sigh

Everyone promises me that with time, the hurt will go away but it hasn't. If anything, I'm hurting more now than I was before. But I guess I have only myself to blame for that. I emotionally and psychologically opened myself up to the possibility that perhaps we could make things work but that all did was to reinforce that you are and always will be a self absorbed, shallow, attention seeking cunt. If you could only step out of that self absorbed world of yours for just a while, you might per chance realise how much I sacrificied for you, how much of myself I gave to you, how hard I tried to make us work, how much I truly loved you. Maybe it wouldn't matter anyway because I can see now that it was never meant to be. A chapter closed and all that jazz. I deserve to be happy. Maybe someday I will be. Maybe someday I'll see that I am a better person for having gone through the hell you've put me through. Maybe someday I'll stop regretting even knowing you, much less allowing myself to fall in love with you. Maybe someday I'll find it in me to forgive you. But till then, fuck you very much.

My ex wrote that blog. Funny thing is, I could post that blog entry myself and it would mean the exactly how I feel/felt/whatever. I'm scattered. I shouldn't be posting anything.

I'm down. I need company. But I don't. My back hurts, I'm tired, I'm grumpy, I'm everything I don't want to be at the moment. I need a hug. I called my dad this evening and started talking about work. When will I learn that I shouldn't mention work to my parents? I have to play it down. Tell them what I do is easy, that I don't stress over it, that I do nothing. If I tell them work is tough, or that I'm held up by doctors or that I come home tired, they say "well if you were a doctor you wouldn't have to do all the hard work, and you get paid more too". Fuck. I hate this. I'm close to crying.

Today was tough. It didn't help that I was so scattered. I let a whole bunch of little, obvious things go unnoticed which meant that when they did get noticed (and thank god they did) I had to fix them. Which really isn't so bad, considering I have only been in planning for essentially a week and a bit, and I wasn't the only person at fault. It was a collective effort really. Then I had to go back to work on the treatment machines for an hour to cover lunches because we were so understaffed. I took a short morning tea break, short lunch, no afternoon tea and worked overtime. No wonder I'm tired. Its been go go go since 8am.