fuck this.

I'm going to swear. I love swearing. It used to turn me off, but now, it comes naturally. Fuck. Fuck sums up whats going on around me. Just when I thought life around me couldn't get any more turbulent, somehow it just does.

And my fucking computer is fucked. Its fucking slow. Maybe its because I haven't fucking turned it off in fucking 7 days. Its starting to fuck me off.

So. My friend, my rock, was confronted with terrible news today. When I found out I dropped everything. The news scared me. Then I felt lost. I'm meant to be a rock. What was I supposed to do? to say? I should fucking know what to do and say. I work in a profession that requires me to give psychosocial support, yet when it comes to friends I have no idea what to do. There are times when I feel so useless and I just hope I'm doing the right thing by my friends.

I called my mother today. To check up on her and make sure things were okay. The news today made me realise my parents aren't invincible. There will be a time when I have to be there for them, just as they were there for their parents. It ain't easy parenting parents. Especially mine; they are perhaps the most stubborn people around when it comes to their own health. How am I supposed to tell my mother "go touch your breasts" or my father "go get a doctor to stick a finger up your arse"? I worry about my father more. He is the more stubborn one. Its where I get it from. My sister and I have been bugging him to get checked up, but you know he doesn't bother. I've told him to at least get his PSA checked. He tells me its not very accurate. I say okay, then get a digital rectal exam. He doesn't reply and then changes the subject. How asian. Avoid confrontation.

Things will be okay. Everything will settle, and then spring will come and my mood will lift.

PS. I think 6 months ago I posted an entry how I shouldn't rely so much on everyone else to make me happy or to help me through tough times. Now, I think, fuck that, two people are stronger than one. Thats what friends are for...