest of it. headed home.

the three of us stumbled upstairs. we chatted for a while and then one by one, we all passed out.

monday morning i woke to "fuck i missed my hair appointment!". in my sleepy state i think i mumbled (or at least thought) - "just reschedule it for later today". imma replies "you dont understand, the appointment was for yesterday..."

massive weekend. i've partied harder before, but this weekend was something different, something special.

to all my friends: i love you.

to the left, to the left

so i ended up going out last night. wasn't intending on doing so, but freddy and simon were out and i hadn't seen them in ages. dean and i made our way to double happiness. we discussed his birthday party ideas, such as invites and themes. i decided to plan my funeral - i had nothing else to plan. who wants to be my choreographer at my funeral??

the laotian beer was burning my throat. never again. we left for st jerome's and on the way realised how much i loved freddy and simon's friends. both of the girls were so down to earth, quick and witty. stunning too.

must get ready for dinner tonight. cooking prawns and mussels. forgot bread. fuck. oh well. i'll pretend i never intended to buy bread.

birthday boy

so my birthday. cruisy day at work, glad its over though. raced home, tired as, hiked through the heat. got home and fell into bed. i had a quick nap, then realised that imma and dean would be on their way home. i quickly changed.

such sweeties, organised a little night out for me. movie and dinner at crown. even though i knew we were seeing a movie and having dinner, details were left out so there would be an element of surprise. yay - my own surprise party, and i didn't even organise it myself. in my head i practiced acting surprised for when dean and imma handed me a gold class ticket, but my acting talent (or lack of) was wasted as gold class was sold out. and then i wondered why we kept on gravitating towards 'the pub' at crown, despite my wishes to eat at KFC. it clicked when daniel rang and told me he was waiting at the table at the pub.

the movie - traumatising. but i think it was the only movie everyone hadn't seen. dinner was really simple. i have never seen so much mash in my life.

it was such a lovely surprise. never has so much effort gone into making my birthday such a special day.

thank you guys. love you'se.

birthday eve

i finished work for the day, raced home, got changed into jeans and my precious precious new t-shirt christmas gift and raced to daniel, jeremy and scotty's place. daniel and jeremy hand me a birthday gift. was so very shocked, and pleasantly surprised when i opened it. love you'se dearly darlings.

had dinner and desert at lucky coq and then walked up chapel st for coffee at kazbar. was a lovely night to have a couple of beers, pizza and coffee. not too cold, or warm - just right.

when i get home, i race upstairs to show dean my new presents only to find him passed out on his new bed. cute. i tidy up and head back downstairs. after settling in downstairs, dean's awake and we end up watching episodes of absolutely fabulous and will and grace.

time flew and it was 12:30AM...its my birthday.

dean asked me what i wanted to accomplish before i turn 23... i couldn't think of anything. i feel somewhat sad now. what happened to my ambition to be ambitious?

good night peeps, i'm 22...

the lion, the witch and the new wardrobe

really enjoyed today. i relaxed. i wasn't bothered with anything. took imma and dean to work, hung around there for a bit, so very grateful to be able to spend some time with imma. its been less than a week since i last saw her, but it feels like a whole month. when the shop became to hot to handle, i decided to leave, ran home, locked myself in dean's room and turned on the air conditioner. watched memoirs of a geisha, and half of monster-in-law. felt good to just do nothing for the day.

i fell asleep half way through the second movie. woke up to find 20 missed calls on my phone. i call dean to find out what was going on. find out imma had left work. i ran downstairs to see if she was waiting by the front door, but instead find she had already left for home :(. she needs her rest. i really miss her.

decided to meet up with jeremy and daniel for coffee/breakfast/desert. met them at their place, felt faint due to my incredibly low blood sugar. i was driving like i was drunk, i couldn't form coherent sentences and was forever staring into blank space.

coffee at ice, combined with the music, made me feel so very jittery. the steak sandwich made me feel so much better, but did nothing to alleviate the jitteriness.

we then went to mamacas for some donut-thing-i-forget-what-its-called.

really appreciated the time spent with daniel and jeremy. their company is always refreshing and i always walk away feeling ten times better than i did before. daniel is someone so dear to me. he has always been there through my tough times, yet always cut me loose when my dependence on him was too much or when my depression became and obsession. i've learnt a lot from him.

tim, invited me out for dinner. at first i was hesitant, but then realised i shouldn't be scared of him. i invited dean along, almost without telling either of them that the other party would be there. i couldn't be so mean. dean decided to come along, and tim confessed that he actually liked dean contrary to what he has said before. i have to thank dean for coming out with us. his company over dinner was neccessary as tim and i have few things to talk about and our conversations die quicker than a fish out of water . bless dean's heart for his ability to break even the thickest of ice with his warm laugh and quick humour. i can't help but think tim might have felt a bit out of place for we have grown apart over this year, but i can definitely see he is happier.

i just opened up my christmas presents from dean. funny getting my christmas presents closer to my birthday than christmas. i love them. muchly appreciated, you always know what to get... *kiss* you know i have to go all out for your birthday present now.

calmness

for the first time in a week i am feeling particularly calm. so calm in fact, that i can't sleep. oh dear god i start work in 4 hours.

its a cool summer night and its too hot in my room, thank god i'm not upstairs. if only i could sleep outside in the backyard. i really would if there weren't bugs, rats and possums. i'd get eaten alive out there...

the past month or two has been somewhat uneventful for me, but so very dramatic for those around me. and as usual, their problems and dramas rub off on me. not that my friends force the drama onto me, but i just seem to take it on, their dramas become my dramas. when there is a fight, i feel uneasy; a breakup, i feel disappointed. its not that i sympathise with them, its just my own reaction and feeling to their own emotions. but for some reason, tonight i feel different. i only feel calmness...

maybe its because all the drama has come to an end for now.

we'll see.

boredom

my god the heat. for me, it felt 10 times hotter than it really was. after such a big weekend my body has lost all temperature control. i find myself having hot flushes even in the most air conditioned rooms. bit frustrating, but oh well, it will pass.

work was intense. the morning was quiet, i just tidied up a few plans, finished a breast plan thats not due for ages, did a few CT scans. one of our doctors came in at around 3 o'clock and approved a whole bunch of prostate plans which are due tomorrow. that left me with 3 hours of rushed writing, sticking, printing and clicking in order to get everything ready for the patients to start treatment tomorrow afternoon. left work at around 6:15 and slowly made my way home.

got home, no one was home. lonely. but thats okay. i'm doing some laundry at the moment, and once thats done, i'll head out to the opium den (the star hotel - will i ever learn?).

summadayze part 2

so first day back at work after the new year break. i'm back into the swing of things, performing 3 CT scans, planning 3 prostates and 1 brain. most productive day i've had in a while.

this morning when i woke up i was still buzzing from yesterday. i thought mardi gras was amazing, but summadayze had a different kind of atmosphere. there was even a pregnant lady. she even looked a bit drug-fucked. everyone was just there for a good time.

what a way to welcome the new year...

i feel at peace now. yesterday, imma said to me - this is the time to put all the shit of 2006 behind us, and i did. simple as that.

summadayze

it was great. scattered now. in pain - legs, tummy, arse. tired. angry. content. ecstatic

i'm fucked.

good night.